A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a beautiful relationship with a man for ten months. We are both 38. We went through through alot together. He had been seperated from his wife for three years. They had no kids involved. The thing is his ex wife didnt really want him back, she told him she wanted to work on things only to get me away. He left me and when he left me he said he loved me, he was confused, but he did in fact leave me after his ex harrased me. As soon as i was gone a month later she left him. He was coming back again after 2 months she left and she did it again. She caught wind of it and wooed him back, he did, just like she asked and once i was gone, she left him.. Again. Now a coupleonths passed and i reached out to him becausei really never wanted to lose him. We talked. He said he really did love me when we were together, that he shouldnt have gone back to her, but he felt he meeded to because they were married. Weve been messaging back and forth each day, and truthfully i want him back more then anything. But, he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now. He said that if he wanted a relationship he would give it a chance. He said that hes into me, just not into being in a relatiinship. Which i can I truely withunderstand because he went through hell. Hes not the type to swoon different women. So i know hes not seeing anyone. I know the way we talk back and forth and joke around that our relationship would go back into place. Ive asked him to spend time with me and he said yes, just wouldnt be every week, but to get him to budge is hard. I really feel he is locked up and doesnt know what to do. I ask him to give us a chance all the time and he locks up. He says he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now because he is going back to work after a surgery on his hips, he wants to golf and fish and is happy being alone, that he doesnt want to have to answer to anyone. I tried to remind him that we were never like that and he always did what he wanted to do, and he agreed, he knows i wasnt like that. The bittom line, how can i get this man to bend? How can i get back what we had???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): I would advise you to walk away or at least to de-invest yourself from him. He is a flip flopper, he has no backbone, he is wishy washy. Need I say more? Wishy washy people who don't know what they want, have no convictions, and keep changing their mind back and forth, are unreliable. They string people along, break promises and ruin lives, and get everyone mad at them in the process. Don't get into relationships with such people, whether business relationships or romantic ones. It seems this guy is driven by fear of being alone, or fear of something else that overrides his love for you. That's why he keeps flip flopping, it depends entirely on the external circumstances because he has no internal compass.Until and unless he ever grows a back bone, he will continue to be unreliable so even if you "get" him, it won't be a real victory it will be only short lived. You can't make him grow a spine either, you can't make someone else change. The only person you can change is yourself. So you need to work on letting him go emotionally so you can be free to accept whatever level of friendship or casual relationship he is willing to do, or move on and find someone else to replace him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
 OP, when I divorced my second husband, he did not want a divorce. He fought me on it. BFD in my opinion, I did not wish to be married to an abusive man any longer so I got a divorce without his consent. It can be done.His choice was to go back to her. HIS CHOICE... she did not hold a gun to his head and force him.IF you want him back, you get him back with his still wanting to be embroiled with her.your choice.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 April 2013):
 "sigh"
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 April 2013):
"sigh"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): His wife was living with a new guy for 3yrs but during that time managed lure him back off all HIS new women friends.
Her new man must be very understanding
His only mistake was using women to boost his ego and make her jealous at the same time.
Game playing by both which is why you should steer clear of men who are not divorced or over their marriage.
Somethin tells me you will not give up on him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoes anyone think that he might have made a mistake?. I blame her , she didnt want him to be with anyone else... Aka she wanted her cake a.d eat it to. Its just hard to walk away from something that meant alot to me.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (8 April 2013):
 Hi
I really hope you can move on and let go of him.
Even when he is divorced he will want his freedom, he has made that very clear. He may be a good man but he wants to be single. Neither you nor his family will change his views he is his own man.
"If you love somebody, let them go,if they come back they are yours,if they don't, then they never were"
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 April 2013):
I was just answering her question. The guy is not worth her time, that's not disputed by me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am definatetly reading all advice and taling it all in. Otherwise i woiuldnt have asked...:) he asked her for divirce before and she said no, she didnt like me too mych. Me and his family both said that she wasnt going to stay. .. I admire him for trying, its just a really confusing situation. . He did her me alit when he left, he stood there watching me cry unable to breath. This is after he told me he loved me the day befire.. I also have to add that they were seperated fir three years and his soon to be ex wife was living and involved with another guy the whole three years. And i wasnt the only girl she did this too. Personally i think she wanted no one to be with him. I know he didnt have to leave me, he could have stayed, but i also know that he is a good man.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 April 2013):
He's going ahead with the divorce for himself, not to be with you. He already said he doesn't really want a relationship. He just trying to string you along to keep you in his back pocket. He'll pull you when he wants then stuff you back in when he feels like it. And you are allowing it. You certainly don't want waste anymore precious time on this guy because you'll totally regret it. But I'm afraid we are preaching to the choir,.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2013):
 To CMMP and the OP: Great advice to be taken....
