A
male
age
30-35,
*rym
writes:I've heard some rumors about my girlfriend from a friend of mines on campus. He says that someone he knows has been saying he and my girlfriend had a thing a few months back. We're weren't a couple back then so naturally this was something that didn't really bother me. BUT since she seems to like to keep our relationship discreet, it has made me paranoid that she might still be having a thing with him.I confronted my girlfriend about it and she denied everything. I wasn't angry about it when I talked to her. I spoke calmy and just wanted to know if any of it was true. She was offended that I would accuse her of doing something behind her back. I felt horrible and guilty for doubting her so I dropped the subject and told her that it wasn't an issue. We left it at that.Still, I can't help but feel paranoid about this. I know guys talk shit when a certain girl doesn't accept thier advances. She's also never given me a reason to suspect her of cheating besides the whole not wanting everyone to know of our relationship. She says that some people are mean spirited and will cause chaos just to see us break up. I want to believe her but now I just feel like I can't look at her the same way. How do I get past this and trust her completely again? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): I'm going to apologize in advance, because I'm just going to come out with what could be considered a very uncomfortable question. Keep in mind, this is a question , not an accusation. Have you, by chance, done any of the things you're accusing her of? Past or present? Because the one thing I've recently learned is the guilty party is usually the one obsessing over these things. I know I've just experienced the accusations for the past year and a half of my life. And, I must say, it was quite effective. It kept me in a constant mode of defending myself and reassuring him of HIS safety and security in our relationship. All the while keeping the focus off of himself. Quite brilliant, if you ask me. Unfortunately, sometimes counseling only achieves teaching an abuser a better, more efficient way of achieving power and control. Just curious about your side of things.
A
male
reader, Grym +, writes (18 February 2013):
Grym is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've only been dating 2.5 months. I didn't push the going public thing because I felt it wasn't mandatory at this point. But now I want to because I don't like thinking there's another guy out there who might be talking to my girl and not know that she already has a boyfriend. I think more problems will arise from guys not knowing she's taken than knowing that she is.
I feel the three months mark might be a good time for us to announce it. I've already told her that I wasn't going remain a secret forever. I didn't see any point to it. Whether she likes it or not, I will tell all of my friends that we're dating sooner or later. It'll be her decision then to see if she wants this relationship to keep going.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 February 2013):
 That would sure be something if we had the Insecurity Perfect Storm happening, and she thinks you being with someone will make you a target for other women to make sport of busting you up, sort of like a dog who digs a hole to hide its bone to keep it from others.
From what you've described, she's not the type of girl who likes to keep options open, right? The fact that you mention her being very influenced by past pain makes me think she's as insecure as you are.
You never mentioned, how long have you two been dating?? If it's past the three month mark, it is time to talk about being exclusive, in which case "going public" is part of that fact. If this is a new relationship, I can see her being careful, but if you've been going out 6+ months, you're long overdue, or there's something wrong.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 She is not too convincing about the reason for the relationship being discreet. She has to realize that not being public about you two will not stop the harrassments. People will think she is single and make advances. She has to face her fears and not let the past dictate what she does to protect herself.
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A
male
reader, Grym +, writes (17 February 2013):
Grym is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe says she wants to keep the relationship on the downlow because she feels there are people out there who would want to break us up. She has a lot of admirers on campus and there were many guys competing for her. She says that I was different because I showed I actually cared instead of being another jerk who was looking for some ass.She says this is exactly why she wanted to be discreet because if people knew who I was, they would do exactly this. They would fill my head with doubts and try to poison us from within. Do I believe she's genuine? I don't know. She has been hurt extremely bad in the past. She is insecure when it comes to me. I know she doesn't want to lose me but I still think it would be better if people knew we were dating. I wish she would have more faith in me and my feelings. I know there are jerks out there who would love nothing more than to get me out of the picture so that they can have a chance as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): Have you asked her why she prefers to keep your relationship discrete?
If so, what was her reply?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 February 2013):
Her wanting to keep the relationship on the down low probably has more to do with her insecurity than anything. And it's a good thing she got upset when you confronted her about cheating; that's the strongest sign of innocence.
Combine all that with the fact that you said you don't have any reason to not trust her... She's not cheating. Drop it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 February 2013):
Ooh, you should be extremely paranoid right now, but not of your girlfriend.
If there's someone to be paranoid of right now, it's your friend, because it sounds an awful lot like he's got designs for your girlfriend. What better way than to plant a seed in you, mess up your relationship to the point where she drops you because she can't stand the jealousy, and then your friend walks in and seals the deal with her?
If your girlfriend denies it or admits it is irrelevant, because it's her past. The separate issue is why she wants to keep your relationship a secret. Have you asked her why? She could be just shy, or she may have strict parents, or anything.
Funny, but what your girlfriend feared is already in motion with your friend. I'm guessing that Jannie's right and she rejected someone's advances.
Talk to her about making your relationship public, and let her know that no one has the power to break you two up. See what she says then.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 February 2013):
You were not accusing her of doing something behind your back. You were simply asking if her and that guy had a thing before you dated. Her strong reaction to that is telling you to stop looking into it, and stop questioning why your relationship is discreet. Now that you know the subject has to be closed, you are still not peaceful with it.
If she is that scared of mean spirited people breaking your relationship up, she should stay clear of relationships rather than finding a nice guy like you to accept an underground relationship. Her reasoning is flawed and she is hiding something. You can't communicate with her about important things, so now you have to decide on what to do with her because your relationship status will not change by itself. Don't fight against your gut for the sake of keeping a relationship especially when it doesn't satisfy your needs.
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A
male
reader, CJH  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 Paranoia WILL annoy her.
You have answered an awful lot of your own questions in your post here. You say you realize you are paranoid yet you continue to let that irrational emotion get the better of you.
All you can do is ask the girl outright if there is an issue - you've done this and she has said no.
Either accept that and get on with your relationship OR dont accept it and end things.
There is no middle ground here it should be ON or OFF - make your mind up which and stick to it.
The only true test of any relationship is time. Why not use that as your guide?
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