A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in recovery from drugs (including alcohol but mostly crack) and while some of my wreckage is fixable (legal stuff, financial stuff), I don't know how to fix some of the truly unforgettable things I've done. (1) My youngest sister M.J. and her husband had a baby back in "14. Baby A was born by emergency C-section at 22 (normal is 40) weeks along b/c the doctors couldn't see through the placenta and feared A wasn't getting enough oxygen or food. Of course A was in an incubator three hours away. She had a condition where her heart wasn't pulling the fluid out of her lungs so she lived in the incubator all nine months of her life. As a decent person, I would have taken a bus down to Tennessee once a month, I would have bought M.J and M Senior gift cards for food and I would have cleaned their house and dog sat (they had to place their jack Russell up for adoption because they lived in the hospital). During this time, M.J. still taught and M Senior still ran a hardware store. I only visited twice and brought our Dad, who has early Alzheimer's, down with me. He loved baby A and she made eye contact and reached for his beard a few times so I think she liked him. Well, baby A died and I was so deep in my addiction that at the time, my son A was in foster care so he never met her. I was so deep in my addiction that once when visiting, I took one of my dad's checks (more on that later). I was so deep in my addiction that I thought drinking was better than crack so I drank a fifth of vodka a day and missed A's wake b/c my oldest brother wouldn't let me go. I wasn't there when they shut off the incubator even though I didn't have a job at the time and could have stayed in a hotel with my middle brother. I went to A's funeral hung over and Shakey and barely talked to anyone. I don't know that MJ even got a hug from me. I can't make up for that. Any of it.(2) back to the stolen check. I copied my dad's writing, went to a bank out of town, where they didn't know he was no longer capable of writing checks, and I made out a check to me for $500. My dad is the sweetest person you'd ever met. He gave 10% of his income to church and an additional 10% to the poor. He used to work for the Housing Authority, was on the Health Board, was a deacon for the church and had always had sympathy for those suffering. His own dad was an alcoholic and he never had a bad word to say about him. I stole $500 from a man with alzheimers who did nothing to me just because I had no funding for an abortion. Something our whole family is against. Right around the time baby A was dying. I didn't explain myself or tell the family. I had an abortion because I knew I couldn't stop smoking crack or drinking and I didn't want a baby at all let alone one with disabilities. I didn't want to wait and place a child for adoption because then everyone would know I was pregnant. I was afraid a sibling would want to to temporary custody and charge me child support or give the child back once I got my life together. I was completely selfish because I didn't want to explain to this child later that I couldn't be a parent. Also, I didn't want to have my son A think I'd give him up to foster care and then try to keep his brother or sister. I can't make up for that.(3) I ended up losing custody of A and let him go to foster care because I didn't want him to move all the way to TN with half of my siblings and I didn't want my family in my life at the time. I thought I would get custody back in three months but the poor little guy languished in foster care for 18 months before they located his paternal grandfather. He was 11 when he went into the system and 13 when he moved in with Grandpa R. His foster family didn't abuse him or anything but the other children made fun of him for being Caucasian, for being into Godzilla and Dr Who, he couldn't play video games, he hated the traditional soul food his foster mom always made and he was miserable. I kept screwing up so bad they cancelled my visits. I can't make up for that.Now, I'm 20 months clean and sober. I've paid my dad back, paid my oldest sister back (she wouldn't take the money) and I'm doing well with probation. I finished a Recovery House, I have a job at a science museum, I go to 12-step meetings and church (not the Catholic one I was raised in but a Baptist one), I paid off all my legal fines, I have my son visiting and that's going well. I send my sister MJ's two healthy children M Junior and S.A. gifts for birthdays, Christmas, and I'll be sending them Easter gifts. I plan to come to Tennessee every three months to visit family when I can. Still, I don't know what else I can do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2020): People will recall your past. You have to expect some to have reservations about you, or judge you. In time, they will see how you've changed.
What you share with your pastor is to be kept between the two of you. He has no right to judge you. Pastors are people, they sin, and make mistakes. You don't have to confess every detail of your past to the pastor. His job is to lead you to deliverance and salvation. Jesus will take it from there.
