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*arie33
writes: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. Both of us are seperated, and are working on the divorces, for me it is an issue of money for an attorney and disputing over custody with my ex, while I am trying to support my self and two kids.He has had his own issues and now the have their papers filed. His wife does not want me to meet his kids until after the divorce and their court date isn't even until August. He has told her a few times he was going to interduce them to me and she gets very upset. He has known my two children now for over a year, we have included them in many activities and my kids have come to like him. I am bothered that I have not met his kids yet and got to see that part of his life. I told him I felt that he must not consider me to be a serious girlfriend but someone to have fun with, and he says that is not the case. He is giving his ex all she can and will get financially and so I don't see why he worried about her having such a problem with how she will react. He has said through out there marriage she would always try to control him, and I see this as her last way of doing so. She says it is goes against her morals for anyone to date until they are legally divorced, so she doesn't want the kids to meet me yet. He tells me he would love for me to meet his kids, that he wont wait until August but when the time is right she seems more ready and that he thinks the kids would be fine with it, that it is her. Well am I terrible to think that she needs to accept it,and he should introduce me if the kids are ok with it, and he is?
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female
reader, mummamia  +, writes (18 April 2009):
It's like this... There should be respect for the children. This means not dating their mother or father until the divorce is finalised. Sound's tough, but in the long run you will have the respect from your partner and his children. There are many single people out there that you can date. How about having the respect for the sanctity of marriage, no matter what the reason is that a couple are divorcing. The reason is irrelevant.
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reader, anna marks  +, writes (2 July 2008):
I am in the same situation. I am not allowed to be around my fiances kids. She doesn't even let him see his kids without her there. We have lawyers on it now so soon we will see her go down. i can't wait. Her jealous lies only hurt the kids. All you can do is wait until karma takes a roll. Everyone gets what they deserve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): Look at the bigger picture. If the x is not interferring in any other way in your relationship, then it probably isn't a control thing. Would you want your son/daughter to be overheard telling one of their friends that, "I stayed the weekend with my daddy and his girlfriend. My mommy and daddy should be divorced some day!!" I mean that is way out there. Will that boy think that it is acceptable to have a wife and a girlfriend at the same time when he is older? Why the rush? If your relationship is good and longterm, then discuss slow and easy introductions that are brief and expand over time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): Mmm, the "ex", I know about this all too well. infact I have been with my partner for three years and his divorce will be finalised in august, I cant wait! Believe me the ex will stop at nothing to ruin what you have. My partner was pressured to marry at a young age because they had one child and now they have three! He did and still does care for her deeply, she is the mother of his kids. His children are gorgeous and I love them so. The thing about my relationship is that I knew the entire family before their marriage ended and I spent time with the kids. I have been painted a the 'whore' that destroyed their marriage. In some ways maybe I was to blame, I guess everyone played their own part in it, including his parents that practically forced the marriage. After three years though, we are still very happy, but the 'ex' is bitter, she claims to be sleeping with him, then claims she doesn’t want him, then calls him crying, then after a few weeks when that fails to get his attention, she calls me… screaming that I will never be a part of "her kids lives."I feel sorry for my step-children as they have to put up with all the bickering and their mum tells them way too much, things you should not discuss with kids. She tells them about the past and your dad did this and your dad did that and your dad buys your love and your dad is mean and so on. This pattern I think will go on, until she either finds someone or makes my partner miserable.The kids, my dear are definitely her way to control things, I am and have been in this situation for some time now. At one point my step daughter went home and said mummy look what dads g/f bought me, the present was thrown in the bin! I understand she is insecure, but because of that my step kids are the ones that suffer, they walk on eggs, they can and cant say this, they try not to upset their mum and it pisses me off, coz they are the kids!Anyway there is not much I can do, just see them when I can and accept it when