A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello can anyone offer some advice to meMy boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months and he has this girl friend that he has known about a year. When we first got together he would always be out with her and she was constantly calling him at all hours and texting him. He helped her through a tough situation apparantly and felt sorry for her and would sometimes stay at hers as she was lonely! (before I got with him) He even stayed once when we were first together! Anyway she has now gone abroad for a while but carries on emailing him and saying she wishes he were there and misses him. He emails back, not saying he misses her but chit chat. Anyway this is now getting in the way of our relationship, I feel like she should step back a little and let him have a relationship. It is making us argue as I feel there are 3 of us in the relationship. I have told him how I feel but he gets defensive and says he won't tell her to back off a little as he doesn't want to upset her, yet it is upsetting me and our relationship. He doesn't see from my point of view why it is getting to me a little and just gets angry with me and I feel he is laying his loyalty with her. Any advice?
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female
reader, jenny_jenny_j  +, writes (26 April 2012):
 I agree with Jesslirai... I found his staying over at her place a little shady. I don't want to influence you into thinking he must be doing something on your back. But to me, if i were in your position, I'd find it quite unacceptable for my BF to go over to some girl friend's place to "sleep over", no matter how close they are, there should be a boundary when either one of the close friends actually is in a relationship. If I were that girl, I think I would let my guy friend and his gf have the relationship (just like you said), not trying to get in between 2 people, this is what I think the best for my close male friend -- to be spending quality time with someone he loves. No matter they are cheating or not, this act of hers and his is quite selfish. I'm not saying ur BF should not meet with her. But if you find it uncomfortable, you should speak up, and let your BF know that you are having mixed feelings about he and his friend. You need to understand that it's not about jealousy, OP, communicate with him and make him know how you feel. If he cares about your feelings and all they have is a pure friendship, trust me, he will do something for you, like avoiding to spend time w/ her alone, email... etc. But if he continues doing this behind your back after you've raised out this issue, then there's a warning sign. How can he just care about his girl friend's feelings instead of yours?! IT IS YOU WHO HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH!!Unless his answer is, "yes I care about her feelings more than yours because I've known her before we've even met", then you should be worried about it, chances are this girl's position is wayyyy higher than urs, ask yourself if you want such a relationship. Even if he's not doing anything behind your back, your values and standards are clearly not the same as his. I'd say go for another guy who will actually listen and respect you !!
A
female
reader, Jesslirai +, writes (26 April 2012):
 Hmmm this is indeed a very sticky situation. I as a woman have guy friends as well as being in a relationship and i can maintain and be friends with these guys without crossing the line. What appears to be odd to me is that he has spent the night because she was "lonely" I find that weird. If he doesnt want to listen and work with you on the things that truly bother you then maybe counseling and if he doesnt want to go to counseling maybe its time to break it off. If you guys cant communicate and cant come to some sort of agreement there are going to be future matters that might come up that you might not be able to solve - per lack of communication. Communication and understanding are the keys to making a relationship work and if you dont have that then the future for you guys is foggy. I do want to be positive about this though, at least it is just e-mails being exchanged for the time being. Just think that it could be worse than it is with late night phone calls or texts. You guys are still early in your relationship, and it is going to be a battle for you guys as a couple to find each others boundaries, just as any other couple that cant agree on everything. So if you feel like this is a relationship you want to carry on with, you guys need to come to some sort of agreement about this whether he gives in completely and stops talking to her, or you both come to some sort of agreement where you guys can meet in the middle. Best of luck, I hope everything works out for you!
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