A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So here's the thing.I've been with my beautiful girlfriend for 18 months now. For the first 10 months everything was fine, great in fact. We fell deeply in love. She worshipped the ground I walked on.When we weren't together, she'd ring and text all the time and tell me how much she missed me and how much she loved me.We planned our future together, even talked about marriage further down the line. We planned to see the world together. We had a great, healthy sex life.Now, things are different. I know all about honeymoon periods... and I know this time we spent together was ours.I guess things have 'levelled out' now. She doesn't call at all when we're apart (on holiday from uni for a few weeks at the mo- we're mature students at uni together) and we only text once or twice a day.We no longer plan to do things together, although she has plans to go to lots of places on her own.To cut a long story short- she still wants to be in a relationship with me, but it would seem a much more watered down version. I guess this was always inevitable... but my problem is, I can't get over those first 10 months we had together. I've always been a strong person but now, whenever I think about how we used to be together, about how crazy she was about me, I get so upset, to the point of tears. I'm welling up just writing this.I've talked to her about it and she says that this is normal, that of course our relationship would peak and then continue but less intense.This is my first, serious, proper relationship. And I know it sounds so shallow but my first relationship with such an attractive girl, inside and out. I've had relationships before but nothing I've been particularly bothered about. But with my girlfriend now, I let myself be consumed by the love she gave me.I know its still there in a way. She no longer tells me she loves me. There is still affection there, but much less.Anyway, I'm rambling...!I want this relationship to work but how can I get over how good things were before??I've got my own friends and interests but I'd always rather spend time with her, go away with her, or whatever. I still do. She used to be like that about me but now she is not.She's told me that me hankering, pining for the past isn't helpful and I do agree with her.How do I get over it??! Are there any useful books or websites I can try? Do I need counselling?I never used to really cry at anything but now sometimes even looking at something she gave me back when things were so good makes me weep.Feeling like this clearly is having an adverse effect on our relationship. I have talked to her about it and she understands but doesn't want to go back to the intesity of things before. She says she does want to do things with me, have adventures, but she's making plans to do lots of things, nothing of which involves me.So yeah, I need to pull myself together and get over all this and move on and be happy.I just don't know how.Please help if you can.Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Hi there, i agree with the previous comment that was made. She doesnt seem to feel as intensly as you do anymore. It happens. It happend to me. Your not going to want to hear that because you love her deeply but she is looking for experiences outside of your relationship. Not a good sign. I do hope you can sort it out. Whatever happens just remember to take care of yourself. Goodluck hun!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I guess i'm in the same boat as well almost, although i havn't spoken to him about it. I feel we were rushed into it by mutual 'friends'. i loved the chase and guessing and starting it all up etc. but they cut it all short and caused us a lot of stress.
i'm not sure how u get over it... i dont even know if you do. although i'm still very much in love with him and he does act very loving most of the time.. the spark just isnt there. I guess you just need to star appreciating everything they do NOW for you.
start counting everything they do thats nice and think, they find it hard to be that way now, so if she is doing this nice thing for me, it means a lot that she is trying.
Make new nice memories. maybe keep a diary i think? whenever she says something nice to you or do like how she does something, write it down. So when you get sad you can read your book and think of all the nice current things she does to you to make you feel special.
If you do find a way that works, please come back and give an updated post, help a lot more of us out!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Thanks for the advice there. Its good to hear that you and your husband are so content.
However, all couples are different, as we all know.
I'm sure she wants to stay with me and of course I do with her.
I just need help and advice on how to get over the loss that I feel when I think about our first months together.
As I've never been through anything like this, I'm just not sure how to handle it.
All I want is to stop feeling upset and pining for the past...
Thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): It doesn't sound like to me that she is madly in love with you like you are her. Doesn't sound like she really plans on anything longterm with you if she doesnt want to be intense with you anymore and shes making plans without you. Thats not how it works. Maybe you should look for someone who wants that intense love that you had all the time. My husband and I have been intense since the moment we met. We met May 2007, got engaged december 2007, married october 31, 2008 and we are both still as madly in love with each other as we were from the beginning. I would have to say more. We call each other at least 3 times a day from work and he sends me emails. We do not make any plans without the other. I want to experience my life with him, not without him just as he does with me. Maybe you should talk with your girlfriend about what she wants in the future with you.
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