I cant, after three years the 'ex' is still slagging me off to anyone who has 2 mins to spare. I personally think its pathetic. I have made myself clear that I don’t wish to replace her, I am not going to try and turn her children against her and will have my own someday. His family that chose to play her silly pick and chose games I don’t speak to and will not speak to ever. Things get harder as the years go on, but sometimes it is worth it, I love my partner and could not be happier. My step son, he is gorgeous and even behaves like I am his g/f sometimes and not his dads, its very amusing, we go shopping together, but the strange thing is the kids ask to see me, ask to come to my house and so on, but they say please don’t tell mommy, I think this is due to fear. Not only is she using the kids as ammunition, she tries to make the kids feel guilty and obviously gives them a reason to hide stuff from mommy at a young age. This is not healthy for them.My advice to you, is sit down and talk to him, she cannot control your lives forever, but be careful because sometimes it’s the kids that get hurt, sometimes it is their decision not to see you and their dad doesn’t know how to tell you or sometimes they don’t have a choice, kids will be kids and they always feel the need to please mommy, there are a lot of maybes, but if the kids are old enough, just suggest to your b/f that he sits down and has a talk with them, a general chat, he doesn’t need to be specific, but I found this help us.My partner sat the kids down and explained what was happening with mommy and daddy, that they weren't going to be together anymore, that he still loved them and he explained to them that mommy and daddy might meet new people and they didn’t have to like them only be polite and give them a chance, and they could tell him how they felt and he would not get angry. Its only a suggestion, he thinks they are ready, but maybe he needs to prepare them to see how they feel… Talk to him and suggest he tries this, he either will or wont. Then again everything depends on age. You've been together this long, talk to each other openly it is healthy for your relationship…Not all woman are as bad as this one though. I guess it all just depends on a lot of things. But there is a lot of advice, take the one which you feel is best for your situation.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): I understand what you are going through, as Im going through a very similar situation. I've been dating my bf for a year now, and he is waiting til his divorce is final next month. He has been separated from his wife for 4 months, and they've already filed and consented to the divorce. But when it comes time for him to spend his days with his kids, its usally one day a week on a day that his wife picks, and times she picks and she is always late. When she is on her way , he always makes sure im gone before she gets there because she will freak out, even though she knows we are still together and she is the one who filed for divorce. I have yet to meet his kids, either, i only see pictures on them and listen to the wonderful things he says about them. He says that I will meet his kids, but they are so young, they are having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. I understand that and I don't want to make things harder for him or his children, but its like he cares more about his wife freaking out then he does my feelings about it and we talk about it every week when its his day to see his kids. SO i guess i'll give you the same advice im taking, be patient. If he loves you, like mine says he does, then everything will work out. Be supportive, caring, undertanding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): I went through this exact same situation and completely understand how you feel.
My now husband was separated and getting divorced from his wife who insisted that I not see the children until the divorce was final. He and I were friends long before he separated and I already knew the children. I know that her demands were for many reasons: fear of the children liking someone new, punishing her soon-to-be ex, and trying to maintain some kind of control during a difficult time. Although it was not easy we went along with her demands largely because we were afraid of his losing parenting time if we did not comply. This went on for over a YEAR and A HALF. I was secure in his love and I knew he wanted to share his kids with me, but couldn't. Once the divorce was finalized, I started seeing the kids - BUT NOT as his girlfriend (which believe me was hard because we had been together for so long - but not in their eyes). So we met for a movie, played putt-putt golf etc. here and there as friends and then slowly (in their eyes) became closer.
I must tell - I am so GRATEFUL to his ex now. Because she forced us to take it slow, I now have an EXCELLENT relationship with my stepdaughters. They were my maids of honor and I also "married" them as well when I married their dad. We all celebrate our "anniversary" together and just the other night I told my youngest how I don't consider a "step" daughter - to me she is my daughter and my dream come true because I always wanted kids. Her response was "And I always wanted a mom like you too".
