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female
age
18-21,
*rtistical_bumblebee
writes: i'm dating someone on the autistic spectrum i know because my dad is, sister and other members of my family so i picked up on a few things. for example my boyfriend doesn't like too many hugs. he can't cope with anyone but me drinking from his glass. certain foods he won't eat. he needs constant reassurance from me but won't give me any. he cant cope if i refuse him eye contact has random anger tantrums then acts like nothing happened and gets defensive if anyone hits on me. thing is he wants me to constantly reassure him that i don't want to be with any other guy but has never told me he doesn't want to be with any other girl. it upsets me because i feel constantly insecure. how do i tell when he needs me and misses me? how can anybody tell when an autistic person needs them?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (25 October 2009):
 Just a note of warning. Sometimes an asshole is just an asshole. It is becoming very easy to find an excuse in the form of a mental condition.
I am saying this because the other two posters so far seem to have taken your amateur assumption of mental problems and taken it for granted.
If he is truly as autistic as you seem to claim (totally incapable of showing emotion) then why has there been no formal diagnosis? If he is a functional autistic, then why isn't he function in your relationship?
There are a lot of abuse cases on this forum, and your post reads remarkably the same. Either a lot of abusers are autistics or... well I will leave it to you to fill in the rest.
A
female
reader, crazychick  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 It is very difficult. My son has Aspergers so I know the problems that occur when dealing with social situations.
People with Aspergers tend to be very 'matter of fact' about things without considering other peoples feelings.
Your best bet would be to talk to him and lay it down in black and white. Tell him how you feel, your concerns, what he wants from you, and what you want from him, maybe even write it down so you can refer back to it.
You reassure him, but get nothing in return... it's not because he doesn't care, it just wouldn't occur to him that you need reassuring too, which is why you need to tell him. Even after you've spoken, he'll probably still need prompting to do or say things. Maybe you could come up with a code... if he needs reassurance whilst you're out, maybe he could sqeeze your hand so you know he's insecure and vice versa, or if you could do with a compliment to chear you up, you could put your arm around his waist... these little actions take away the awkwardness of asking for reassurance but gives a prompt to the other person which lets them know you're not feeling good and could do with a boost.
Once you get your own system going things should click into place... and a good thing about Aspergers boys is that they like their routines so he'll stick to it!...
Good luck, I hope my suggestion helps :)
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A
female
reader, satindesire  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 You need to talk to him about this. If he has Asperger's Syndrome ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome ) then he'll always have an incredibly difficult time communicating his thoughts and feelings because in a way, he doesn't understand and 'connect' emotions the way a 'normal' person would.
Dating a person with Asperger's Syndrome is incredibly difficult because often, the love and affection that the 'normal' partner has cannot be returned in a significant way. Sometimes with medication, therapy and experience, the Autistic person can learn how to mimic the norms of a relationship, but it takes time. Since you're in the 18-21 year old range, I'm guessing that your boyfriend is in that age range as well, meaning he has not had a lot of time to practice the way he's supposed to act in a relationship.
This is what the Wikipedia article states when a person is in a relationship with an Asperger's sufferer:
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"Two traits sometimes found in AS individuals are mind-blindness (the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and alexithymia (the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in oneself or others), which reduce the ability to be empathetically attuned to others.[27][28] Alexithymia in AS functions as an independent variable relying on different neural networks than those implicated in theory of mind.[27][28] In fact, lack of Theory of Mind in AS may be a result of a lack of information available to the mind due to the operation of the alexithymic deficit.[27][28]
A second issue related to alexithymia involves the inability to identify and modulate strong emotions such as sadness or anger, which leaves the individual prone to "sudden affective outbursts such as crying or rage"[29][30][31] According to Tony Attwood, the inability to express feelings using words may also predispose the individual to use physical acts to articulate the mood and release the emotional energy.[32]
People with AS report a feeling of being unwillingly detached from the world around them. They may have difficulty finding a life partner or getting married due to poor social skills.[33] Individuals with AS will need support if they desire to make connections on a personal level.[citation needed] The complexity and inconsistency of the social world can pose an extreme challenge for individuals with AS. In the UK Asperger's is covered by the Disability Discrimination Act; those with AS who get treated badly because of it may have some redress. The first case was Hewett v Motorola 2004[34] (sometimes referred to as Hewitt) and the second was Isles v Ealing Council.[35]
The intense focus and tendency to work things out logically often grants people with AS a high level of ability in their field of interest. When these special interests coincide with a materially or socially useful task, the person with AS can lead a profitable career and a fulfilled life. The child obsessed with a specific area may succeed in employment related to that area.[36] People with AS have also served in the military. Although AS is generally a disqualifier for military service, the individual can be qualified for enlistment if he or she has not required special accommodations or treatment for the past year.[37] More research is needed on adults with AS.[38]"
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So as you can see, the only thing you can do is talk to him about your concerns. Be specific and calm, and understand that HE WILL NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND your emotions and your need for physical and verbal affection and love. Eventually he will learn to be in a dating situation with people, but like I said before, that takes time and practice. Remind him frequently and do not get angry when he cannot always 'act normally'. This boy you're with is suffering from a serious condition that affects the way he deals with everyday life in a very dramatic way. Holding his actions to the same standards as a 'normal' person is impossible.
Good luck.
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