A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I am a 23 year old woman that needs help. My boyfriend is 44 and I love him very much. The only problem is that he is married and has been for about 15 years. I know now that he plans not to leave his wife and his wife and I both know about each other, sometimes we even take trips together. I don't know if a relationship like this can last or be very healthy for any of us. What should I do? Has there ever been a successful relationship like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): I am the wife. . . my husband is having an affair with a woman at work, she sees him twice a week outside of work hours, they go out and have been having some kind of relationship for the past 8 / 9 weeks (we have been together for 13 years). I have spoken to her, met with her and have an understanding of their relationship. He has moved some of his clothes out of our family home, yet he continues to return "home" 4 or 5 times a week. He is getting fun, sex and no responsibility from this other woman, however he needs the support, love and security from me, his wife and partner of 13 years. I am not a jealous person, I am very hurt and find the whole set up painful, I am now putting in boundaries, not talking to him other than about the children, not texting, not going on any more 'dates'(we have been having a fantastic social and sex life since he met this woman, we are closer than we've been for a long time!!! ALTHOUGH HE IS TELLING THE OTHER WOMAN THAT HE IS GETTING NONE OF THIS FROM ME!!!) My pulling away is making him follow me, he is texting, calling and wanting to be at home with me and the children. He is seeking attention from me, wanting to be involved in our home and family and take on responsibilities. I asked what the other woman thinks about all of this, he said she doesn't like it.I believe that men have the need for women to be fun, sexy, exciting, supportive, nurturing, caring, loving and provide for both them and their family. I have found in recent weeks however that all of these things can come from different women... I am feeling cake...eating it...and...choosing when all fit into a sentence here and that it is up to the women in their lives to be strong and put in boundaries. I do not want to share my husband and i know that the other woman doesn't either... maybe it is ultimatum time! I feel that we as women should be strong and supportive of one another. I want love, adoration, committment and respect from my husband and am no longer going to put up with less. Think about whether you are prepared to share this man, to have the left overs, have the fun but not the commitmnet... Are you not worth more than that?I know I am!!Good Luck!!
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (28 November 2007):
 Hi,
It is certainly fine for your boyfriend. And the acceptance of his wife might just be because he doesnt bug her for sex anymore ( I assume he tells you they have no sex life )it is strange though as I imagine a lot of woman in these situations wouldn't want to meet the woman who sleeps with their husband.
But what's in it for you? You are 23, do you ever want to have a relationship with a man where you live together, share dreams, make plans for the future? Do you ever want to have a family?
It looks like you have the rotten deal here, I would get out of this if I were you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 November 2007):
 Dear poster, this relationship is unhealthy for all three of you.
Even if his wife knows and puts up with it, this is called cheating. You are harming a person who has done you no wrong. Perhaps you'd see it more easily if you put yourself in the shoes of the wife.
You need a word for him, but I don't think "boyfriend" is the right one. Your "man" is 21 years older than you. He could be your father, and now you know he isn't intending to leave his wife. Don't waste your time with him anymore. Don't keep on hurting this wife.
Relationships like the one you describe have always existed, and maybe they will continue to exist. But, I don't think that their being "stable" means they are successful.
Maybe this relationship is enough for you at the moment. What will happen in, say, ten years, when you want to have children? What can you expect from him, since he's told you he won't leave his wife?
It is always useful to consider things from different angles. The usual angle about cheating is, you're hurting another person. But, I beg you to see it this way now: you are doing yourself a lot of harm by letting him keep you as a mistress. You deserve a lot better. Why would you have to settle for a man who won't give you what you deserve, when, particularly at your age, you can have a man who will love you?
My advice is, leave the relationship.
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