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How can he go home and not feel guilty after being with me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 February 2011) 6 Answers - (Newest, 1 March 2011)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I just wonder why a man doesn't feel bad when he is cheating on his wife? I have been with a married man recently who claims he has no problems in his marriage, but he chooses to sleep with me. I know what some of you will say about me, but my question is about his feelings. How can he go home and not feel guilty? How does he even feel right about being with me? He has been married for 5 years and never thought he would do this, but now here we are. I guess I was just hoping he had a conscience about it. so what does a married man feel when he is sleeping with someone else...and why do married men do this?

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A male reader, Flashtony United Kingdom +, writes (1 March 2011):

I'm no prude.... But look at what you're doing... He does it because he can.. He obviously ha problems in his marriage and rather than deal with them or divorce he goes with you. What happens when you get married to a great guy and then discover that rather than talk problems through with you he'd rather sleep with someone who has no qualms about being the other woman. Find a single guy or one day reap what you have sown.

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A female reader, snowqueen United States +, writes (24 February 2011):

You have the freedom to be with anyone you want, he on the other hand is married. You are with him because you have feelings for him and you want to know how he feels. Is he with you because he purely wants you, or simply because he feels trapped in his marriege and is using you as an escape. Ofcourse he won't tell you he has problems in his marriege, he wants to feed you the illusion that he is perfect, nothing negative can possibly exist about him. Does he feel guilty? Does he love her ? Does he love you? I have been in your shoes, and I know all these questions are probably on your mind. There is one answer, you have more feelings for him then he does for you. Affairs don't work because there's no trust. And there never will be. There will always be lies and doubts. Having said all of that, there's also his wife... He might think what she doesn't know won't hurt her and not feel the guilt. But even though she doesn't know, its still hurting her because he has no respect for her and its probably affecting everything they do together. He will lie and lie and lie some more. But if the crap hit the fan and she found out, he would not leave her and beg her for forgiveness. Suddenly you won't mean a thing and he will only try to save his own ass. Will then he feel guilt about using you like a disposable toothbrush ? He will justify it, she knew what she was getting into. How do you justify it to yourself that you are after the unattainable illusion ? I have been there, had all these questions... I knew what I was getting into, I chose to risk getting hurt and got hurt, still hurting : ( Wonder if he feels bad. Maybe for himself. Get out of it, read all the stories on here, learn. I hope this helps. Keep us posted.

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A female reader, Eilish United Kingdom +, writes (24 February 2011):

Eilish agony auntYou both don't understand what you are doing to this poor woman. She'll be crushed when she finds out... She's human and she does have feelings. Anyway, sounds to me like he thinks hes a right stud muffin. He gets bored of his wife, comes to you. Then when he gets bored of you, he goes to his wife. Know why? Because he can. You are both always there... whenever he clicks his fingers. He might think 'hmmm i'll have my wife today and my mistress tomorrow.' He doesn't have feelings. His selfishness means he doesn't care along the way, as long as he gets what he wants. You sound the same too. You're just a booty call.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011):

he says he has no problems in his marriage? wrong. Unless he is a psychopath (and the clinical definition of that is just some one who literally cannot feel empathy) I think he's lying to himself or to you when he says he has no problems in his marriage.

He is probably just refusing to think about them or refusing to admit them. He's shoving them under the carpet or just living and thinking superficially.

His marriage is probably a wreck or else he is a wreck himself. But just hiding it and not showing it to anyone including you.

People often don't know just how messed up they really are because they lack the skills or the guts for honest introspection. It can be very painful and scary to admit that you regret marrying someone or that you actually don't want to be with them. It's easier to shove those discomforting feelings aside, play the role of a married person doing all the things that married people are supposed to do. But that doesn't change the fact that you really don't want to be with that person or you have vile feelings towards them. just ignoring problems and refusing to admit them doesn't make them doesn't make them go away. But those vile feelings towards his wife, are the feelings that make him feel OK with cheating on her.

IMO people who claim they have no problems in their marriage yet are cheating, are way more messed up than those who admit they have problems in their marriage and are also cheating.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011):

Why not? There are just as many home wreckers out there that will play along with these married men/women. Neither of the cheaters have a conscience or they wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

The answer to all your questions is the exact same. He does it for the exact same reasons you do. You want yours and you don't care who gets hurt to get it.

That's that really. He feels the exact same way you do about it and that is you both don't give a shit.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (23 February 2011):

He does it because you allow it. It's a two way thing. No, he doesn't feel guilt - at all. But you don't appear to feel guilt knowing that you're involved with a married man.

A man like this will take what he can get, where he can get it, with whoever is willing to do it. You are the women willing to do it, so for know you'll do. Then maybe one day you'll open your eyes, see him for what he is and move on. The he'll move on to another - and another.

You ask why married men do it? Not all of them do, actually. I ask why do women fall for the crap married men spew?

You ask how does a married men feel? My thoughts are nothing. At all. It's very separate.

I think you need to stop worrying about how he feels - he doesn't. Instead, start worrying about yourself. You've got to feel pretty crap about your life to have an affair with a married man, and then question his morals when your own are not so great. You need to sort your life out, fast, or you'll just appear tarnished and cheap to decent men who genuinely will care for you. Good, loyal men will not choose a cheat, or a woman who is willing to severely lower her standards.

You can either be a willing person wrecking a marriage for the sake of a man who will ditch you, or an important woman to a good guy who won't treat you or any other woman this way.

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