Romans 3: 23-24
23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.
Read your Bible. Pray, and the Holy Spirit and your pastor will help you to understand what you read.
God bless you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for your extreme heart felt kindness, especially considering what I've done. Indeed, I was lost and now I am found. I got saved in prison a few years ago but I never lived like it. I read the Bible cover to cover there too but didn't understand it then. Definitely I want to be there for my son A and for M.J. and her family. She's more willing to give me a chance than her husband is. My other siblings (6 total) are giving me mixed responses. I like the church I'm at but sometimes it's all hellfire and brimstone and I'm afraid to tell the pastor all I've done. He's seen me in pants and some of my tattoos but he doesn't know all the Sims I listed here.Thank you for reassuring me that God is a quick forgetter, I'm so scared of the day I have to make an account even though I know I'll be part of the rapture I truly believe that, but sometimes doubts creep in and I wonder if I'm truly all the way forgiven.I guess all I can do is make living amends
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2020): Once you were lost now you are found.
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reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (8 March 2020):
 OP, congratulations for turning your life around. That couldn't have been easy but you did it. We all make mistakes in life. Its so easy to judge others but as I have gotten older I really do believe that expression "Walk a mile in my shoes". None of us have the right to judge anyone else. We are all sinners...stumbling..tripping..falling...
You have come such a long way OP. You have tried to make amends and make up for your mistakes. Sweetie...that's all you can do. You have tried to and succeeded in turning your life around. Your family hopefully will forgive you and come around. Sometimes hurts cut really deep, and I'll be honest I know of family members that had problems and never spoke to each other again. It happens. I want you to remember though that you have reached out and accepted what you did. I am not sure that the ball is really in your court anymore. I think its up to your family members.
I would suggest IF you are good at putting your feelings and thoughts on paper, maybe you could write a heart felt letter? Even if they don't accept it...you know you wrote what you feel.
My sister has done some really despicable things to me in the past few years. It comes from her being on too many meds, bad judgment, and poor advise from a boyfriend that is not a good guy. I have been immensely hurt by her, but I still love her. I damn sure don't like some things she's done but I love her and I know that many of the things she did she wasn't truly herself. Many of her actions still hurt me, but I forgave her. I don't want to be angry at her and I don't want to hold grudges. She's the only sister I have. I hope your family will give you another chance.
Keep up the good work sweetie. Please read over WiseOwl's advise again. He gives excellent advice and it comes from the heart. I wish you well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): God bless you, sweetheart! First, you can forgive yourself. You attend a 12-step program in a church, yet they teach you nothing about salvation, God's mercy, deliverance, or His grace? That's the problem with churches these days, they have nothing to do with God! They're too deep in worldly-politics and collecting offerings; meanwhile, they forget to feed their sheep!!! They are so busy teaching rules and sowing guilt! Fortunately, God will send the help you need!
You should attend normal services outside of the drug-counseling, for deliverance and prayer. To always give thanks, ask for forgiveness, and seek supplication. This is where you learn that God is the one who forgives. He helps us through all the mishaps and our past transgressions. You can behave yourself, and act like a good-person; but it is through His grace that you actually find yourself free of your past. He frees the spirit! A place where nobody can go but God.
You are a good woman. You have a conscience, a sense of remorse (rare in people these days); and you just confessed all you've done before us and God Himself. People are too proud these days to confess and admit they're wrong. Never once did you make an excuse. However, you must not condemn yourself for what you've done in your past. The Lord will forgive you, and everything you've done will be thrown into the sea of forgetfulness. God has a short memory of our sins, He only wants to see repentance; and He wants us to come to Him to seek deliverance. I admire people like you, who hit rock-bottom; but that's not where it ends. You fight your way back, you seek your redemption, you try to make up for the pain you've caused. Let God be your guide, and don't take all the burden on your own shoulders. He will carry you!
