A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm currently in a bad state of mind and not sure what to do about it. I've been single for the past 2 years, and been looking for the past 4 years. In that time I've only had one relationship, which lasted two months and ended because she left me for another man. Other than this, I've been rejected by every woman I've ever asked out: 100% of the time. I feel completely and utterly defeated. My sense of self worth is irreparably damaged, and every time I reach out I'm told "you should be more confident" or "you'll find someone eventually" or "you need to love yourself". I'm so sick and tired of the blind optimism.I have no validation in my life. I feel wortless, unattractive, and empty. The only reference I have to my attractiveness is my friend who, after seeing me once I'd finished a heavy course of skin medication to try and minimise facial scarring, looked at my face and told me "you look like a burn victim". The image has stuck ever since, I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. How can I love myself when I have no reason to? I constantly try to force myself to say that I'm worthwhile, but all it takes is for me to wonder why to fall back into my spiralling, pitiable sense of self worth. How can I find someone if I'm so unlovable and unattractive? I feel pathetic. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2021): Generally a lot of guys choose - or try to - a lover or partner based mostly or solely on looks. They assume women re the same, they are not. Generally women go for personality, earning potential (they will do if they are seeking a serious long term relationship where you will be expected to pay the rent and bills etc and would be useless to her if you cannot). If you are simply seeking sex and "fun" then instead of all this worrying and thinking pay a prostitute for it. She will be there to please you, to say what you want to hear, to be far easier. Just remember that it is all an act, she is not going to fall in love with you or want to date you, no matter how lovely that would be for you.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (14 November 2021):
I wouldn't take someone's harsh words too seriously. Your face was probably red from the treatment, and combined with your scaring they just got a stupid comment in their head. It certainly doesn't mean you look like a burn victim.
Now a good way to increase your self esteem is to eat healthy and work out. It does wonders! Plus it becomes fun at some point.
Also I really don't know what you look like, but I have seen some very unattractive men with decent looking women. But self loathing is pretty unattractive, and a turn off for most people. Your social skills also may need some work. That's usually more of a problem than the way you look.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2021): You are basing your attractiveness solely on your appearance. Plenty of 'ugly' guys get girlfriends. Women are not as shallow as you think. They also look for personality, humour, intellect, adventuousness, etc. It varies from woman to women. What one woman considers unattractive is very attractive to another. Focus on your friendships, your career, your hobbies... a relationship will come in time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): Acne is caused by a bad diet, often too much junk and fried food or foods your body is allergic or unhappy with. You need to find out what those foods are and stop eating them if you want your acne to go. Treating it by using lotions on your skin etc is not stopping it, just dealing with the symptoms, wallpapering over the cracks.But the one thing you need real help with from a professional is therapy. You need help to see that relationships are out there, that it will happen for you, but that you need to grow and flourish first before it will. You cannot take a damaged broken thing along and ask someone to love it. You must repair it first. The person you end up with wants to love you and be glad to be with you, not looking upon you as a boring charity case. Everyone has much that can be loved about them. But if you hide it or feel bad about yourself those good things never come to surface or get over shadowed by the bad bits. You are a lovely person even when single.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (12 November 2021):
You are still so young to be thinking like this. Stop feeling like you need a relationship to validate who you are. Focus on yourself and take part in things that give you happiness. Find passion in what you do and sooner or later, someone special will come into your life.
You have to learn to be confident in yourself, no one else can give that to you. You should enjoy your young years freely as possible because relationships take work and time to invest in. Best to do that when you fully know yourself and what you want from a relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): Women fall for men who come across as confident, self assured, charming, pleasant, kind and good company. Some of the men who come across this way ae not at all confident, but good at pretending. The last thing a woman wants is a very shy, insecure and quiet man, or worse, a man who seems to need someone to lean on, some sort of unpaid therapist or mother figure. Women also like men who can offer them something other than sex/fun. They get sick of men who are only after sex and fun and want more. If they are in it for the long haul and looking for serious the man has to have some substance and be at least equal to her. IF she has a good job and a good income she will expect her guy to be able to match her, not lean on her for money or to make decisions for him at every turn, as if he is an adult baby!
If you can come across as confident and offer the necessary you will end up with someone - not some reject or left over, but someone worth being with. It takes time. Nothing worth having comes easily. I did not find the man who is right for me until I was in my 50s, but plenty of other men - mostly gold diggers or sex starved bores, had tried it on before he came along. Remember that you are entitled to be fussy, if you feel that you must get someone soon you will latch onto just anyone, even someone you are not compatible with and who has nothing to offer you.
