A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here's my situation. My boyfriend - now ex boyfriend broke up with me way back in May. We were together for 4 years. His reasons; he needs to be self-actualised as in he needs to find out who he is. A hard feat even when you are pursuing it. He also doesn't know if he ever wants to get married or have children. He wants to travel the world, and feels this too is a pursuit he can only do as a single man. (I'd like to do the same but if I say this he says I can travel - as in - by myself). He is messing with my head. He doesn't think he is but I know he still loves me, he wants to talk to me often, and we have done that break up sex thing once too often now. He told me he still loves me under interrogation, I needed to hear it, and he told me adding I don't want to get your hopes up but I do love you. I don't know what to do. I don't want to remove him from my life, I am still hurting and talking to him does ease the pain. He is my best friend but I love him too much to ever hear I am just a friend to him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Well I know it is real love, for me and for him. He doesn't use qualifiers and neither do I.
But I also know we have a different life goals, which was always going to drive us apart. He's clear about what he wants so I have to be too. I want a steady relationship, I want someone I can rely on. He rely's a lot on me, calling me to ask what he should do or what I think, but I am trying to pull away from reciprocating that. I don't want to rely on him anymore.
He's tried to call, and I haven't answered. I don't mean to be a bitch, but I think stopping contact is the right thing to do. Should I call and say something, how do I let him know I need space/
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 The thing is, he is very clear about what he wants. Because of that, you can be sure that a relationship isn't one of those things. Of course he still wants to have sex with you. If he can still have that without the relationship, then why wouldn't he want that to continue?
What's he going to do next?
Continue stringing you along. May he come around? Possibly, but it's doubtful. He will, however, keep using you as long as you let him.
What should you do next?
Despite what you may still feel for him, you should cut him out of your life. Easier said than done, I know, but it's the only way for you to move on. This guy isn't going to give you what you want, unless you want a FWB.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (7 February 2011):
 You need to completely separate from him. No contact.
If you really want to know how he feels, then that is what you have to do.
I imagine that deep down inside you don't want to do that because you don't want to find out that he doesn't really love you.
You are probably thinking, "If I just don't contact him at all, and don't respond to his attempts to contact me, what does it mean if he gives up? And would it be ultimately my fault because I stopped talking to him?"
You hope he still loves you, but you don't know for sure.
And unfortunately there are many people in this world that know someone else loves them deeply, and they want to keep that person (and their attention and adoration) around. They NEED that attention and adoration.
So, they will tell the other person that they also love them. Not a lot, but sometimes. Just enough to keep them around.
Do you want to know how to really know whether he loves you?
When you really love someone, you are probably not going to use qualifiers. That is, you are probably not going to tell him, "I love you, but sometimes it is hard to be around you." Or, "I love you, I just need to figure some things out in my own head."
That is basically a way of saying they think they love you somewhat. But to those of us who know that we love someone, we know that it is not something that we need to water down.
If you truly love someone you love them DESPITE the many issues or problems that they have. You don't see the mediocre job and excess 10 lbs when you look at them, you see a person you love dearly and don't really care about the rest.
And that is why real love is so rare. Most of the time these people really just care about the other person a lot. Care that they be happy, and not get hurt. But they don't really love them in the full sense of the word.
Something else that I have noticed is whether the other person says, "I love you so much". I mean, really just go there. Not just an "I love you", but a real, no questions about it, "I love you so much, it is ridiculous".
Can you say that about him?
If you don't think it is the same for both of you, it is always gonna mess you up to be around this qualified love as long as your love is so much clearer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I guess the question is and what is he going to do next? What do I do next?
I wish it were a case of "and he is an asshole" but he's not. I don't understand how he can be so clear cut about what he wants, yet still want me and also - all the stuff the actual relationship brings. If one more person says cake and eat it - I really will scream. I can be the same just cos I'm the woman doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 February 2011):
Tragic. Sooooo... What's your question? How do you get over him? Why did he do what he did? Why is he doing what he's doing?
He's confused about what he wants, perhaps having a crisis of some sort. Ultimately though I think he keeps in contact to keep you in tow should he change his mind. It is a cruel game he's playing, but he'll keep it up as long as you keep letting him.
What do you want? To me, it sounds like you want to be back with him. If he won't give that to you, then you have to stand up for yourself! You'll never find someone who will treat you right if you keep clutching to this failed relationship.
Losing someone sucks. You have to properly grieve the relationship in order to move on. This continued contact just keeps old wounds open, never letting them heal.
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