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How can I get my husband to start paying attention to me,instead of masturbating to porn?

Tagged as: Pornography, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 February 2008) 16 Answers - (Newest, 19 February 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and lately I feel that he doesn't think that I am attractive. He is always looking at pictures of naked girls online. He admits that he likes masturbating to these pictures even though usually I am home and more than willing. He stays up really late at night and does nothing but search porn sites. He thinks that I am sleeping but usually I am laying in bed awake wondering what he is thinking about and what is so wrong with me that he has to stare at pictures of strangers instead of making love with his own wife. He even bookmarks the websites. During the day I can walk into the room and he will close out the screen. This has caused me a whirlwind of emotions but mostly self esteem problems. I don't know what to do and I am afraid to tell him about my feelings because he gets really defensive. I feel like I am going crazy. I really love him and I have tried to accept his addiction to masturbating to porn on the internet but it is starting to cause me to become distracted during the times when him and I do have sex. It is also making me feel like I have to try to compete with the girls that he looks at just to get him to think that I am sexy. I am afaid that this is going to ruin our marriage. What should I do and how do I do it without starting an argument?

View related questions: porn, self esteem, the internet

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A female reader, Moon13 United States +, writes (19 February 2010):

Moon13 agony auntI'm sorry Ladies, I think you've got it all wrong when you complain but don't do anything about it.. the guy is an ass, with a sexual problem, and the weird part is he dont want to do you, yet he's pretending to be doing this with porn stars on the net, which is silly right? Well I don't see who would want to be married to a jerk like that.. diease or no diease you shouldn't have to take it. These type of men dont even want a cure.. and why waste your life dealing with this, instead find yourself someone normal that would love you for you and make love to you.. and not treat you like crap. Their are times in our lives when we have to stand up for ourselves and not let anyone step all over us. Take charge.. these type of men wind up cheating anyway..

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A female reader, grrrrrrr United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2010):

I came on here to make sense of my own relationship! Not realising how many other woman are having the same problem with the same issue!

I'm not against porn in any way, in fact i'll use it myself if feeling horny and my mans at work, but I would never dream of getting off to a fantasy while my man was available and willing.

I'm sick to death of having to instigate any sexual activity with my man, getting him all turned on while his idea of getting me in the mood is a quick fondle!

Yet almost every morning he'll sit watching porn whilst playing with himself, he wouldnt dream of coming upatairs and jumping my bones!

I'm getting so sick of feeling rejected I'm seriously considering doing one. I mean, how would he feel if I never wanted him sexualy? Never made a move? Yet would have no trouble getting off to porn!

We do have a small child which hasnt made things in the bedroom department easy, so to me that means you grab every chance you can get not use the time to jerk off to porn. I've always had a high sex drive and according to him so has he! Seems he just doesnt want it with me!

I caught him masturbating this morning lol but he doesnt know it YET!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009):

Not much of what replies you have gotten are going to make you feel any better. They certainly don't make me feel any better. I feel completely inadequate, ugly, dirty, worthless. Every time I catch him at it, he finds a better way to hide it. And he reacts the same way your husband does if I try to talk about it. He says I'm holding the past against him.

That's a horrible thing to say to me. It's not the past, it's now. It's yesterday, tomorrow and today. It's the rest of my life being dismissed like yesterday's news. And I asked him about his porn usage when we were dating! He lied of course. Mislead me. I don't know why he was so hell bent on marrying me, when he was going to spend all his time with them. What am I for? To keep his house? To show everybody he has a good wife? He's married, makes him look better?

People can say it's not me all they want, it will not make me FEEL like it doesn't say something about me. I'm sorry, but it does. It says my husband would rather watch porn than have sex with me. I'm sorry but there is no way you can dress that up. MY HUSBAND WOULD RATHER WATCH PORN THAN HAVE SEX WITH ME. I'm thinking i'm with that other lady. When the kids are grown, I'm gone. I'm going to find someone who appreciates what they have and sets our relationship as more important than looking at other women. I spend most of my days feeling like I'm going to puke. Sorry I have no advice. I don't think they change when they have this habit. Nothing I have tried has worked.

By the way, I am a fairly good looking woman with a nice body. It just doesn't happen to be airbrushed like all those women on the internet.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008):

Honey--

He is a sexual addict. He is cheating you out of a healthy, loving relationship.

Go to the library and read up on this. Also, check out websites devoted to this. Once you read, you will understand. THEN you can make a wise decision.

Most of the confusion stems from the fact that women (and boyfriends/husbands of women sex addicts) don't know that their partner is a sexual addict.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008):

Honestly, this is a guy thing. The difference with your situation to others is that he is honest to you about what he is doing. You could have sex with your partner 4 times a week and he would still find time to masturbate. Some guys masturbate less than others, depends on their sex drive. Alot of women also masturbate.

I am a healthy happy male. I love my partner to death. We have a good sex life and I find her very sexy and attractive. I dont have sex with anyone else accept her, nor do I feel the need to. But I also masturbate.

I can be as simple as this. You wake up in the morning after having a naughty dream, you both need to get top work, busy busy, so you know there isnt time for sex so you do it in the shower and feel alot better. 2 minutes of fixing yourself other than a rejection from the wife due to time and situation.

