A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know where to start - my boyfriend and I have been together a little more than ten years we've been through a lot together and we also have two beautiful children together, anyways about three years ago i started some medication that killed my sex drive, we went about three years without any good sex but thankfully i stopped the meds and about seven months ago i got my sex drive back. I was so happy and I thought he would be too, we slowly started having sex again but i had to get it going each time, then the weird stuff started. He started playing with himself in bed whenever he thought i was sleeping and when i confronted him he said it wasn't true and I was completely fucking crazy so i started really believing i was crazy and he wasn't doing it, i even said sorry.A couple months went by then i was fully awake and I'm sure he was secretly masturbating in bed while he thought i was sleeping. can you PLEASE HELP ME what could all this mean if anything?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012): He isn't doing anything wrong why are you so mad? Why does it upset you that he 's masturbating? That's a totally normal harmless thing to do for a male and for most women too. It brings physical relief of tension. It has nothing to do with you. But your shaming him and making it into a problem is going to cause problems in your relationship because he feels he has to lie to you.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (18 December 2012):
Of course, none of this is your fault. You were on meds and it wasn't possible otherwise.
But I think he's secretly holding a grudge against you, because first he had to shut down his sex drive and survive three years without it. He's got used to his role now, waiting for your command, your desire and your okay to have sex. If he had been horny and initiative for the last three years, you'd have found it inappropriate.
So now it's too big of a gesture for him to just congratulate you on your newfound sex drive and be an initiative and passionate lover again.
He's tried for a long time to shape his sexuality according to your needs to show you his love. Maybe he feels like you didn't really ever aknowledge that. And that's what still hurts him and makes him angry.
So making him feel like an inappropriate and respectless asshole by confronting him with his masturbation is probably not helpful.
He should not masturbate when you're around, I agree. And denying it by saying you're crazy is mean. But since you're a family, when would it be possible for him to masturbate, since you're living together and probably spend a lot of your free time together and with the children? And when you always sleep in the same bed? I mean, that's maybe just my opinion but I think people still should have the right to masturbate when they're in a relationship.
I sometimes masturbate when I feel lonely. And sleeping in the same bed with someone who's become a stranger to me would make me feel alone and sad. Maybe, despite sex being a topic again, you both threw over board the emotional intimacy that came with it once. Because it's now overloaded with topics such as respect, guilt, shame, patience, illness, etc.
Maybe counselling would really be a good idea. Or at least an open conversation - in a calm moment, not when you catch him at night - where you both tell each other what's bothering you. Maybe you can also think about some ways to give each other space and time.
Well, this being said, I don't think that's the best advice I've ever given, more some loose thoughts on the matter. I can relate to his situation because I've been through something similar. But that doesn't mean I think he's right and you should just put up with it. I just hoped I could help you you understand his point of view so you can act and save your relationship together.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (18 December 2012):
Some guys are shy about masturbation, maybe its from childhood when we were afraid our mothers would catch us at it! Your bf was obviously very self-conscious about being found out and might explain his reaction at denying everything (like a child) but it in no way justifies it. I dont think you should have an issue with him quietly wacking off whilst you sleep but you do have a massive issue with how he talked to you. Maybe he is horny and would like sex but you are asleep or trying to be! Also once a guy has got an erection he's never going to get to sleep until its dealt with. What do want him to do? Go in a different room? If you have your sex drive back then maybe try going to bed earlier so you can have a good time together. Guys really dont like talking about masturbation but we all do it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (18 December 2012):
 Three years without any good sex and he has developed a sexual problem. No big surprise there. You took several months to heal from the effects of the drug. Sadly he is not healing as fast. Not only that he has trouble handling his guilt over the whole thing.
So, when you confront him are you adding a lot of guilt and emotional meaning to what to him is an embarrassing release of physical pressure? I'm not sure why he is doing it in bed. Do you get upset if goes to take a shower? He is hiding because it costs him less to hide it than to resolve it. And all of this behavior has been building up for over 3 years.
O K if you are going to solve this, and save the relationship at the same time, you are going to have to work on it together. You two as a team against the problem. You both have to share your resources, including information to attack the problem. Notice he is not the bad guy, you are not the police man. The problem is a lack of intimacy and a break down in communication. Together you can beat it.
You are going to have to accept that masturbation was his way of handling the loss of your sexual intimacy for a long period of time. Like any addiction he will take time to return to his previous behavior. He will have to accept that his masturbation is hurting your return to intimacy because it is not shared.
Generally the best way to approach a problem like this is to say some thing like "I have a problem, I'd like you to help me fix it." Guys love fixing things. "I don't feel as close to you as I want to". He wants more closeness. Tread lightly.
FA
PS as I reread this I see that it jumps around a lot and has some holes in it. I'm out of time right now if you think I am on a helpful track please reply.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 December 2012):
 This is the most literal example of this I've ever heard:
http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/
He's behaving both disrespectfully and in a very privileged way. In one package he's both using centuries of oppression to his advantage (that women are crazy when they have opinions) and treating you like garbage.
It's not just that he's doing this in bed (which alone is very disrespectful), he's also getting angry at you for saying something. I think you two need to go try a marriage counselor. To see if you can fix this extreme anger on his part.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 December 2012):
My guess is he's falling back on old habits that were formed during the last three years of no sex. I applaud him because doing that is way better than cheating. If I were you I would gently talk to him about it.
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