The ironic twist is that my husband's ex is now dating a man who is not divorced yet. Her rules have suddenly shifted and it is perfectly ok for her to date this man and have him around the kids. Unfortunately it is not okay with the kids - they are having a very difficult time with it. Even though we hated to keep our relationship from the kids for so long, we know it was the best are now in her shoes (ie -trying to convince his ex to keep the boyfriend's time with the kids to a minimum - it is too late trying to keep him from seeing the kids- and let the kids adjust at thier pace not one forced on them by adult desires)
So my message to you is - I know it is tough. You love this man and you want to love and get to know his children. Trust that he loves you too and is not being shady. He is in a difficult spot - trying to keep peace with his soon-to-be ex and his new love. Going along with the ex (reducing her fears of being threatened as their mother etc) although not easy will pay off huge in the end for you and the kids. If you can all get along before and after the divorce, the kids will be so much happier and isn't that what really matters most. The time will come and it will be great, perhaps even better than you could have ever imagined because you waited and let the children slowly adjust. Just be patient.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): I know where you are coming from completely!! My boyf has expressed a desire for me to meet his children, and i feel that whilst I haven't i'm missing out on a huge chunk of the man he is. His ex says she doesn't want me to, 'she already has my husband' is her reply. As she has residential custody and has been (i think overly) friendly since he left her, he doesn't want to do anything to upset her and cause a bad situation for his children. Whilst i respect his thinking, his children are very young and i believe wouldn't object to 'a friend of daddys' meeting up to play frisbee.
The fact that you've been dating so long without meeting them would make me extremely paranoid as to how serious he takes this relationship and whether it can really survive if he puts her emotional needs ahead of your relationship. When my own parents divorced it was the fear of the unknown that made me unsure of meeting their new partners, however we were made to meet them from an early stage and i believe taking the option out of our immature heads eased the transition from a nucleated family to two seperate ones.
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reader, liza +, writes (23 February 2006):
This is a terrible situation. I just think it's messy.I was in a similiar position and we broke up. Now he is thinking of going back to his ex just for the sake of the kids. Like you, i waited and waited. I think you need to talk to him and tell him or things might just go downwards. Ex wifes or soon to be wifes plays a huge role and just be careful. I won't say it wont work but it takes a lot of commitments from both sides if not this relationship will crumble.Just tell him how you feel and try and arrange a chance meeting.That might be better and your bf should intoduce you just as a friend and not gf...they will freak out then slowly move in from there.Ah..this is too much pain while i'm telling you this maybe because i love my ex bf as well but can't have him..
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2006): I am living the exact same situation, except I am the mom. Please understand, weekend dads sometimes become play toys and depending on the children's ages, they may do or say anything to please their dad and present a much different story to mom. Young children are vulnerable and confused and need to fear secure. My children are fearful that if they do not please their dad and say the things he wants them to say, he may go away. For me, I wish my ex and his girlfriend the best of luck, he and I were never meant to be. For my kids, this is traumatic and they feel like dad left them for another family and have verbalized their desire not to meet the girlfriend or her children, despite what their dad thinks. They need to be ready psychologically, it doesn't happen quickly. Please try to think of the children versus beating up on the mom. It's really not about the adults.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2005): Please understand...I know you want to meet the kids, and I think it's 100% reasonable and very important. Their mom is not right, but being a mom, I can sympathize with her that it is VERY painful and frightening to have her kids meet you. She has lost her husband, and even if she drove him away she is probably hurt and scared that her kids will like you better too. Personally, I would rather die than see my little girl have another mother-figure. She is the most important thing in my world. It seems unreasonable, but sometimes love is that way.
I'm sure you're a wonderful person (you've been very patient) and that probably scares her.
If you must wait, then you must. But I would talk to your boyfriend and explain how important your relationship with his kids will be to the success of your relationship with him. You have to agree on groundrules for your home together and define what your role with his kids will be. (If you're alone with them, are you allowed to enforce the house-rules???)
