A
female
age
51-59,
*ike mom
writes:My daughter is 18 and her boyfriend is 23. He has had many problems and it resulted in a felony when he was only 19 or 20. They had their own place and recently we all moved in together. He doesn't work and she pays for everything. He seems to think everything she owns is his. He was in prison for three years and seems to have a mentality that is extremely selfish. Whats his is his and what is others is his. He isn't looking for work and has an excuse why every job isn't for him. He was hit by a train a year ago and I wonder if he is slow because of that or just inconsiderate and stupid. My Dad has him work for him but he has missed opportunities bc he didn't receive enough notice. A few hours isn't acceptable for him. He stays up late and sleeps late. I've tried to get him to respect certain rules pertaining to dishes and what not and he does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Its getting to the point that I can't stand to hear his voice. The home we rented is beautiful and we struggle to make the payments. He just freeloads and doesn't seem to appreciate he isn't on the streets anymore or in prison. His parents refuse to help him. You would think he would want to chip in and make life easier for all of us and he just is more work and an absolute serenity crusher for me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live with him. I want it just to be our family.I'd rather not have my daughter pay rent and try and figure out a way to make up the difference and not have him live here. Oh, he doesn't have a license either. She or we have to take him everywhere. Oh, please help me. Iam becoming more resentful by the minute!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 Move out. Your issues with him blew into this when you started living with him.
As a final good-bye tell your daughter the honest truth about how you feel about him, and then never mention it again. You want your daughter to be able to come to you when times get tough for her (no doubt they will soon), and if you've alienated her too much then that wont happen. So tell her ONCE the truth about how you feel, move out, and never mention the boyfriend again. Don't ask about him, no snide comments, no nothing. Just leave it be. And trust that your daughter isn't dumb herself and will eventually kick the dead beat moocher out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): "His parents refuse to help him."
Nike Mom, what does that tell you? Look it's simple OP, you have to tell him that you're struggling to make repayments and you simply cannot afford to have him living there anymore. You literally can't afford it. "You don't pay your way, you don't chip in with housework, you don't respect the rules of this house nor me and I don't want you living here any more. You have 2 weeks to sort out another place, a month at most."
That's it. OP if you have a partner discuss this with them and get them on your side. If not then tell him you have your own kids to raise and take care of and you can't take care of him on top of that.
When your daughter runs to his side then you have to be firm with her and tell her you can't do it anymore, it's making you depressed, sad and resentful. Having him live there is too much for you and you can't take it anymore. "Where will he go?" He's grown man, he can take care of himself. "If he goes I go" That's your choice, you're always welcome here you're my daughter but I can't sacrifice my own happiness and the happiness of your siblings on a guy who refuses to do what's necessary to stay here and be good to us. "If you loved me you wouldn't do this to me, he's my boyfriend" I do love you but I'm in pain, I'm your mother and I can't live like this, do you really want me to have live like this? "I'll get him to change I swear." My mind is made up, he has a month to move out if in that month there is a drastic change, he has a full time job and contributes fully to the maintenance of this household I may reconsider.
OP just understand one thing. Do not let this become about your daughter. If she decides you're being unfair, takes his side and decides to move out with him etc. Stick to your guns and let her. The only way she'll see how tough it is for you is when she's coming home from work to her own house and he's done nothing all day but scratch his arse. Let's see how long she can take being his chauffeur, cleaner, bread winner, mother and counsellor. Be strong here OP, your daughter moving with him and being pissed at you for doing this is not a bad consequence, she's 18 and it's time she started learning life's lessons.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 You tell him " See that wood rectangle with a metal knob in the middle ? It's called a door. You push it open, move a few steps forward, then close the door firmly behind your back and keep walking. Good, exactly like this. Well done. See ya ! "
Aunty BimBim is right, your daughter won't be happy. Mothers seldom win Miss Popularity contexts :), as a parent perhaps you can't prevent her from wrecking her life, but you can refuse to actively enable her doing just that, and most of all you can,must in fact, prevent her and her bf from wrecking yours.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I can understand the resentment, I know I would be feeling pretty much the same as you are.
Your daughter is not going to be happy. My gut tells me that she is going to chose to live with him rather than live with you.
You may have to let that happen. You tell her straight that although you love the house you are finding it a financial drain and you would prefer not to struggle. Let her know as soon as the lease is up you are moving out. Tell her you will be downsizing but that there will always be room for her. Explain to her you would prefer not to share a house with her boyfriend as you are becoming resentful that he appears to create more work for you rather than less. Tell her you would prefer to move out now while the relationship you have with him is reasonably amicable (ok thats a lie) because you would prefer to part as house mates on good terms rather than bad.
And stick by it! His parents are smart enough not to have them hanging around their necks, you need to be the same. Your daughter needs to be adult enough to accept this.
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