A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm seeing a man who is much older than myself, and i can't stop feeling upset because he told me that he had a couple of one night stands when he was younger. He had relationships as well, but for some reason, it really bothers me that he had one night stands. I know i probably shouldn't feel upset, as i didn't know him then, but i think it's wrong to use people by only being with them for one night . I've been seeing him for four months now.I wish he hadn't told me about them, as it has really upset me. How can i stop feeling bad about this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2012): Too bad it's so politically incorrect for some people to date the kind of person they feel comfortable and right with. The OP will not have much fun asking every man she dates if they have had ONS's in the past.
And let's not even go into the major bashing that a guy gets for asking women that question, even when he has lived exactly the same way himself and is asking the question respectfully.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2012): Why would it bother you most guys have one night stands at some point and this was before he even met you. Your values do not match his so if its a dealbreaker finish it.
You will have to ask any future guys if they have had one nighters before you get involved, so it doesnt happen again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2012): It bothers you because you had an image of him in your head that wasn't true. Now you know the truth and can make an informed decision.
Do you accept him for what he is and what he's done or would you prefer to date someone else?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): He shouldn't have to apologize to anyone else for his moral values about sex . . . and neither should you.
His sexual values don't match yours and there is fine. Neither of you is wrong, its just an incompatibility between you and him. Either you accept it or break up, nothing else you can do.
There are LOTS of other guys out there who wish they could find a woman who feels like you do about it. I suggest you find one of them.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 May 2012):
People do a lot of things when they’re young that they regret or wouldn’t do now. We all grow up, evolve, change our minds, our attitudes and behaviours with time. Have you never done something you later wished you hadn’t, or made a bad decision in life?
It sounds like your man was trying to be honest, and although what you’ve learned has upset you, that is reassuring. Remember that nobody’s perfect. It’s okay to disapprove of things that he might have done in the past, but you need to form your judgement on the basis of the man he is today. You can’t make yourself feel differently just because it would be easier not to disagree with his past actions, but if he is faithful and committed now you need to keep in mind that these past actions do not reflect the character of the man he is today, the man you fell in love with. Don’t let the mistakes of youth spoil the relationship.
I wish you all the very best.
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