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How can I be strong and stay away from him?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Faded love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2007) 11 Answers - (Newest, 8 August 2008)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

For the past 2 years i was dating a loser.

The First 6 months were heaven! after that things slowly deteriorated, in the 2nd year i knew i had to get out of this relationship.

I lost touch with my family and friends one by one who decided they hated him. He continually cut me down, got fired from all of his jobs. drugs and drinking. loser friends who all cheat on their wives/girlfriends. His car broke down. i was his cheauffer. how did it get so bad? :(

I really love him but want a bright future for myself. We broke up and made up COUNTLESS times but i need to stay strong and stay away.

I left him last week and i keep having dreams about going back to him.

Its SO HARD to adjust to being single. How can i get past this???

View related questions: broke up, drugs

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008):

all i have to say to this is, well a lot

love is harsh and even though you think your in love with someone like that, your not... a realationship is defined as "two people who love each other dearly" at least thats my definition if he really loved you, then he wouldnt have been extreamly abusive like that, and he wouldnt have hurt himself like that me, im only 19, but ive had no going out to date realathionships yet and never did till recently, never even had a first kiss, but that doesnt matter to me im looking for an emotional realationship, someone that i can open up to, and if they cant do the same, then thats not what im looking for

signs of a bad realationship

Controlling

Jelious

Cheating

self abuse

no opening up

Anger

name calling

suspiciousness

and anything else you can consider on his end

Signs of a bad realthionship on your end

Attatchment even though he has repeadityly abused you

even if he cheats 1nc and does it again, and you take him back more than once, your fault

no communication

no trust

no faith

attatchment

jeliousy

yourself cheating on him

sorry but i have to say this, any person i thier right mind if they truely loved you, would not cheat on you in the first place, they would trust you, love, you make you feel like being yourself, comfort you when your down, never call you names, always open up fully, and communicate to the best of their ability

first signs to break it off

The first cheat within 2 years

Suspecs you of cheating on him when your not

Controlling, not letting you go out with friends on your own time

Calling every five minutes like a little boy who lost thier toy and wont let it go

constant name calling

apoligizing but yet does the same thing over and over

me again i dont really know because im still searching and waiting, i generally do care about people enough to hit them with a blunt reality to try to make them realize how bad it is or isnt, and im very open, and i dont treat other people like crap, if its none of my buisness ill stay out of it unless that person is CALLING for help, im not violent and pretty much im an all around nice guy, but the reality of the fact is

you need to grow up and realize that he wasnt right for you in the first place, im sorry its harsh but its cold hard fact i saw my mother go through abuse like that for 18 years, and she finnally just realized it too late, its better to catch something like that in the first 1-2 months than it is in the later 1-2 years for the fact that the longer you spend with them, the longer you delude yourself to believing "i love him" and its not that you love him, its that you care for him enough to give him another chance, but hony there are only so many you can give before you have to realize that, he's never going to change, thus i say stuff like

If they cheat once, theyll do it again

If they call you names, they wont stop

If they arnt open, try to make them open up and if they dont, dont bother, because it will never be good

if they are controlling, have fun trying to have a life

if they dont trust you, have fun with that one

if they are all around abusive, immature, or desperate, dont even go for that or else you will regret it and if you have read this and you do it anyways, no harm intended but told ya so, most guys are horn dogs and its really hard to find a nice guy

Ways to get over something like this after youve been with him for a while

None, youll never get over it, youll slightly cheer up but youll always remember it because it was a huge chunk of your life. just be happy it didnt take marriage 18 years and an attempt to kill your children for you to realize how bad it really was.

PS: I do feel for you because ive only been hurt once, and it felt pretty bad im in love with this girl that ive known for my whole life, and she knows it, but she doesnt want to take the chance to get to know me more, and i see her dating a new guy every two to three months, granted she is 17 but i figure either she'll come around, or she will just continue till its too late, and in that case ill still be there for her and my feelings will never change but hey id rather stay alone the rest of my life, making sure she is ok, then just leaving her alone, to be hurt badly by several bad realationships.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you so much for the advice. Reading this has definately lifted my mood and made me feel empowered and proud of my smart decision.

Thanks again!

:o)

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A female reader, jeanetto07 United States +, writes (10 November 2007):

i know how you feel my boyfriend and i broke up 1 month ago he wasn't abusive or anything like that, but he never opened up, never wanted to go anywhere, always with his friends, comming home late while im home crying trying to figure out what i done to make him become so distant from me. then i realized that i didn't want to be in the relationship. we were together for two years and eight months. just remind yourself that you can do better and you will. most people miss the title BOYFRIEND or GIRLFRIEND but if you are not happy with him then move on. im learning that myself

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007):

Hey I did it! I dumped him on June 1st and sucumbed on July 16th (because he owed me money and I had to contact him and I ended up like getting back together with him for like 3 to four weeks) but it didn't last long and most of that time I was out of the country. Girl you can do it. It's like I've written a thousand times here: He was my only friend (my best friend) I was unemployed, he paid for my cell phone bill, he gave me money when I helped him to pay off my credit card bill, he understood me in every way, he was very handsome, he was my only resource to go out, I loved him... but I dumped him because I know I deserve better. Yes, I cried, I feel lonely and now I'm more indebted than ever, I don't have friends, no one to go out with, no cell phone and my life is not very pretty but I'd still never go back. The things that have given me strength are knowing that I will never be happy if I don't deal with the problems I HAVE THAT MADE ME CHOOSE SUCH AN ABUSER FOR PARTNER. Yes, when you choose and abuser as a partner you have to understand you have problems too. Probably your family abused you and you never learned to set boundaries for the people around you and don't know how to ask for respect from the beginning. Or worst your family abused you and you are saying right now: "NO they didn't they love me so much and I love them too". Notice I'm talking about ANY kind of abuse. My family's abuse towards me? Verbal.

