A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I fulfilled a fantasy that I knew my boyfriend was desirous of. During it, there was an interruption whereby we thought someone was approaching. He drew himself nearer and said, "Don't move". As we stood still a moment in silence and close proximity, I gently kissed his temple. He subsequently said, "Did you have to kiss me?". He was annoyed to a certain extent. It sent a cascade of defensive emotions thereafter, however we continued the fantasy to completion. In the need to be prudent, we hurriedly got dressed; he moving quicker than I. He then commented with a tone suggesting repetitiousness, "You can clean up and finish the rest later". Because things progressed from my perspective insensitively, I know I became on the defensive. I replied, "You sound as if you say that sort of thing all of the time". Initially he didn't even return a comment, but then he said, "Im going to chose not to respond to that". It seemed he didn't hold a grudge and I apologized. However later that night, he didn't want to talk to me. The next day, he said he wanted to re-examine our relationship. The second day he told me I was vindictive and caustic and spoke like a 'whore'. It was the most insulting and terribly hurtful thing I've probably ever heard him say. The third day after the event, he still doesn't wish to speak, but texted that he feels repulsed and turned off and doesn't desire to be intimate with me anymore. I never expected that he would become so angry off of such a defensive, silly comment. I've told him it was said out of defensiveness. He won't forgive me. How can I restore things? I don't know how to repair the damage done?
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female
reader, real life answers  +, writes (4 June 2010):
may i ask what this fantasy was ??
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (1 June 2010):
 It sounds like he felt 'off' after having the fantasy fulfilled -- dirty, embarrassed, ashamed. It may be that he simply wasn't mature enough to handle it and is taking it out on you. If that's the case, about all you can do (if you really care to carry on after his awful behaviour) is let him know that you're OK with the act and that you don't think any less of him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): If you ask me, I don't think you need to apologise at all! I don't think you are at fault here in any way. I am not sure why your boyfriend reacted in the way he did, and why he got so upset over the comment you made. It sounds like he was being unpleasant before that, so it is understandable that you would feel defensive.
I have no idea why he is behaving this way. Maybe if I knew more about the relationship, I might understand more, but going by your question alone, I feel concerned for you. Has he ever behaved like this before? Or was it a one-off thing? If it was a one-off, then maybe he is particularly sensitive about something to do with the sexual fantasy you played out.
But if he tends to be like this in general, I am quite concerned, because it sounds like he has a habit of trying to put you "in the wrong", when you are not in the wrong. He is causing you to feel bad, for no good reason that I can see. And either way, you have apologised anyway, yet he refuses to talk to you and instead responds with more cruel words. And look at the effect it is having on you. Look how bad he is causing you to feel.
I don't think there is more you can do to try and repair whatever has gone wrong since that sexual fantasy, as he doesn't seem to want to meet you halfway on this. But like I said, I really don't think you have done anything wrong here. I know you was not asking about this, but I would just like to say that I worry this man may have a negative effect on your self-esteem. Please be careful while he is behaving in this way, and don't blame yourself. Don't allow him to make you feel bad, and like you are doing something wrong, or are a bad person. You are not. He is the one in the wrong here, and he is acting in a very inappropriate way. Please do take care of yourself. Good luck. x
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