A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:The other day my gf of 4 years (we have known each other well for 9 years) went to see an ex of hers for coffee at his place. She omitted to mention it at the time and it came up in conversation last night. This ex was someone she had and 'involvement' with just before we finally got together and it caused a problem at the time because she used to use me as a bit of a confidente and at the same we were getting very close. All that time ago she told me she didn't want his advances and asked me how she could avoiod having to go to dinner etc with him. Also that he had a gf. They got together after he told her that he and his gf had broken up. Then after a few weeks he got back together with his gf and I think my gfs 'involvement' with him ceased.My question is this. Am I unreasonable to not her to go to coffee - even if that is all it is - at his place and alone? 6 months ago when she informed me that she was going to be spending sometime in the day near to where he lives and tht she had 'bumped' in to him a couple of times I said that I would prefer it if she didn't go to his place.She accused me of being jealous and possessive and also told me that he had asked her about me and that she had told him that I am jealous and possessive.I have had some good reason to be jealous in this relationship due to her infidelities. She has slept withI admit that I have been jealous but not that it is irrational jealousy. I regard many of her exs as a threat to our relationship but not all and I do not have a problem with her having coffee or lunch or dinner or cinema theatre dates with male friends - which she also enjoys. I on the other hand see none of my exs and do not meet any female friends without her. I did bump in to a woman she knows at work the other day. This woman now is the mother of another ex of hers' children. My gf's reaction to our very brief meeting was to sarcastically ask if we had had coffee together. She also quizzed me about everything we talked about over 2 days.Background to this is that we are both in our 40s and I work full time. My gf does not work and so has a lot of time in the day to persue her creative side which is her choice. I feel angry with myself for feeling irrated by her meeting with this guy. She has refused a meeting between myself and her and this guy and his 'gf' (who may or may not exist). I offered for us to meet and have dinner or a drink but she does not want this. As a result I feel excluded, And her secrecy and omitions are becoming stressful. I would be grateful of your advice.
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reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (21 October 2009):
 Yes, it sure seems like she is wanting to control you.All this "can't tell her you love her" stuff is a justification on her part to make herself feel it's ok to carry on with these men.Frankly I am very sorry for your predicament. I think you would be better served by dumping her once and for all. This is not much of a relationship if she has belittled you to this point.She obviously does not love you. The only way you are going to be able to feel better about yourself is by leaving her to manipulate someone else.There must be total transparency in a relationship on the part of both parties, and I am afraid it does not exist in this case.I am sure you already knew this, but most likely have been browbeaten long enough that you needed an outside person to be able to confirm that you werent' crazy, but that she is indeed a manipulator.If you two live together, I suggest you ask her to leave. There is no reason that you should be leaving. She needs to feel a consequence for the act she has been pulling. So kick her to the curb this very day. Best of luck
A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (21 October 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGrimReality - Thank you for your response. I am so caught up in the whole thing that I needed an outside look at this. I appreciate very much you directness. You response has given me an idea of how other people think about lying etc. Your 3 strikes and out I have never tried but I have given her many many chances. She lies about small things sometimes and omits many things when she wants to.
I have been banned from asking her any questions about her day and I have also been banned from telling her that I love her. She says 'love' doesn't exist and doesn't like the word.
Because she continues to level the 'jealous & possessive' label at me I have seriously questioned myself and got to the point that I thought maybe she ius right - maybe I am crazed & jealous through & through - but she doesn't leave me yet continues to want to label me. In the past it has made me quiten down and become very submissive - never wanting to continue a discussion for fear of being accused again - with the result that I can never ask her anything.
The catch 22 of this is that she says that she can't ever tell me anything because of my reaction. There are many times when she has gone to the cinema or dinner or lunch & coffees with male friends who are not exs and I have never said anything. Also there are certain exs of hers who she will never coffee with. She doesn't like to 'burn bridges' as she says and also says that it is me that is 'abnormal' - that she had relationships or 'involvements' with these guys and so that means that there is a friendship now. I find that guys who make an effort - be they exs or just friends - to talk to me or accept me as a person and in a relationship with my gf are fine and we get on ok - because I can see that they are accepting my relationship with her. But guys that choose to ask her about our relationship and who don't want to even have a beer with me are a threat to my relatio0nship
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A
male
reader, Savai +, writes (21 October 2009):
Hi!
I'm sorry to have to deal with this. I know i'm only 22 years old and you might take me lightly but this is EXACTLY how me and my girlfriend split up last week. Difference is, it wasn't an ex but an old friend she went to school with. She also "bumped" into him one day and they got each others numbers. He calls her, I pick up the phone and I had no idea who it was. We got into an argument about it, she calls me jealous and all of that bs.
I was accused of not letting her see her friends or hanging out with them. She also didn't work but we had a baby together. I worked, so I needed her to take care of the baby. How can we spend that much time together and go out all the time when i'm working to pay the bills? But when we did have time, I tried to make it up to her and take her out and do things alone without the baby. It might not have been a lot of time, but whatever time I had, I tried.
So anyways, here comes the jealousy part. Instead of trusting her like I should have, I continued to keep accusing her of sleeping with someone or seeing her "friend." So we argued and bickered and finally, she had enough. A week later, I'm frustrated the whole week because i'm trying to hard to get her back but she denies me, so I send her nasty text messages and continue to let the jealousy eat at me and hurt her. She wanted time away to just think. I couldn't even let her do that. While she was gone, her friend who was just actually her friend, was there to comfort her. Now they are dating. I could have avoided it all if I didn't have those thoughts.
Now, when it comes to you, you said that she has cheated on you before? Well, then honestly, she might be seeing her ex. I'm sorry if that's brutal, trust me, I don't want to see another person go through the pain I did and still trying to overcome. But all I can say is, if she told you that she really loves you and you really love her, then all I can tell you to do is trust her. Because if it's just like that, them being friends, and she truly loves you, then you're fine. But if it is like that, and you show that your jealousy, it might make her angry and it'll just push her further away.
Trust me, thinking about it is very stressful and painful at times. Hell, I still think about my ex and if she's sleeping with her new boyfriend yet or not. I don't want to, but the thoughts come up all the time. It's hard to just let all those years go to waste.
But like I said, I don't personally know your situation. If she's cheated before, then who knows. I guess all you can do is try to find out the truth, and end it quick, or hope that it's going the way that you want it to be. I really don't know, i'm sorry that you have to deal with this because it's what broke up my 3 year relationship with my girlfriend.
It's only fair that we can think that way, we might not have to show it but we can always think about why they think it's ok to hang out with "friends" of the opposite sex when you're not around. Trust me, it's hard.
I'm sorry if I couldn't help you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one who has had to deal with something like this. Stay strong no matter what and good luck!
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (21 October 2009):
Yeah I have some advice for you.She is placing all this "You are jealous and posessive" stuff and telling him about it because she is full of crap. People in committed relationships do not spend time alone at Exes houses and then omit telling you and tyalk about their relationships with their exes. That is complete and utter hogwash.The other stuff...grilling you and accusing you nonstop about the person you ran into..Its called "projection". She is trying to justify this all in her mind. It is a typical behavior of a cheater.This is a no-brainer, Guy619...A NO-BRAINER.Just for a little more emphasis....I suggest you look at the rule I live by when it comes to liars. I picked this up in a book a long while back and I have practiced it as Gospel ever since I read it.Best of Luck.The Rule of Three LiesWhen considering a relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. One lie, one broken promise or a single neglected responsibiltiy may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the lynchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
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