| A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have a troubled and stressful relationship with my brother who keeps trying to get inside me and know my thoughts and sort of try to publicize them and gets joy out of these. He doesn't believe i should have anything personal of my own that he doesn't know. We have had quite a trustful relationship while growing up, but as an adult, my brother fails to let go of the small brother thing he has in his mind about me. Sometimes, he expects me to be like him or live up to his expectations for him to respect me as a valuable person in family. I have made it clear several times that i can't but he doesn't let it go. At times i have to control his emotions as if i was his elder brother and not the other way round. Now i am getting engaged and am confused as to how do i continue to relate with my brother without him trying to interfere or burden me with his irrational and unfair imaginations of how i should be. I find it difficult to hurt him with any personal attack as i think that would be cruel for the kind of support he has been to me in past. Please advice.
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male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (11 February 2007):
 I am the oldest of three boys and the one just younger than me has always been jelous of me even though he has taken on the posture of an older brother.
The key to the situation is, who is actually the more mature one. It sounds like you are and mabe you will have to balance out how much you let him know about you and your daily life.
As he mentally matures things will become easier for you but it may take awhile just as it did betweem my brother and me. Now we have a very good relationship but I am 51 and he is 45.
Ours took awhile. Doc.
A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (11 February 2007):
 It sounds as though your brother has a touch of sibling rivalry. Probably he has a certain amount of jealousy about you which he's not even aware of. I'm sure he thinks he's helping you and doesn't mean to be like this. The problem is, as you say, it interferes with your life and you're of an age when you don't need this any more. I think you should start gradually to distance yourself from him a bit, but without hurting his feelings. Start by NOT telling him everything that's on your mind or happening in your life. Keep him informed about other things but keep anything important to you to yourself. You have no obligation to tell him everything you're thinking. This will mean that he has less to 'publicise' and what he does tell other people won't matter to you too much. I would also suggest you slowly start spending more time with your girlfriend and see him less if that's possible. If you live together then try to find somewhere else to go for some of the time, like your girlfriend's house or a friend's house. He will begin to see that you're an independent person who has a mind of his own and can make his own decisions. By all means, ask him for his help when you really need it, but be careful how much you tell him. I think you'll find that as time goes by he'll become used to this new you and accept it without any hard feelings. Hope that helps.
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