My REALLY good friend and I decided a week in advance that we would fool around at this party. I'm 23, he's 21. We've known each other for 3 years and because he has social anxiety it has taken this long to get him to open up to me. I'm his second oldest friend, and we talk about nearly everything. He confides in me about other girls and the one especially he believes he's in love with. Recently, he told her off and hasn't talked to her since. I've been in love with him for about 1.5 years, and he doesn't know. It has never been the right time to tell him, and I'm an extremely loving and patient person. Well, anyway, we went beyond fooling around at this party, we actually hooked up. While we were goofing around in bed we started talking about it and he said how he would act afterwards would largely depend on my attitude. He was afraid I would make him feel guilty for using me when in fact we used each other because we both hadn't had sex in a really long time. He said we would just be two friends helping each other out. I told him I didn't want to lose the closeness we share, and he said the only reason he would avoid me afterwards is if I made a big deal out of it. Before the initial sex and afterwards we goofed around a lot and were laughing and cracking jokes. Like he was being silly and started white boy twerking in bed, and he contorted himself in a weird position to look at me all creepy and said, "I'm going to be all clingy now." HAHA! When we were laying in bed trying to sleep I felt extremely ashamed I wasn't strong enough to hold back, the next day it seemed almost natural though. In the morning I went to wake him up for breakfast and he was smiling and giggling all tired-like and he was saying "No more sex. Are you pregnant? *giggle* We shouldn't have done that. Now I'm going to be all weird. *covers his head with a pillow*." I ask him how he's going to be weird. I straddle him and hit him with a pillow playfully. He says, "*giggling* When I go back to school I'm going to not text you and delete you from Facebook." I asked "Really?" And he started laughing harder and said, "No! I wouldn't do that. If I was going to do that I wouldn't be telling you and I wouldn't be laughing." Then we went to IHop for breakfast and he kept staring at me for some reason. Him and my friends and I were all able to crack jokes about our time together because that's what we agreed to do, make jokes and not make things awkward. After that we went back to my friends apartment and watched movies for the rest of the day after cleaning up. We were still laughing and talking like normal. We cooked some chinese food together. There were times he would be laying on the couch and hump the air and wiggle his eyebrows at me jokingly. I tried giving him a foot massage, but I didn't know what I was doing so I just cracked his back for him. We didn't cuddle or anything when my other friend fell asleep. I figured that would be too clingy if I tried doing that so I refrained. Then... for some reason he showed me a text he received from this girl he used to like a lot it said "I miss you." I just said "Awe, that's cute," and pretended I didn't care - which I'm pretty good at. He texted her back a few times. At the end of the day my friend drove us home and I was so worried he wouldn't text me, but almost immediately after dropping him off he texted me saying he was excited about getting Dairy Queen. (More junkfood.) I apologized for having my phone on silent (we turned them off for 'bedtime') and he jokingly replies, "Oh, well I wonder why." We said goodnight after that and haven't spoken since, but we are making plans to go to this Rennaisance Faire when he comes home from vacation. Thought I'd give us both a few days space before texting him like normal. Him and I have gotten extremely close this summer. We stayed up all night a couple weeks ago until the sun came up just talking about life and love and everything in between. I was just wondering if things seemed like they were going to be okay between him and I? I told a couple of really close friends about it and they all said yes, everything is going to be alright between us. I just want a few unbiased opinions. My anxiety is killing me right now. Him and I are so much alike, but I still wonder what he's thinking. All opinions will be appreciated. Thanks!
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reader, janniepeg + ♥, writes (6 August 2013):Exchanging I love you's are dangerous. Always remember that he is only saying it so you believe there is more going on and you won't look for other guys. The friendship can be normal if you can accept it but don't kid yourself, you do want more than friendship. The moment you goofed around you are no longer friends. As long as you can keep it fun and games he will be up for it. But when it comes to him looking at other girls you don't have a say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013):This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. We actually do tell each other "I love you." And he has said "I love you and need you in my life." But I know he's only saying it in the friend way. We texted today somewhat briefly joking around about normal stuff too. So, can the friendship go back to normal?
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reader, janniepeg + ♥, writes (6 August 2013):It looks like you have anxiety too, so you are in a very vulnerable position when you have feelings for him and he doesn't. This difference makes it an unequal relationship. And because he doesn't have feelings for you, he will be fine while you won't. If he really respects you as a friend he will not have sex with you. Once your needs for sex is satisfied he will just be a cool friend, searching for another girlfriend while you will be pining for him hoping he will catch on feelings and be your boyfriend. The one you have to worry about is you. He will be affected when his friend feels the pain of rejection but the loss is yours.
He feels safe with you because he is not investing feelings, but rather just to pass the time with you. When you are hoping for something more you are no longer just helping each other out.
You feel the anxiety because you know this stage of "helping each other out" has an expiration date. You are hanging on to the sweet moments for as long as possible. I think if you pull back first then you hold your dignity by the time he feels that sex becomes a chore and a responsibility for your feelings.
Holding back feelings is not considered a strength but rather it is based on the fear that he will end things sooner when feelings create a big deal. You don't have to say anything and he can sense the tension, the impatience. It is not about forcing yourselves into friend mode while feelings get bottled up. People are not stupid, they can pick up on it. Although jerks can play you as long as you let them. Some guys thrive on emotional girls, their jealousy and insecurity and leading them on. If he is a nice guy he shouldn't do that.
When you decide you can't hold back and tell him about your feelings, it is to spare your hurt, that you can't continue this anymore. You should not do this to see if he has feelings too, but to have closure on this futile affair which is not really to your benefit.
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