A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How the hell do I controll myself? If a man comes onto me I cannot help but go along with it! Im not a tart by the way! But i'm starting to get a reputation of being easy. I just cannot say no to a fit lad! Once when I was at a party, I wasn't even that drunk, but I snogged on mate as he was leaving. Just because he asked for a 'proper kiss'. Then I ended up sitting out in the garden with another mate, having a smoke and a chat because I hadn't seen him in a while, then he kissed me and I ended up giving him head, then he left. And I had my other close friend (who's now classed as a friend with benefits) and I ended up kissing him, after he had his arm arm around me and that, then I ended up going back to his and having sex with him! I honestly am no slag! I do not go out with the intention of doing this! But i just cant stop myself! Anyone with any idea's on how i can controll myself will be a life saver!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 I've 4 suggestions for helping you with your problem: Therapy, therapy, and therapy, go make an appointment. Oops just thought of another, get yourself checked for STD's.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Thanks No1AgonyAunt,
See Ms Little Sunshine your not alone, there are other girls out there that feel the same as you.
Sex, love and intimacy is a very funny thing. Like most human relationships they can be very problematic. Some people like my friend, hate sex and think that everyone should stay virgins until the day they day. That's what he thinks and that's good for him. Other people have high sex drives and like sex a lot. They like the thrill of the chase, they like new people, that's what they like and that is good for them. There are no wrong or right answers only what feels good.
Love and intimacy are a whole different ball game. You can get love, friendship and intimacy from a man, a woman, or even a cat or a dog. No sex involved at all.
You and No1AgonyAunt are doing the same thing, and from your words, I doubt if either one of you feel embarrased or ashamed about the things you do. That's fine, no problem with that. You just got to pick your partners and the location more carefully. People just don't understand and judge you harshly because they think you should live your life by their rules. Why should you, you only got one life to live. Pick your partners carefully, make sure they treat you kind, protect yourself with a barrier form of contraception like a condom. Learn to stand up to the crowd and tell them to mind their own business cause your living your life in the way that suits you best. There's nothing wrong about liking sex or wanting to have sex with a good looking guy.
If however you feel bad about your behaviour or it leaves you feeling sad and cold, then you need to talk to somebody about your need for intimacy and the need you feel to please guys, who don't deserve the pleasure you give them. Contact Support Line http://www.supportline.org.uk/index.php and talk about the things you might have missed in your childhood that causes you to seek male company in unsuitable ways.
Whatever works for you is alright by me.... just make sure your doing what you want to do, and tell the world to go to hell. Good luck to you kid. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, No1AgonyAunt +, writes (25 June 2008):
 I know Exactly how your feeling because i have
exactly the same problem, and i know you have no intention
of doing this because neither do i.
I am not exactly ashamed of myself after ive done things i
know i shouldent and i wish it got to me more and maybe
i respected myself more.
Can i just say that i think the main problem of this
is that maybe you want attention? i think maybe i crave it
and think this is the easiest way to get this, im not trying to say this is what you are like but i think
i just want to feel wanted maybe?
Just wanted to mainly say you are not alone because i am
exactly the same =]
xx
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 Sorry, that should have read: "unfortunately being nice to guys like this doesn't necessarily raise you in their estimation."
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (25 June 2008):
Wow. Self-respect. Self-esteem. All the buzzwords come out.
Sounds to me like you have a healthy sex drive and poor willpower, that's all. This is fine, except that it's leading to a "reputation", which is a problem.
Your question is really about controlling yourself, mainly because you don't want that reputation, and understandably so.
I'm not sure how to advise you on that. For instance, when you went and sat with a guy and ended up giving him a blowjob, exactly what was going on inside your head? Was it because you were hot for cock, or because he was being nice to you and you wanted to be nice back? (From your post, the second one is the correct answer).
I think you should realise that unfortunately being nice to guys like this doesn't necessarily raise them in your estimation. Sadly, the guy is not thinking "She's giving me such nice head, she's really such a nice girl". He's more likely thinking "Wow! So easy! A girl is giving me head, just like all the other guys said she would! Great! Keep it coming, slut! And I hope my girlfriend doesn't find out". Sorry if this sounds nasty, but what I mean is, if you want these guys to have nice thoughts of you, you should find other ways to be nice to them. Try and resist the temptation to get sexual.
Not sure if this helps at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): So what if Grant's 12?
You're only my age, that's not much of a difference.
And if you don't want to come off as easy..Stop hooking up with all these guys; you say you have no intention of doing it but happens anyway.
You obviously like the attention that these boys give you and you don't want to say No, because you're afraid they won't like you anymore. How else are you supposed to explain why every guy you meet, you end up giving head or sleeping with or making out?
