A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is there anything I can do to make this situation different?Husband and I separated about 7 months ago and have a 2 year old together. When he left, our custody agreement was to switch every week. That never happened for various reasons. A few months ago, we decided that our child would spend 3 weekends a month with his Dad, and I sent him an email with all the dates stating that if there were any problems, to let me know ASAP.Things were mostly smooth sailing until this weekend when ex "forgot" he is supposed to have child and "can't" take him now because he already "made plans" (he is going to be watching a fighting match with a friend)I made plans as well. How is it my problem that he forgot he's supposed to have our child and now his plans cannot be cancelled?This bugs me tremendously for a few reasons. 1. Ex lives about 20 minutes from me. He could see his child every day technically if he wanted to, and I've been open to that. Not only was he SCHEDULED to take his child this weekend, but now he says he forgot and isn't going to because he has plans. Why doesn't he care more about his child? I feel so bad for him growing up with a father like this. 2. I can never make any plans to go out or do anything, without fear of him cancelling for whatever reason at the last minute.Please help-I find myself hating this man more and more every day. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 March 2013):
 You have some options, I think.
Go back and file for full custody, adding child support. I hope you have an attorney you've been working with, and that you've been keeping a log of the missed visits.
Parents who are going out for an evening hire babysitters, sounds like it's time to get some lined up and on call until you have full custody.
Odd that he would 'forget' a weekend, so from now on, send daily emails, texts AND letters to confirm the schedule.
Add a penalty to canceling his visitation as in, if he doesn't take the child, he has to pay 2x standard babysitting rates to you.
Bottom line is you go in with your attorney and get the best situation organized for your child.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (15 March 2013):
 Unfortunately, it sounds like your ex has a new woman in the wings.... at least that would be my guess as to why he is dodging his duties with his child. He could also be doing it to mess with you and make sure YOU don't meet anyone new as well. This is his way of making you miserable.
There is no legal remedy here... your ex is allowed to ditch his responsibilities to his child. It isn't against the law to be a lousy dad. Sadly, that is a fact of life and many men, once the relationship fades, also check out of raising their children, especially if it interferes with their ability to chase skirts on a Saturday night.
You do have a right to be frustrated with your ex. He is playing games at the expense of you and his child. Unfortunately, his child will take the emotional brunt of it, as he will feel like a burden to both you AND him. Reading between the lines of your post, you are treating your child like a burden and he will pick up on it and grow to resent BOTH of you.
The only other solution to this is that if you need to go out and have some free time, find a baby sitter or family member to care for your child for a few hours. But do remember, never, ever let your son feel like a burden. That emotional damage can last a lifetime.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2013):
 If you have not had written legal child support and visitation spelled out, now is the time to do it.
Having a 2 year old when you are daddy is HARD... they tend to scream for mommy a lot.
Him having the child 3 weekends out of the month may be excessive for a man who is trying to put his life as a single dad back together.
Perhaps you can set up dinner one or two nights a week with dad and son and maybe every other weekend visitation NOT subject to changes
but I can tell you based on this behavior already, you should not be surprised if he skips lots of visitations as the years go on.
Legal advice is important here... if he has the child more than 50% of the time then it may impact on child support.
OTHER than that child support does not have anything to do with visitation
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): This kind of thing happens on a regular basis when children are due to go for weekends. I am in a marriage whereby my husband has his on every other weekend. Often the mother will ask us to take him at short notice because she has to 'work' or she basically wants time alone with the boyfriend. We stick to the schedule. It makes me boiling mad but there is nothing you can do if your ex changes things because the child lives with you so he knows that you are just not going to abandon the child. The only way you my be able to get back at him is financially possibly via the CSA as you will be able to prove you have him for more nights then you agreed so he will have to pay more. Obviously this does not answer the question of him letting you down when he feels like it. It is not right but all I can say is that you are not alone on this one - it happens all the time so perhaps if you accept this it might be easier to deal with. Obviously voice your displeasure and tell your ex to keep to the schedule but I do know from experience that what ever you may plan or do if you are the one who has the child living with you then f the other party wants too do some thing else then you will be let down and you will have to cancel what ever you have planned. Perhaps if he is only 20 mins away he could have him during the week if he is unreliable about weekends but that is not alway fair as you need a bit of free time too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): Your ex sounds like a selfish person who should never have become a father because he is just too selfish for parenthood.I understand you want your kid to have a good father but truth is she doesn't have one. The only biological father she will ever have, is a selfish person who has no business being a parent. You cannot make someone change into something they are not. And unfortunately you just have to accept that you picked a very bad choice of father for your child.Just let him go and do his thing since he has no interest in his child you cant force him to pretend he does. Just concentrate on being a good mother to her and cultivating other good and WILLING (very important is to be willing) father figures in her life like her grandfathers, uncles, cousins, family friends, and so on. In the future if you remarry a good man then she will have a step father who may be more of a real father to her than your ex. In other words don't make this all about your ex. A biological father isn't the be all and end all. He has made clear where he stands so leave him to it. Consider him just the sperm donor but do make sure he pays child support.
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