Going to church, calling old friends, who turned out to be not so much of friends and most importantly reading self help books about manipulative men, toxic people, emotionally unavailable men.

Do what i did. Go to a library like Border's and get to the psychology books aisle and start reading and reading. It's free. You'll find such a relief when you see so many people who have been in your shoes but have made it. Then buy the ones you like the most and or don't buy them but try to serch online for more information and learn about the role you played on your last relationship and what it means. You'll see once you start seeing how cruel the idiot was and how much damage he has done to you your feelings towards him will start falling into place and you'll no longer see the relationship the same.

Each time you think about him read, read and read so you'll se it's definitely not worth it.

Read and start healing and then you'll be stronger. It doesn't matter if you still feel you love him. I still love him, but I'm in control.

Hope this helps. Take Care.

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A female reader, Fairy_Lu United Kingdom +, writes (8 November 2007):

Fairy_Lu agony auntYou know that he is not good for you, you know this relationship isnt going to work, i know its so hard to make the break and stay away for good but you know its for the best, you just have to break contact delete numbers everything a complete break, and everytime he crosses your mnd or you wake up and you miss him you say to yourself " i love me i respect me i dont need him he is a loser and i deserve better" say it till you believe it always works for me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007):

Well the fact that you acknowledge that he is a loser and that this is a bad situation for you to be in is wonderful. Clearly you know that you can do better and that this guy is no good for you. I mean most of the times on this site you have to spend your advice explaining to other posters what a piece of shit his or her lover is. But you are better off than the average poster because you already know that your situation sucks. You have accepted this. So it makes things alot easier and that is very mature of you.

So someone like you who has enough self respect to know that you can do better, are intelligent enough to know why you dated this guy to begin with. And the reason is probably not as happy and cutesy as you would think. It probably has alot more to do with you, perhaps going through a low self esteem period or something like that rather than you meeting someone who really rocked your world. Once you figure out WHY you dated him, whatever the answer is, which will most definitely have something to do with a temporary character flaw in you, then go fix your problem. And remind yourself everyday that you didn't fall inlove with this guy because he is great. YOu ONLY fell inlove with him because you had a low self esteem or were desperate or whatever it is you figure out was the reason. And reminding yourself of this will help you to stay away from him cause it might turn you off to him. And once you fix your self esteem or whatever drew you to this loser, you should be alot pickier next time you date a guy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007):

Hi I'm sorry that you are going thro this!!

Get back in touch with your family & friends (if you haven't already done so) and just admit that you made a bad choice and have seen the error of your ways!!

You will need your family and friends around you right now to help you stay strong!!! Its not easy doin it on your own. One of my friends is in the exact same situation as you!! But he has started hitting her and pushing her down the stairs and getting more physical towards her now! Like you she "loves" him but she finally found the courage to walk away and not look back!!

You need to find the courage to do that too!!! If you have the time to pack what ever you need and walk away and never look back - do it now! If not just go with whats on your back!! Trust me after been in relationship like that you will enjoy been single for a while and been yourself!!! Theres plenty out there more worthy and will respect you more than this loser!!!

Best of luck with everything x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007):

Go out and have a good time with friends. As long as you stay busy you won't have time to think about him and eventually you will completly get over him. At this time you may even find another that is worthy of having you. My motto is don't settle for second best.

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A female reader, sexi South Africa +, writes (8 November 2007):

sexi agony auntHi

There is someone out there that deserves you and would know your worth. You have to be strong, you have made it a week without him and you can continue like that. A guy needs to be doing things fpr you not the other way aroung. You deserve alot better and there is someone who is going to love and appreciate you. You really dont need the treatment you have been getting and what good do you get from that relationship? Just keep yourself busy and away from him. You would be better off.

Regards,mail me if you wanna talk

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (8 November 2007):

rcn agony auntSo he cuts you down, can't keep a job, drinks and does drugs, and what kind of future do you want to have with him. It got so bad because it was always that bad. Abusers don't being abusing the first day (usually) they wait until they have you right where they want them. You keep going back because people who are abused are drawn back to the abuser because (1) They begin believing the lies the abuser tells them, (2) You all ready know the situation, and it's easier to return to a hell you know than one you don't.

This is the way I feel about abuse, the first time its his fault, the second time its your fault for going back into it. It's not going to change. The decline and the drugs and the alcohol is who he is. Guys like this start off great, but they don't want to have to work at a relationship, so they use abuse to get you to a point where you won't go, then they can stop acting nice, and not do a damn thing.

It is hard to adjust to being single, I had to do it, but it gets easier. I've been single for 13 or 14 months now. After all these stories, and dealing with abuse and disorders on a personal local level as well. My goal is to remain from now and still be single when buried.

Give yourself more credit than being with someone who treats you this way. You don't deserve it. I'll tell you right now, if he says, "please I'll change", do not believe that. If he wanted to be with you, he would have treated you right the first time.

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A female reader, Zanza United States +, writes (8 November 2007):

Zanza agony auntHi. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. The best advice I can give you to stay away from him is (1) think about all the things that he has done to you and keep that in your head when you think about him (2) keep yourself busy all the time, this will help you keep your mind off of him. Hope this or something else workd out for you! ;)

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