Sorry, but you have self-esteem issues, if you crave the male attention so much - for what? Because when you were younger you never got it?
Were you bullied as a child or something why you now have this problem?
There's nothing you can do to stop the reputation you're getting, you started it and even if you took a vow of celibacy and became a nun, people are still going to remember you as the girl who's "been around the block a couple of times" if you continue.
So sorry this isn't the answer you're looking for, but you have to live with choices you made.
Firefly gave you the best advice and I advise you actually take to heart EVERYTHING she said.
Take Care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk Grant. You do not know me well enough to say that. I have clearly said that I do not go out with the intention of doing this. There for I do not always need sex. If I did I would've had it plenty within the last week but no, I actually haven't since last weekend. I am not a nympho. I do not need sex to breath. I do not cheat on people. It's funny being told that I would by someone who say's that they are twelve on their profile??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Great Ms Little Sunshine,
It's wonderfull that you been given good advice to deal with your problems. Firefly is quiet correct when she says that you should spend more time with your girlfriends and avoid guys if you find them a temptation that you can't stay away from. Thanks for the update, I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to thank firefly, as I believe that is the best response I have got, and the only one that I do not find judgemental, or put across an air of cockyness. That is what 'agony aunts' are supposed to do after all, so thank you :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so now you're insinuating that I would lower myself to cheating on someone? I'm not that low. I'm no dumb ass. Just because I've been around the block a couple of times does not mean that I'm a two timer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, iv been in steady relationships with just the one man. I am not frightened by it, I have not said that or have not gave off the impression that I am? Now that we've got that settled. My problem with it all is that i don't like this reputation im getting of being easy. Like I have said. It's weird to explain. Hard in a way because some people actually don't understand where im coming from on the whole aspect of it. I don't like being the way I am. I just cant help it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Hi Little Miss Sunshine,
This thing about male attention. How much do you like these aquaintances of yours, do you find them handsome and sexy and you just can't resist. Do they treat you nice and kindly and you want to give them back some pleasure in return. What happens after you do these sexual things, what do the boys say, what do you feel like, do you ever have any regrets? What makes you want to act in this way? Have you ever had a boyfriend? What makes you want to give sex to aquaintances, but frightened to get into a steady relationship with only one man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): I don't understand your problem then. If your having sexual activity with a lot of different men and enjoying yourself and don't care if people call you "easy" and don't think of yourself as a slag, you have no problems, your doing nothing wrong.
You think you missed out on male attention, well your getting it now, is this the kind of male attention that you crave. Again I really can't see the problem if you have high self esteem and feel comfortable with what your doing.
You say you understand the difference between sex and friendship, but I have a difficulty understanding how a hug from a friend turns into sex, a goodbye kiss turn into a snog, and a kiss to someone you haven't seen for a while turns into oral sex. But if it feels right to you and that's how you express friendship then I suppose it's ok.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm definately not lacking in self esteem I can tell you that. And it's not really confusing sex and friendship to a Big degree. When i mentioned the above people we consider ourselve more as aquatences than friends. I've come to find the reason for it, and that is that I never really got the male attention when i was younger. But I know that's no excuse to act like some sort of tart. And I want to stop it but it's hard, it's weird to explain.
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A
female
reader, Firefly-x3 +, writes (23 June 2008):
 You crave intimacy, but you're going about getting it in all the wrong ways. Your self respect is low, therefore how can other people respect you if you don't respect yourself? That's why you're getting a reputation. Only you can change this and it's not as hard as what you believe it is. You're also putting your sexual health at risk in a BIG way. Alot of people don't even realise they're carrying anything until they get checked out. Which means, the guys you've slept with or decide to sleep with in future - could be carrying a sexual desease or infection without even knowing, and may have passed it on to you. It would be wise to get yourself checked with your GP.
You say you can't say no to these guys. Are you afraid of dis-approval? Not being liked? Are you too eager to please? Or is it simply the closeness you desire?
Ask yourself these questions and get to the bottom of why saying no seems hard to you. I'm not going to judge you or say that you're a slag because in my opinion, you're simply an insecure girl who needs her self esteem building up. My advice, avoid situations for a while in which you'll be around 'fit' guys - Arrange days out with female friends, and go clothes shopping. Get a hobbie of something you're interested in. And when your self esteem and self respect comes back - think about having a proper relationship with a guy in which you'll get the intimacy you crave, while feeling loved and respected too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Stop all sexual activity for at least a year. You seem to be lacking in self esteem and are confusing sex and friendship to a big degree.
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