One great side-effect of placing all this in God's hands, is that He will also change the perspective of people around you; and how they see you. Look how your story has affected me and Youcannotbeserious! We can feel the sincerity and remorse in your writing; that's God pulling us towards you to give you the encouragement and comforting you deserve. We all make mistakes. Jesus sat with tax collectors, He walked among all the down-trodden, the poor, liars, thieves, and fornicators. He forgives each and everyone of them. He doesn't expect us to be good on our own, He plants His grace through His Spirit within us; and suddenly we realize we are loved, and we can suddenly love others and forget the past. The dark one wants you to feel heaviness within your spirit, he wants you to feel guilt, and shame. It will make you relapse or give-up. It will bring down depression on you; and kill the joy and light within you. I'm here to tell you, don't allow that. Have a one-on-one prayer session with your pastor, or a trusted deacon in your church. I will pray that the Lord directs you to a ministry that will give you the guidance necessary to find the deliverance and peace that only Jesus can provide. You get on your knees, bow your head, ask. He's always watching and listening. Do you think you've come this far without Him? He was always there, you just ignored Him. Otherwise, you would be dead. Not recovering! That's mercy and His love!
I will personally pray that your journey is smooth, your deliverance is swift, and that you will find peace and prosperity in spite of the past. It is gone, never to return, and I pray it shall never be repeated. I pray that you and your son will develop a very close and loving relationship; as with all those in your family. I know you weren't there for MJ; but she will forgive you, because divine love will fill her heart, and those of all your family-members. I'm not talking about religion, I'm talking about peace that surpasses all understanding. Only that which Jesus can give you. Bless your sweet dad. His loving prayers over you are what kept you alive. It's through grace Jesus placed in your dad, that transferred to you and all his children. Bad things still happen, they don't stop. God created good, bad, calamity, and evil. It is through His great works each is contained and works for our good. He created everything, and His ways are beyond human comprehension.
Pray like you never have before. It's not silly! Yes, it is unscientific; because it is divine and supernatural. Your spirit is begging you for relief; so seek it from a source of everlasting love and light. You are a good person, you are turning your life around. As for the abortion, that too will be forgiven. Remember how King David committed adultery with Bathsheba, the wife of one of his army commanders? He sent him to the front-lines of battle to have him killed. He was defensive of one of his sons who raped his own sister; because he loved him so much. David repented and turned to God to seek forgiveness...for murder and adultery!!! God forgave it all! The baby from adultery was stricken dead, but he had another child. That was Solomon! Yes, God chides and corrects us; He is God, and He has that right. Like a father, He teaches, tests, and prepares us for survival. He makes us better, and His grace makes it possible to survive anything. He gives it free of charge, with or without the asking. He sent a Son to die to save us from sin. It is He, Jesus, that you turn to find the the Divine Gift. He promised us through a covenant; when we see the world closing-in, when people turn their backs on us, when hope is lost, when we have done horrific things to others, and when we keep repeating terrible things we don't want to do. He gives us His beautiful grace, mercy, peace, and forgiveness.
When I said I would pray for you, I meant that. God bless your sweet and humble soul. May He bring you His glorious peace, dear lady!
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reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (7 March 2020):
 Oh sweetheart, I was reading your post and my heart was bleeding for you.
First of all, a big fat "well done" for managing to turn your life around. I can only imagine how much effort and strength it took to come from where you were to where you are now.
You cannot erase the past. All you can do is what you are doing now and try to make a better future for yourself and your son. He has to be your No 1 priority, closely followed by yourself and your family.
Have you talked to any of them and told them how sorry you are for your failings in the past? Paying them back money is all well and good but perhaps it would help you to actually tell them how badly you know you screwed up and how you are finding it difficult to forgive yourself.
Thinking of you and wishing you all the best. Always remember, you are a remarkably strong woman. Perhaps, when you feel stronger in yourself, you can volunteer to help other addicts? That way you can give meaning to what happened to you and use it for good going forward.
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reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 March 2020):
 Add: well done for coming this far. Stay with it :)
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reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 March 2020):
Be patient. Those are some deep betrayals, even if they stemmed from addiction. All you can do is stay sober and keep trying to make up for it, unless they tell you to stop.
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