A
female
age
30-35,
*lrtrk
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and 4 of those months he has been in work release.I lied to him about how many times I talked to this guy. I've never cheated on him nor hung out with another guy.I truly love this man with all my heart and I need some advice on how I can gain his trust back.I told my boyfriend that I talked to another guy on facebook, but lied about how many times I texted this guy. It was only 5 times in 2 months. I never wanted to hurt him but I know I should be honest and I wasn't and I might lose the one thing I love in life.He left many opportunities for me to tell him about any other times because he is going to look online at our phone bill. He looked from the last billing cycle and will not be able to see the most recent until the next billing cycle. I told him about the times he knew and left out one other time, but the next day i told him because I did not want him to find out when he looked online.I understand that he is hurt and he has lost all his trust in me. I just want to earn it back because I do not want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): I've just gone through the same thing.
Face it, you're busted... But eventually e will trust you again. What I did was delete the guy off of my friends list and blocked his number through my phone company, so far his trust in me is building.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Question: How did a DUI from two years ago finally catch up with him? He had to have violated his probation in some way, either getting caught driving without a valid driver's licencse (as DUI's get their license and driving priviledges taken away) or not showing up to court or something violating his probation...that is not indicitive of positive change.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (11 August 2010):
It's interesting that you think pointing out your errors in thinking and choosing a boyfriend is "putting you down". Did you ever perhaps think that an older, wiser person has the life experience to see those red flags where you do not, and is actually on your side and is telling you where you are being stupid? Making a mistake?
Perhaps your boyfriend has changed, I don't know him, but my money is on that he hasn't because he exhibits a lot of the behaviors of a controlling abuser, perhaps personality disordered person. These things are unchangeable, no amount of love or therapy will change a character disordered person. If you would like to learn more then google personality disorders and study up. I am basing this on science not just my own opinion, you have to educate yourself to read the signs and to understand that not all people are capable of a second chance. Does that mean they don't deserve love? Actually the answer is yes and no. They themselves do not feel deep emotions, they themselves do not love, you can love a person like this and the cost to you will be very high. They are psycholgically damaging to be around, they tend to be high confilict high problem people. And because they are incapable of change and growth, the harm they will cause to you is inevitable.
So there you have it, that's why I don't believe in sticking with it if all the signs point to bad news.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (11 August 2010):
Lets get real babes! people do and can change! would you like me to name a few? if you love him sweetie, and you believe in him don't let it go until he proves you other wise! all i can say is he has a good woman and i hope he realizes it. like you said you haven't been together that long? and yes things have happened it's like you wer'e catching the tail end of his inperfections. but whos to say w/ you by his side that they are the end of everything he so regrets and if we are all perfect how will he ever learn from our mistakes! hang in there im on your side.
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A
female
reader, mlrtrk +, writes (11 August 2010):
mlrtrk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReally, i do not need to be put down. My parents are proud of me reguardless of who I date. Yes I am very young and could experience a lot more, but when you have that feeling about someone, I've been told, don't let that go. I thank you for your opinion on the situation.
I have thought of the same thing, that he does have a some kind of disorder, that does not mean that person should not be loved.
His DUI's are over 2 years old and his punishment has finally caught up to him and he is getting out on good behavior. I have known him longer than 9 months also.
I see a huge change in his bahavior. We all have different things we look for in someone and his is trust.
Whats a relationship without trust?
Yes my lie was minor, but it was still a lie. Again, I thank you for your opinion on the situation.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (10 August 2010):
Out of the mouths of babes who think they know it all.
Your lie was minor, it was about how many times you talked to a male on FACEBOOK, since half of the human race is the opposite sex are you planning on never speaking to another male as long as you are IN LOVE and being taken care of by this guy?
The point I am trying to make young lady, is that this guy's behavior is a mirror into his character which is something that is not going to change, he has a bad one, he was born with it and he obviously cannot learn and grow from his mistakes, hence the multiple DUI's. Does he intend to stop drinking while out at the bars? (You don't have to answer that, I already know the answer)
You have love goggles on, I am telling you the truth, you could do much better, and this abusive controlling behavior he has started to display is only going to get worse.
How do you get his trust back? You can't. You can't fix a personality disordered person's view about anything.
So there is your answer....Now how do you open your eyes to the truth about this character you have known only 9 months and 4 of which he has been in jail and on work release? I bet your parent's are proud.
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A
female
reader, mlrtrk +, writes (10 August 2010):
mlrtrk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe point i'm trying to get across is that i lied reguardless of his background, i lied to someone that does nothing but take care of me. No matter how big the lie was or not, it was still a lie. I'm just asking how to regain someone's trust, not whether or not I should be with that person. I want to know how to regain trust from someone you love and someone that loves me back.
Everyone has a background, whether it be criminal or not, does not make them a bad person.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (10 August 2010):
He obviously is a repeat offender, driving while intoxicated or under the influence of drugs is a CRIMINAL offense, he IS a criminal and shows a genuine lack of responsibility and empathy for others. If he has three DUI's he is a FELON and has to do jail time, like I asked, do you know whether or not he is a FELON? There are many many people and corporations who will not hire a person with a Felony.
In short, he has signs of being abusive, controlling and is a substance abuser that disregards the law and continues to offend. These are all red flags of someone who has a personaity disorder. People with AXIS II personality disorders often are substance abusers as well as impulsive, lack of emotional control, poor judgement, and anti social tendencies i.e. breaking the law or disrearding social norms with disregard to the affect their behavior has on others.
He's still a bad bet.
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A
female
reader, mlrtrk +, writes (10 August 2010):
mlrtrk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is in work release for DUI's. He is not Criminal
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (10 August 2010):
Why don't you tell him just what you told us! the last line. and all you can do is build your trust back up and chalk it off as a lessened learned! trust is a big part of our lives and with out it we are a mess because it always comes back to bite you in the butt one way or another? trust is communication, respect & honesty which all turns into the greatest love between 2 people! remember that. i hope things work out for the both of you! so in the mean time don't bring it up give him his space to work through things and tell him you know you may have screwed up the best thing that has ever happened to you and you understand how he feels, and you do truly love him and that you wish you can take it back! but you can unchange what you did as much as you want too! and that you hope he will understand in time that it is him you do love. and remember we are not perfect and we do make mistakes even hurtful ones and we are human, and it is apart of life! the most important thing to remember is we can change from our bad choices and make better decisions so please don't beat yourself up to bad it was a bad judgement call on your part own it as that
it will make you a better person and make you feel proud of who you are even if he doesn't understand? that you stepped up and wanted to make things right!!! proud of you.
Best Wishes!
Best Wishes!
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (10 August 2010):
You are in love with a guy with a criminal record? He's on work release? What is he a Felon?
He doesn't sound to me like the best thing that ever happened to you, but the worst thing that ever happened to you.
His jealousy and checking your phone records just because you spoke to a man on Facebook is a red flag of his controlling behavior.
What exactly did you do that was so wrong? This controlling behavior is typical of an abuser. That goes along with his anti social tendencies of criminal action.
I know you don't want to hear this, but you are making a terrible mistake in your choice of dating partners.
Please get into some counseling so someone can help you with your self esteem issues and why you equate controlling men with criminal records as love.
He's a bad bet.
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A
female
reader, mlrtrk +, writes (10 August 2010):
mlrtrk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice sab123, i'm trying to cope with everything that has happened. i am taking the responsibility for my actions, i want everything to work out because i want to marry this man one day.
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