You (CMMP) seem to have overlooked that this creep has no guts..... and YOU have encouraged the OP to go ahead an place herself in-line for still some more heartache...
I stick with my advice.... a spineless man will remain spineless until and unless he gets an implant!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really do appreciate everyones input. I feel like i belueve he was sincere in saying that he was wrong to go back to her, but he did it because they were technically still married. She didnt like me too much, and when he asjed her for duvorce she said no. I think hes hurt fromeverything he has been through. I do love him, always have, and me and hus family knew she was going to do this.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 April 2013):
The other people here are quick to respond without thinking too much but forehand. While they're right that you can't force him or convince him right away, you can start things moving again at a pace that makes him feel comfortable. Since he's indicated he likes you and is willing to see you, just go with the flow for now. Don't force him to hang out with you and just treasure the time you have together. Leave your expectations at the door and he may soon find himself wanting more of you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (7 April 2013):
 Sorry, but the bottom line to all this is you CAN'T get him back.
Look here: he kept going back to his wife repeatedly did he not? Yes, he said he loved you - but you must know actions speak louder than words. He was telling you one thing but behaving completely the opposite.
Now he has told you straight that he doesn't want to be in a relationship and if he DID, he would give it another chance.
So there you have it. Give up on this man and learn a lesson for any future potential relationship!!
P.S. He's still married. Don't get involved with married or even separated men until the divorce is final!
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A
female
reader, v3nus +, writes (7 April 2013):
 I strongly recommend you move on and forget about this man because he does not want what you want. and he will never. and if you carry on seeing him you will end up getting hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe went to court for the divorce and is in the process of the 90 days to be over.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 April 2013):
Hi
The easy way he went back to his wife when she clicked her fingers shows he is not over her. They are not even divorced. He's emotionally attached to her still. So I guess you filled a gap sexually while he waited for her, you were a ready companion too.
He has made it plain he does not want a relationship, who can blame him, he has been there done that and is still recovering, is still married, not free even.
Why prolong the agony by keeping in contact, your just living in hope when there is none - with him. Cut the cord and start recovery.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 April 2013):
What you "HAD" was a whole lot of nothing. Take off those rose-colored lens and take a deep breath, does it smell like coffee? You can and must do better. Happy hunting, it can actually be lots of fun.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2013):
You seem to have developed a fancy for a man who lacks a backbone (a SPINE!).... I think that the guy you've described.... who waffles based upon the actions of his two competing ladies (you and "the ex-")... can be expected to exhibit that same, undesireable, quality in most or all of the other decisions in life... so you would be stuck with "Mr Wishy-washy" for as long as you chose to endure him. I that really the kind of guy you want?
You ask "... how can I get this man to bend?" Answer is, you can't.... You can't "bend" a jellyfish.
WHY would you want to "get back what we had".... when what you had was a tenuous arrangement, subject to the next faint stimulus that sent him off on his next tangent????
Let him go... .and take a deep breath and say to yourself: "Whew, I almost made the biggest mistake of my life..."
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): He doesn't want a relationship and you can't make him. End of story. No amount of talking will get him to reconsider. The best thing for you to do is move on. Unless u like this emotional roller coaster then by all means continue. Youre already aware of his pattern. Once his wife calls he will leave again. Why continue with this? You know this isn't healthy. Just find some inner peace within yourself and find someone better. Don't you think you deserve emotional stability? He is not going to be with you in a relationship. Its about time you start to realize that. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): "The [bottom] line, how can i get this man to bend?"You can't. You were a nice piece on the side, but now you're not worth the effort you require or the complications you cause in his life. "How can i get back what we had???"You can't, and if you need reminding what you had was a backstreet affair with a married man who at the end of the day will always go back to the wife whom he has no intention of ever divorcing, and at any given time whatever lies a married man tells his wife always completely contradict the lies he tells his mistress.
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