A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'd love some advice please as I'm heartbroken and confused right now. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. After a year together, he broke up with me because he said he wanted to be single and go travelling. I was devastated but tried to get on with things. After a week, he started contacting me again saying that he had made a huge mistake and he wanted me back. I still loved him but didn't want to rush back in so I made sure we talked in depth about all of the issues he had and whether he was over them or not.So 3 years have passed since then and I thought things had been going great, but I found out today that the reason he ended things with me was that his ex had become single again at that time and he was actively trying to get her back. She didn't want him so he came crawling back to me.Now I know it was years ago and I'm trying my best to focus on what we have now, but I feel sick about this. Not only was I second choice without even realising it, but he also lied to me about his reasons for ending it and about everything he said during our 'getting back together' conversations. I just feel like our whole relationship has been based on one big lie and I'm finding myself doubting everything he has told me. We were talking about moving in but I'm totally thrown now. He doesn't know I know this yet either as he's working tonight but I'll discuss it with him tomorrow.What would you do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): Hi I'm the OP. Thanks everyone, you're basically all backing up how I've been feeling so far. I don't think he would want her back now because they don't speak anymore, whereas they used to be in regular contact for the first year we were together then for around 6 months after our break. But no I can't be sure and I never will be able to. It also worries me that he could be looking for something better as someone said. A few of my friends have said I shouldn't be upset because he obviously loves me now, and part of me does agree with that, because there has been a definite shift in our relationship over the last 2 years, but I don't think I'll ever be able to get over the fact that when I thought we were falling in love he didn't even want me :( As horrible as it is, I think I'm going to need to end it as I can't ever see me getting over this. Thanks again for your replies.
A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (19 August 2013):
 It appears that everyone is not very positive about your boyfriend. I`m not either. The very best I can say about him, is he is a user and he has used you.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (19 August 2013):
 You'll always have this nagging doubt that he'll try to get back with his ex again. And he lied to you, big time. Not the basis for any secure relationship.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (19 August 2013):
 Hi, its a difficult situation and its not fair. The question is can you settle for being second choice? Also can you trust that should his ex come back , he will not pack up and leave? Can you trust him?
If there is an element of doubt regarding his loyalty to you, I would say pack and leave because he is still obsessed with an ex he cant have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): To me it's a no brainer. I would not stay or be with someone who only saw me as the back up plan that they tragically had to fall back on. I have more self respect than to let myself be used like that. There's also a good chance that he's constantly scanning the horizon for something better. You would do well to break up with him and reclaim your dignity and it will be a good come uppance for him for using you and lying to you.
At least he didn't cheat on you, at least he had the decency to break up with you first before pursuing someone else. But what he did was just a step above. he still lied to you about his feelings and intentions. He misled you and misrepresented himself deliberately and this makes him an emotionally unsafe person to be with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): I would feel and think exactly the same as you are. I consider this a deal breaker because it means that the entire relationship was built on a lie. You cannot trust anything he says anymore, you were deceived into this relationship under false pretenses. Therefore I would not consider this relationship valid.
Apparentlt he treats people and relationships as interchangeable commodities, with the aim to fulfill his needs and his alone. It also shows he has no qualms about lying and manipulating you to get his needs met. He does not care about you, only what you can do for him.
It therefore means you cannot trust him. He blatantly lied and manipulated you to get you to take him back just so he wouldn't be alone. What if his ex became available next month or a few years down the road? What if she wants him back?
I don't think assessing the current relationship counts for much now. He has been using you. If he insists his heart has changed and he really wants you for who you are now, well how can you know if it is just another lie and manipulation tactic? And that is if he even admits it, which he might not.
People like him are dangerous. They look out for Number One only and are sneaky and cunning. This might be a deriable quality for a used car salesman but not for a long term relationship partner.
It is just better not to associate with people who lie and manipulate you, period. otherwise you will always be second guessing him which will induce anxiety in you, yet blindly trusting him is not wise either. It's best to cut your losses now and move on. Consider it lucky you found out before moving in with him.
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