A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts, I want to believe I'm an emotional person and like lots of love and attention. I have been married 5 years and its like my husband has stopped kissing me altogether. The last time was about 8 months back, when I initiated it and before that must have been like 2 years ago. We are intimate a lot so its not like we aren't together. He has little or no time for foreplay and usually wants to get right down to it. Have I talked to him about it? Yes. I have come to the conclusion that changing him is almost impossible. What I wanna know is how are some women out there able to cope with these sort of self-centered, self-serving and extremely selfish men?! Not to crucify him totally he has good sides. He is organized and a good father to the kids but my needs are hanging.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ladies, your replies are spot on. I have and am still weighing my options. So very Confused has given me 'good' options so to speak. Some of which I have already considered but executing isn't as easy as it seems. I have spoken to him, and don't want to do that anymore. Its just not him. As I see it, my issue still lingers and I need to do something about it like you all have pointed out. Wish me luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2011): you don't have intimacy, you only have sex. He's just using you like a live sex doll. It's insulting to you.
you can't change a selfish person. Selfish people are too wrapped up in their own inner world to give a damn about anyone else. You are just a means for them to get what they want for themselves. selfisheness goes directly against the ideals of marriage, so to be married to a selfish person means you're not in a 'real' marriage relationship-wise (but you do have all the legal strings attached to it).
your only choices are to lower your expectations to the very lowest you can possibly go (hey at least he doesn't hit you, right?), or repress your hurt in the interest of a 'greater good' (such as keeping your family together for your children), or to leave the marriage. I'm sorry that all of these choices are pretty sad. Personally I vote for leaving him because at least it creates a new opportunity for the future. The other two options don't really leave you with any recourse except to continue on as you have been. Again, selfishness violates the core ideals of marriage. He's making a mockery of marriage, and as long as you stay with him you're condoning it. Since he's only looking out for himself, you should start to look out for yourself too.
I"m sorry you're in this situation. It sucks to be in this kind of a marriage. This marriage is not a marriage relationship, it's just a business/living arrangement. you have to decide if you're OK enough with what you have to keep living this way.
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A
male
reader, mammer69  +, writes (24 December 2011):
well first Y get hooked up with a guy that doesn't satisfy your needs for the intimacy needs? I know a lot of girls that get hooked up with guys like that and then wonder Y there not getting anything. Anyway talk to him. sit him down and reason with him tell him that you need more intimacy not SEX. sex is nothing but being there for each other, holding hands, kissing, cuddling up on the couch, that is intimacy. Talk to him and explain your situation. and in worse case scenario...Cut him off. tell him when he learns to do these things you can get back into bed with you. It's taking a risk but if it works.. it works. i don't have to worry about this because I'm kinda over intimate with my girl. she thinks its cut but sometimes it gets annoying any way just try that and if it isn't working then I'm not sure what to do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 December 2011):
 My partner does not believe in much foreplay but it works for for us in that he does believe in lots of kisses and cuddles whenever we are together this includes on the couch watching tv or sleeping in bed.
you have sex a lot but you are not intimate..... intimacy is not sex in my opinion.
you are right you cannot change him.... if you have talked to him about it and he does not understand or care or want to fix this then you may have to consider living this way, leaving the marriage, getting permission from him to take a lover, or worst case cheating on the side to get the physical needs met.... (NOT that I am advocating this but I do like to offer all options for all levels of morality)
it may not be that he is selfish.... it may just be how he is wired.. and how he operates... his needs for affection may be lower than yours and he may not be comfortable upping the contact.
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