A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Around two months ago I met this really great guy, he’s been super sweet and I could definitely see myself pursuing a life with him because he’s different from any guy I’ve ever met he treats me like a princess, he’s a gentlemen and has a great family, owns a Business, never goes a day without speaking to me, takes me out, tells me im beautiful everyday, and has been there for me. The only thing lacking a little is I feel Im not that attracted to him sexually. I think he’s very handsome but I feel like this is not a good thing. The other night we had sex for the first time and it wasn’t the worst but it wasn’t the best, I was a bit turned off and my mind started wander back to the idea that we really don’t have sexual chemistry, Im trying to look passed this all because I feel like I found a needle in a haystack he really is such a great guy but at the same time I am a firm believer that sex and attraction is a big part of a relationship and if it’s lacking the person is going to search for it elsewhere. I want to be with him because I enjoy our time together and he brings so much to the table I’ve never been treated like this by a man in my life and I feel like it would be stupid of me to give this up but I worry I ultimately won’t be happy with my decision sexually and emotionally in the end. Im really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): I totally agree with HP. I can't believe you are considering dumping him having slept with him only once! Maybe he was nervous and will improve or maybe he just needs to get to know what you like in bed, or even perhaps it was his first time!Having said all that, I agree with you that bad sex could be a deal-breaker for a lot of people.Best of luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): This is not as cut and dried as some would like to think. I used to have relationships with men who gave me mind blowing sex, fantastic sex. I met a guy about fifteen years ago that was the best ever, very charming, but he was a gold digger and I found out he was lying to me about so many things. As I had been smart enough to earn my wealth myself I was smart enough to make sure I did not get conned out of any of it too. If I had stayed with him I would have been literally paying him to have sex with me.I met lots of other guys, many of them had no education, no smarts, no personality, lazy, boring. I preferred to be single. I would prefer to go without sex altogether than make do with someone like that... no matter how good the sex was.I then met a wonderful man who works very hard, is very well educated, he is kind, he never lies to me, he would not flirt with other women, we have a great life. For the first time ever I have met a man who treats me with respect, does not have baggage and problems, is not some sort of dead weight or loser, is not a user. But the sex is crap. No good saying sort it out and talk to him and all that. I am not naive enough not to have already thought of those obvious options and done them all.It is still crap. But I am still better off with him than one of the others who are sexier and does not pull his weight financially etc.Two other things that matter - that many would not think of or take consideration of. I am in my sixties and disabled. I do not know the whole of your situation but I really do believe that if you find a man who treats you well - that does not mean you are a gold digger - then that matters far more than the rest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): Typo correction:
" He checks every box; but you raise the bar even higher."
Just to clarify, I was not implying "you" are a "user." I was identifying the behavior, so you won't allow yourself to fit the profile.
You want all the right things; but you can't judge a person on a single experience. Maybe you haven't grown any real emotional-attachment to him; this often makes sex an obligatory-act, but your heart wasn't really in it. You got swept-away in his charms; but you know better in the back of your mind.
If you can tell in a single experience; then I do suggest that you don't continue on with this.
It's unfair to him, and to yourself; because he would be under the false-impression you like everything about him. That would include making love to him. He could be a virgin, or sexually-inexperienced with women. Eventually you'd become disgusted, or frustrated; and hurt his feelings.
The sexual-aspect of a romantic-relationship is too important for you to just let it go; then regret it later. Too often, some women hang onto a guy; and may marry him for the wrong reasons. Like financial-security and prestige. Afraid they might have passed-up Mr. Right! That's not a good motive or sound approach towards romance. It might be hard, but it's best to let him go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): He's presumably a good-catch, and you can't bring yourself to let him go; because he might find somebody who truly deserves and appreciates him!!! " I don't really want him, but I don't want anybody else to have him!"
You had sex with him one time...only one time!!! You graded him on only one experience?
This is usually indicative of a user. A person who doesn't really feel anything for you, but can't bring themselves to give-up all the benefits. Sometimes it is unintentional; usually it isn't! It's based on entitlement and high-maintenance requirements.
The truth is, you don't feel anything for him. It's all about YOU!!! You just like him for what he has, is, and can be used for. He's not the "type" you are really attracted to; but you'll use him and break his heart in the long-run. Like Code Warrior suggests; you'd lead him on and hang-on to him; to keep him away from other women. While you seek the "type" you really like behind his back. This is usually how cheating is rationalized. He checks ever box; but you raise the bar even higher.
If he doesn't measure-up to all your sexual-expectations; don't mess with his head. Users are usually selfish. They'll fake-it; until somebody else comes along that they really want. Then comes that old-time sorry excuse..."but I couldn't help myself!"
Let him go. It has only been two months; and you don't really feel anything for him. You just like the way he treats you. Wouldn't it be ironic that he's really a fake, and you held-on to him for all the wrong reasons?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (11 August 2020):
 If the chemistry is not there, despite all the wonderful qualities this man has, then I doubt you will every feel it - unless you change your mindset. I say this because I suspect, given the type of man you have been out with in the past, you are drawn to "bad boys" but see "nice guys" as weak and not as sexually attractive. It's like a female version of the Madonna/whore view some guys have of women.
The few times I have been drawn to men based on looks alone have always turned out to be disasters. Their personalities and qualities have invariably turned out to be at odds with what I wanted and needed. On the other hand, the guys who have "grown" on me, based on personality and other qualities I value in a partner, have always turned out better in the long run, with sexual attraction growing stronger as intimacy increased.
If you really like this guy, perhaps it would be worth trying to figure out why you have been drawn to guys who were no good for you. If you really can't feel a sexual attraction for this lovely guy, then let him go; he deserves someone who will love him properly, not someone who is just with him because he is a "nice guy".
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (11 August 2020):
 There are many contributing factors that bind a relationship together, and sex does not fall at the top of the list.
Some people have sex for the first time and its amazing, and sparks fly. And some people have to work on it, but by working on it, and getting to knows each others body's, their likes. and dislikes, a great sex life can be achieved.
You have great things to say about him, from your wording he sounds like a keeper. I think it would be a mistake to end things just because you thought your first sexual encounter with him was not as good as yo had hoped.
Yes sex and attraction is a big part of a relationship, but I think it would be rather shallow for someone to search for it elsewhere.
It was only the first time, so sparks diden't fly. I suggest you give it time, get to know each other more. Don't just rush straight into sex, explore each other with role play and fore play.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 August 2020):
 Dude! OP~!
You have only had sex ONE time! And it wasn't a disaster! While I get the sexual attraction it's important how come you didn't figure out that he didn't turn you on or drive you "wild" BEFORE you slept with him?
Because if you only realized after ONE time of sex, then I think you are getting ahead of yourself.
There is DEFINITELY room for improvement here. First time sex with a new partner is like learning to drive a stick when you are used to automatic. It takes a bit of practice and adjustments.
If it was the fact that the sex was "meeh" that makes you think there is no sexual attraction, I'd suggest you go at it a few more times before you judge.
If you already knew before hand... then I think it was a little unfair to sleep with him in the first place.
Lastly, YOU have only "known" each other for 2!!!! months. Which means you don't REALLY know him, take some time to KNOW him. See if there are things in common. Also it's OK for you to tell him about things in bed you enjoy.
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