I wish you the best of luck...hang in there and stay strong and define yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): Waiting until the divorce is over is a perfectly reasonable request. Don't take it personally and enjoy the time you have together without the kids around. If you guys are meant to be there will be plenty of time for family life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): well, if I were you, I would be patient and I would try not be angry with my boyfriend because it is a normal situation for the children. I think that your boyfriend should speak with his ex wife and to reason with her that she would let to see you the children because some day they life with your father and you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2005): It sounds like you have been dating for along time and I understand why you may be upset. If he has tried to introduce you and she has stopped it it does sound like she may be trying to control the one last thing she can. It is not good for anyone to use their children to punish there ex. It doesn't sound like you are just some casual girl friend in his life and after a year and a half I would also wonder what was going on especially if he thinks his kids would be ok but his ex is the one stopping it because of, "her morals". Unfortunetly if he does just introduce you to his kids she may freak out and make it harder on everyone but this may even happen after the divorce if it is just a matter of control. It sounds like she has not let go and she needs to move on. You can't control what happens, have a right to be upset and move on if you need to, you just can't force the issue that is all uppto him, he has to deal with her for the rest of his life. When and if he is ready to get serious with you, he will make it happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2005): This is not an uncommon problem with couples who are trying to blend families together. His ex-wife could be behaving spitefully but then again, she could be thinking of the emotional well-being of her children. Depending on their age, introducing kids to the new person in one's life for the first time, can often be a very stressful event for everyone involved and requires a lot of preparation. Remember, just because your kids adjusted well to him, it doesn't mean his kids will do the same. So, slow down and be patient. If they both have agreed to wait until 'after' the divorce then please respect his and her wishes. The emotional well-being of their kids is their first priority and you are taking this way too personally. This is just not all about 'you', hun-so do not take it as an personal affront against you. So get a check on how you are behaving. You shouldn't feel jealous and left out. That's rather immature, self-serving behaviour and it might tell your bf some very telling character traits about you. So best to watch that.
I believe in the credo that later is better than sooner. This mother has to be sure her children are ready--and Mother's know their kids best. It could be his kids are not ready to meet you. The kids may still be hoping he and his ex will get back together. A lot of kids 'dream of this" when a divorce devastates their lives. Your bf should take the time to prepare his children. When the time comes, he needs to tell them he wants them to meet someone very special and he shouldn't tell them how they're should feel about you. Be prepared to realize they may not like you right away-or they could absolutely adore you. One doesn't know. When you do meet them someday, don't expect perfect behavior from everyone-including yourself. His kids may be anything from angelic to horrible and snotty and everything in between. Your bf could be tense, especially if everyone isn't getting along well enough soon enough. Just make sure not to get your expectations too high. No matter how much you want it to happen, you and his kids may or may not be instant best friends. The purpose of this first meeting is simply to have them get to know each other a little bit. Good friendships take a long time to develop.
So just relax and don't complain about this to him. Just say to him, "when your kids are ready, I'm willing to meet them". In the meantime, your patience and love is the best thing you can do to support your bf through the difficult time of a divorce. Take care and I wish you both the best of luck, dear.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2005): My best friends case is so identical to this you actualy may well be his dads girlfriend. My best friend is 16 and he has made his mind up already and so have his two brothers that they want nothing to do with their dads girlfriend.This is a fair enough decision to make as they are closer to their mother than they are their dad and as they have a huge resentment for their dads girlfriend as they see her as the person that split up their family then meeting them will no be the experience you expect.Kids are not items that can be swapped, it is up to the children to make the decision to meet you or not, they cannot be forced either way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2005): well my dear. this is just my opinion really. this lady is trying to create problems for u guys. she has no basis for saying u shouldnt meet his kids. but pls dont let her come in between u and ur bf.talk to him about it but dont make it an issue or nag about it if he still wants u to wait. the choice is his really and unfortunately his ex. try to show him that u care bout him and also u would like to be in his kids life dont rubbed too much in. u dserve every happiness and she is probably just jealous.wishing u the best and try and be patient for it all to work well, and not to drive a wedge between ur bf and u that's what u need now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2005): i think he's ex wife should but out of it it's he's kids also and if he wants u to meet them then u should and the ex wife shouldn't put into it
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2005): b snikey n c den anywayz
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