But honestly, out of 10 of the top friends I have, guys, they all masturbate and look at porn. Not together mind you ;)

So you are not in a weird relationship. Its mos likely a normal everyday one. Just your husband is more honest about what he is doing.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

i have the same prob.no amount of words will solve what ur going through my hub wont give me answers or see a counciller with me.but for ur own sake get help.

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A female reader, gost8 United States +, writes (2 March 2008):

Double M seems to always give great advice and this situation is no different. You both should seek counseling. Your husband may reject the idea, at least at first, but give it time.

Have you tried while you are in bed alone and know he is watching porn, go into the room he is in and join him? Start by rubbing him and masturbating him to orgasm?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008):

Porn addiction does seem to be reaching epidemic proportions unfortunately. You need help, therapist, local support group, books on sex addiction, and go to this web-site npsupport.net there is a spouses board that is invaluable in helping with the hurt and gaining an understanding of how something like this can be addicting. In the end only the addict himself can make the decision to stop, not you..you can only help yourself, please do.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (27 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou need to be assertive. Stand up to him and he will respect you .You need to show him where are your limits and boundaries are .

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (27 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIt could just be a phase in his life or it could be an addiction that is hard to cure.

If it is just a phase only , he may get tired of it and lose interest and come back to you .

It depends on your tolerance levels. How long will you be able to tolerate his habits.

If you cannot stand it anymore , then you need to confront him about this harmful habit.Show him ,hell has no fury like a woman scorned.

If it does not work , then you have no choice but to leave him .He may wake up to your needs.

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A male reader, Namatjira United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2008):

All I can say is that if he prefers online sex to the real thing with a willing and available woman, then he is a fool.

Trust me lady, if I were him (and I am sure a great many other men think the same) and you were my wife and willing for us to get it on, then the computer would not even get switched on.

The others are right though, to fix this will require commitment from you both. If he is not willing to recognise and to do what is needed to fix this, then you are in the position of choosing between a future complete and fulfilling relationship and him.

Your move kid.

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A female reader, jenna34 United States +, writes (26 February 2008):

There is a lot of this going around!! It's almost like the fascination with video games but of course, much worse. What are these guys thinking? Hours and hours and hours of it. Maybe it takes them longer to get turned on after looking at it so much! Of course you have to tell him. Say it calmly and let him know how this is interfering with your marriage. If he can't stop or cut it drastically down, there is a problem. Maybe women will end up running this country because these guys will be hypnotized by the computer! ha haa

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A female reader, velvetluv21 United States +, writes (26 February 2008):

I swear if it were up to men, online porn would become a religeon. It seems you have 3 choices... live with it, leave him, or start competeing. Either start watching your own porn or whatver turns you on or start dressing up and make sexual advances towards him. He's not gonna want to turn off porn and find you if he knows you aren't happy. Pretend to be and see if it makes a difference. Lets say you are blowing him while in something sluty and he still prefers to go to the computer.... leave him. There is no hope from there.

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A male reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (26 February 2008):

Porn can be a valuable tool in the heightening of the male's sexual response,especially when a man gets up in years. However there is quite a distinction in it's addiction,and being used as fall-out to enhance two people's sexual quality in their bedroom. An addict knows that the drugs aren't good for him, but the Addiction is always about the next fix, and so is his addiction to Porn, that has taken over his ability to share his body in the real world. There is a fine-line between Porn controlling him and he controlling it. All of us need to feel loved and be loved, And it doesn't always have to be sex, but the hugging ,touching and kissing, that says, "I love you". And sooner or later,If you can't get it from him, Well, You'll be looking for it somewhere else. You need to lay it out to him,That he can change or that you'll be moving on with-out him.

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A male reader, DoubleM United States + , writes (26 February 2008):

DoubleM agony auntMy goodness, I hope that no children are involved here. The husband is obviously distracted from the marriage to a serious degree and you are only a victim, not at all at any fault. You absolutely must know and believe, full in your heart and mind forever, that this is of no shortcoming on your part. Promise yourself.

There is no certainty that issues cannot be repaired and resolved, however. But I would think that the problem must be discussed, whether it leads to arguments or not and ultimately, his agreement to participate in professional counseling may be required. The counseling would not, and perhaps should not be centered on whether he enjoys pornography, but focused on why he does not enjoy the fruits of your loving.

Porn is exciting these days - it is designed to be in order to make tons of money - but it may often lead to harmful marital relationships and I think you deserve what you hoped for in your marriage. It did not involve a masturbating husband in front of a computer, did it?

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A female reader, AvonLady Australia +, writes (26 February 2008):

I could have written this question myself. When I was married to my first husband he stopped making love to me and I had no idea why. Eventually I confronted him and he admitted to masturbating. He did say he thought of me when he was masturbating. I thought it was my fault - I was overweight so I joined a gym and it took 3 months to become trim, taught and terrific. It made no difference to my relationship with my husband.

My self esteem and confidence was at an all time low so I went out and found myself a lover. I discovered there was nothing wrong with me !!

But I did contact a help group and a very wise lady said to me - You have to decide what is important - sex or your marriage ( I had a couple of kids at the time )

I decided to make the best of things, to raise my kids. Sex just wasn't that important to me and I occasionally took a lover - not very often though.

When my kids grew up and left home I asked him to leave - he left. I don't regret the decision.

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