A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel so pathetic for writing this but I'd really appreciate the advice. My boyfriend of four years just left me. Told me three days ago that he was coming over the next day to break up with me. Well, he never showed up, and I kept trying to call but he's either turned his phone off or gotten a new number. (He said on the phone that he wasn't sure what he wanted and I assured him that if he didn't break up with me I'd break up with him, and actually specifically asked if he was willing to show up either way and do the decent thing, he said yes, I'm sorry, I'll see you tomorrow).I know that I should take his disappearance as a very harsh and cowardly break-up but it doesn't really feel like we've broken up to me. I'm worried about how I'm going to get over this. I know I would be getting over a normal break-up well (objectively speaking), but it's hard to accept now. I want to let go and stop obsessing and feeling overwhelmed by hurt or anger. I've only tried calling again once since, and I'm not even allowing myself to consider other ways of contacting him (calling him at work, showing up at his house or work, email, contacting his family or friends, etc.), because I really do want to accept this and move on.It probably doesn't help that I'm somewhat used to him disappearing and showing up again weeks later acting as if he'd never left. So obviously I know that I'm better off without him, but I'm seriously bothered by this. I'm worried that if I can't start accepting it soon I'll become desperate and do something stupid. I really don't want to be that girl, and I just wish he'd had the decency to show up. How can I convince myself that it's over and accept that I'm never going to get the proper break-up I deserved?
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 Consider his actions as the breakup. Consider it finished move on and find someone new. If he comes back just tell him you've moved on.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 I was in a similar situation except we never had the "we're going to break up" conversation. My GF one day decided she was just going to stop answering the phone when I called, not return any messages or texts, and just left it at that. I had some closure issues going on too. What helped me was writing her an email basically laying out what I was feeling and saying that this is officially the break up letter. That I hadn't wanted it to end that way after 3 years, but that if she wasn't going to talk to me then I guess I didn't have any other option. It gave me the closure I needed, and that was enough for me to move on. I hope this story helps you. You're not the only one with a spineless ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Geeez he sounds like a real nice guy. Just kick him in the balls and dump him hunny xoxo
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (1 November 2010):
 Ok yes he took the cowardly way out, he doesnt deserve you as a girlfriend if this is how he is going to treat you. Dont contact him what so ever, let him come to you, and when he does dont take him back tell him it is over for good. Its never easy to get over a break up, you need time to grieve your loss and you also need to have friends and loved ones around you to help you through it, i no it doesnt seem like it now but it will get better in time i promise. You need to get him out of your life and it is hard but you are in denial at the moment but it will soon hit you that it is over.
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