You don't need to be in a relationship to be loveable or likeable or normal. Some of the happiest and most sorted people are totally single and prefer it. Nobody needs to validate you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2021): I can't help wondering what your skin condition is and also how you treated it.
There are many difficult skin conditions as wise owl says.
Have you got scabies? It's an infestation of tiny invisible mites that would drive anyone to the limits of desperation. You need specialist treatment from the doctor.
There are lotions but also there is just one pill that can completely eradicate it.
Then you need to let your skin heal and maybe even moisturize it with oil.
Did you know that when leprosy was rife in the world the people who suffered were outcast from the villages because it was a contagious disease and they were forced to live some distance away from everyone else and while they were there the disease got worse until they were so disfigured and horribly deformed that they couldn't ever return to normal life.
It only turns out that there was a cream that could be rubbed onto the afflicted part of the body and that would totally eradicate the disease from them.
So much suffering and yet such a simple cure.
As for acne, nearly everyone knows the misery that comes with it.
First things first you get to a doctor.
You insist on getting proper treatment.
You tell them your confidence is going and you can't function properly.
Then you get treatment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2021): I'm afraid all we can offer you is what you've called "blind optimism." People can only encourage you, they can't reprogram your mind. DC is not in the business of brainwashing people. Self-hatred, body dysmorphia, and clinical-depression usually require professional-therapy and counseling. Nobody can "make" you feel good about who you are; when you base your happiness on being attractive and having a girlfriend. Without these things, you have convinced yourself you are ugly and unlovable; and there's nothing much anyone can say or do that will change that. Hundreds of people will read this wonder, what's the problem? It's not really uncommon. It's life!
I've been with DC a long time, and posts like yours shoot-down everyone's suggestions and advice; because no-one will have an answer you'll find evenly remotely helpful. That's because you're pessimistic and angry. Full of self-loathing, because you think you'll be on top of the world as soon as you find a girlfriend. You think that's the be-all and end-all to your every problem. You spit in the eye of God, and dismiss all the blessings you've received.
DC is here, because so many people have relationships; yet still have problems. That is because, the reality is, their relationships and marriages can't always make them 100% happy 24/7. They have boyfriends and girlfriends, and some are even married; yet they still don't feel loved. Love has to have a place to live before you send it out to be shared with others. It rests within us, giving us a sense of self-worth, and a healthy zest for life. Being ungrateful for the gift of life is what makes most people miserable. Wanting what others have, and/or being envious is another problem.
You didn't say you were deaf, blind, missing any limbs, mute, or physically-disabled. You didn't mention you have a debilitating birth-defect, have a degenerative or fatal disease, or have been diagnosed with a serious mental disorder. If you have none of the above, you are blessed. We will be forced to assume you are just a lonely-person; needing love and companionship. That's something everyone reading your post has felt; because it's a human need and desire. It just doesn't happen on-demand, or at the snap of your fingers. You seek friends and love your family until romance comes along. No one-person should be the center of your universe. If you can't make friends, finding lovers will be even harder. That means some self-improvement and an attitude-adjustment are warranted. I'm not going to pander to you, or pat you on the head like a puppy. I decline any invitation to a pity-party. Your writing indicates clearness and intelligence. I respect you.
We can't make you like what you see in the mirror with words, we cannot talk you into liking yourself; and there are no magic-words that will make some lovely female appear out of nowhere to throw herself at your feet, helplessly in-love with you. You still have to survive, until it happens. It will happen! Maybe not when you demand or insist it does!
You've indicated that you're somewhere between 18-21; so you've got a full-life ahead of you. Some 60-plus years! Oddly as it seems, good-looks won't guarantee you'll find love; and everybody has to wait until their turn comes. You're still wet behind the ears, and if you've entered your age properly; you're probably still a teenager. You've got a lot of time to look forward to! Your self-pity and pessimism may require mental-healthcare; but while you're here, let us give you a few words of kindness and encouragement. Beautiful people, lovely people, and very kind people still have trouble finding a mate. It takes time, and we are a victim of chance; and life requires beating the odds. It's true, only the strong and determined survive.
Not without challenges, failures, and setbacks! You'll win and lose. You don't give-up!
