A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 16 years has left the family home, me and my two young children. He says he does not feel loved enough by me then says he feels suffocated by me. I am very confused and don't know what to do to get him home. We all miss him very much but he gets angry when I try to talk to him about us saying its over and he has moved on and wants me to do the same. He has since told me he still loves me but when I brought this up he denies it. The children are very upset and confused and I want to make it better for them. Any advice Reply to this Question
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male
reader, justincarin +, writes (24 November 2009):
Just the opposite happened in my marriage. The wife just had to leave and "be able to live her teenage years she missed." If I could understand her reasoning, or anyone else's reasonings for splitting up after 15-20 years of marriage, I would be rich. My advice to you, continue to guide, support and protect your kids with honesty. Accept the fact that nothing you will do will bring him back and if he would by chance come back, from his perspective, the next time will be easier to just up and leave. Marriage is something that can succeed only if both parties are willing to work on its success. When one party decides not to try, no matter what the other half does, the marriage will fail. I hope you can find a good attorney who will help you get a just and reasonable settlement in the divorce, but again, remain determined and stick to your guns; he obviously wants out and is likely willing to concede to your demands just to get things over with. Worked for me, can work for you. Wishing you the best; take care.
A
female
reader, old-spinstah  +, writes (24 November 2009):
I'm only answering this question with insight from friends whose parents have divorced and have found it has affected their adult lives.
1) Be honest that you are splitting up. Don't lie to the kids about "Daddy has to work very hard". They will either know you are lying or will be furious when they find out and will lose trust in you
2) Tell them both you and your husband love them very much and it wasn't anything to do with them. You must both reinforce this. You must say to the kids "Daddy still loves you" and he should tell them that you love them too. Whatever you do don't say it was because of the kids (even if it was)
3) Don't deny your kids access unless you fear for their safety -let them have some say in the matter if they are old enough. Never use them as a bargaining tool.
4) Don't argue with the kids in the house if possible. Or send them out of the room and keep your voices level. They will earwig
5) Don't tell them you are going to try to get back together unless this is a mutual agreement between you and your husband.
6) Never ever bitch about your husband/ex in front of the kids. No calling him cheating bastard, useless idiot etc. Your kids share half their DNA with him. It can be really demoralising for children to constantly hear how awful one parent it - it makes them question whether they will be the same.
Good luck and take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I went through this a couple of years ago. We had been married 15 years and he left me with a young son. I was told that he didn't love me any more.
I made a number of mistakes here which did not help the situation at all. Firstly I begged and pleaded for him to come back, using the child as ammunition. This had the effect of making him disgusted with me as I appeared desperate, needy and clingy. I also would try to keep him on the phone when he clearly wanted to go, would text constantly and even hid his new house keys when he visited once so he couldn't go home. I had an injunction taken out against me. He viewed me as psychotic, bitter, pathetic and thoroughly useless in every way. I was given an excellent piece of advice by this site which was to carry on as normal and hold your head up high. Speak to him if necessary about the children but do not call him unless it is about them and remain polite and friendly but get off the phone as quickly as possible. Never ever talk about the relationship and how much you want him back. Make it look as if you are successful and confident without him. This is ofcourse vry difficult when you are incredibly upset but it will have the best result for you long term.
My husband was having an affair which created his abrupt desire to leave as he wanted to be with her. Very often if the man gets angry when he speaks to you it is because they are up to no good but want to deflect their guilt back on to you making it look like you are the one that created all this by not loving him enough in the first place etc etc. I don't know if this is the case for you and I hope it isn't.
I am now divorced and have got over all he put us through but it has taken a long time. I imagine your husband has a number of things going on that he hasn't been honest and open with you about but I don't think you will get much joy from him at the moment so the best you can do is be positive and carry on with your life as normally as possible for the sake of the children. Rountine does help in these awful situations. I wish you the very best,
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A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (24 November 2009):
 You need to take a step back and assess what it is YOU want now, this will bring home to him that you have to make plans too.
It sounds to me like you are a very emotional person who has doted on him for ever - and now he appears to be letting you down. Take the bull by the horns dear and react in the way you really do need to, to protect your respect, self worth and your children.
He sounds like he is having a bit of a mid-life crisis but you really need to ask him if there is anyone else involved here, his confusion is a common sign that there may be.
Once you have the information you can act on it - but you need to take charge of your situation. Dont wait for him to make his mind up, you need to react now.
By taking charge you are bringing some emotional stability to the relationship and your children will see your strength and be reassured by this. Father is having a little emotional instability at the moment.
Good luck - you need all the facts first!!!
Steve x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 he is playing away and trying to get you to take the blame for his adulterous behaviour. The best thing you can do is see a lawyer to find out if you are going to be okay financially.
And then you need to rebuild your life, if your kids see you getting on with it, and planning for the future, they will know everything is going to be okay.
Dont rush into a new relationship, make sure your kids are okay first, if you need to work find out what sort of retraining is available, you may need to cut back your costs dramatically, dont involve your kids in any of the adult type decision making you need to do, let them know you are in charge and that all will be okay.
when the husband realises he has made a dreadful mistake, laugh ah hahahaha! in his face.
Your success as a single mother, raising two well adjusted kids, will be the sweetest revenge.
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