If you have access to healthcare, you should first seek a full medical-examination and physical; to see if you're suffering from depression, or any underlying-illness that hasn't been detected.
You should see a dermatologist about the scarring on your face. It seems you're probably self-treating adolescent or adult acne. Most acne-sufferers feel as you do; because people can be so mean and insensitive. Our face is the first thing everyone sees when they approach us; but people also have to know who you are as a person, before they can decide whether they like you or not. If you have a nasty attitude, project a vibe of self-pity, and feel people ought to like you as soon as they've met you; you're somewhat the cause of your issue.
Girls will like you, if and when they're good and ready. They also have a right to reject you, if they don't like you. Your personality has more to do with how people feel about you than your looks, my young friend! Your attitude can cancel-out having a handsome-face; and muscle-bound gym-rats get rejected just as quickly as anybody else. You think if you were "attractive," you'd be more lovable? Looks fade with time, you'll change as your features mature; and you can also be scarred by injury. No telling what life brings; but people love what's within us, and how we treat others. It isn't love, if it's based entirely on how you look. Love comes to some sooner than others. Sometimes you have to wait. If you could get love on demand, DC probably wouldn't be here; and there would be no such thing as dating sites. Singleness is necessary to develop individuality, to set career goals, reach maturity, and to work on self-confidence as you build your self-esteem. Having a girlfriend doesn't make it suddenly appear within you. It's home-grown, and self-maintained. It should be built-in, so you'll bring something to the table when love finally does arrive...and it will arrive.
Your attitude and demeanor projects the person you are. Humans are animals, and we also use our instincts. We judge by the vibe we receive when we approach people. If a lady senses your desperation, or you come across as pushy, jittery, or maybe you show no sign of self-confidence. She is going to feel uncomfortable around you. If you find someone you like, and you're too eager; and won't give her time to get to know you. She'll back-away, or flee; because she feels rushed and forced. I don't care how smokin' hot you are; you will not find love until it's your turn.
Here's some unorthodox advice I will add that many may scoff and reject; but you may need it as much as being told to go sit on somebody's therapy couch. If you've ever been exposed to prayer, faith, and worship; maybe you should pursue some nourishment for the soul. It's unpopular to add God to the equation; and only the Christian-faith includes His Son, Jesus Christ. People who are soul-sick, deep in hopeless despair; also need "spiritual-therapy." Some go to doctors for years, and never find what it is they seem to be missing. Nothing seems to help their sadness and hopelessness. You can reject this suggestion; but if the Lord has His sites on you, He'll pull you in. He will give you comfort, confidence, and strength you've never known. He will give you the love you crave, but it will be a love you can depend on. Then, He will gift you with romantic-love from a person specifically meant for you. God is sovereign, and acts in His own time, and according to His own will. After all, He's God...Who created the universe! You'll probably reject this advice, and ignore it; but you may ignore all I've offered. That's up to you. I can't cram it down your throat. I've taken the time to write this, because I genuinely care. I see the pain so articulately expressed in your post; and I take you seriously. I've even felt the way you feel myself; I will not pretend otherwise. I do not feel sorry for you, but I do feel empathy and compassion. Your pain is real.
Seek medical-attention; and part of your emotional-distress will be helped. Seek therapy before the sadness deepens into an irreversible sorrow, and depression. See a dermatologist. There are treatments that can reverse some forms of acne-scarring and pits caused by picking at bumps, or discoloration (hyperpigmentation) left after pimples dry-up. Do not buy online or over-the-counter acne-treatments without consulting with a dermatologist. You may have sensitive-skin, and the products are too harsh! Different problems sometimes require a treatment program specifically prescribed for the patient. It could be related to diet, genetics, or a combination. You also have to ditch the horrible prejudiced notion that "unattractive-people" are unlovable. THAT IS A FLATOUT LIE!!! It's your business, if you choose to believe that. If you do, then you are probably mistreating or rejecting women who do like you; because they don't meet some artificial-standard in beauty you've set as criteria to even bother to pay them the time of day. What goes around, comes around!
May God give you comfort, and send love your way. You are deserving, and it is not true that you are unlovable. An unlovable-person could never write such a touching and honest post as you have. They'd be too busy being bitter and hateful towards others. You're directing it all inward, self-blaming, and that is being so unkind to yourself. I hope many other uncles and aunts, or readers, will respond to your post. We can't change your feelings, but we can comfort and encourage you.
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