A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am 26 and my boyfriend is 31.We have been together with for just under a year. We have discussed marriage once before in this time seriously about 3 months ago. At that time I wasn't ready and I didn't know how to express it so I got really paranoid and checked his email and facebook in case he was in contact with his ex-girlfriend or anyone else. He is in contact with his ex but just as friends as she is in a different country and I already knew this much before I checked anyway. So I told him I checked all these things and he was hurt but he seems to have forgiven me and we haven't talked about it since. Over the past week or so he has been saying subtle things about us buying a house together but not stating it as a definite, just mentioning it. I never quite know how to respond to these subtle comments and end up laughing them off because I'm just happy that he's considering marriage or going along with the subtle innuendos because I don't want to seem too eager and I don't want him to feel pressured. What should I do? Should I initiate the 'where is this going?' conversation and just get it all out in the open or how should I respond to these subtle statements in future? I've always thought the man should start these conversations as ultimately they decide when to propose marriage???Also of note, he is awaiting results of a very important exam at the end of June. Should I wait until after these to bring this up?And in fact what shall I ask?! We live in different cities so that's a question. And he's a Muslim and I'm sort of learning about the religion with a view to practising soon so I suppose that's another. And I haven't met his Mum but we sort of agreed that we would do that towards the end of this Summer when we last had 'the talk' so I probably don't need to confirm that...What should I do? Should these things be discussed in detail before proposal??? Your advice is very greatly appreciated, I really don't want to destroy this relationshipThank you
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, muslim Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 Just be honest. You don't have to start an official, deeply serious conversation about your future. Just talk to him like you talk to him about any normal day to day thing. You know he likes you, and you've said to us that your aren't as nervous about commitment now so tell him.
The more you each keep to yourself them more you both are going to be wondering about what the other is thinking. This will create nervousness and tension. The sooner you both are on the same page, the easier things will go in the future.
Just because you two talk about your future, that doesn't mean you are officially engaged or anything.
Good luck. :-)
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (24 May 2010):
 First I want to ask you if you are absolutely sure you want to become Muslim? I don't want to scare you, but you should be aware (if you aren't already) that while some Muslims are more liberal (in fact, the Prophet himself regarded women as equal to men, I understand) but some of his followers definitely don't. They may insist that you wear hijab; might not want you to have the freedom to associate with your friends, possibly not even your own family; or continue the activities/interests you now enjoy.
You know about women in Afghanistan and how they are treated by the Taliban, I suppose? And some of the British Muslim communities are extremely strict.......anyway, I mention it as something you need to think about and keep in mind - unless you already have done so.
Afraid I don't really have anything to add to what YouWish has told you......
...............................
A
female
reader, Gridrebel +, writes (24 May 2010):
 A 26 year old snooping for no reason is teenage crap. The questions and issues you have raised are very serious and do not have simple solutions. On many of them, your position should already be established prior to any relationship. Maybe you should seek some outside help such as a counselor of marriage/relationships or take a class on assertiveness and relationships so that you can address these issues and learn how to make positive decisions. It also might help to mature and get out of the fairy tale "knight on a white horse" scenario. All the questions and doubts you exposed SHOULD be discussed with him!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 May 2010):
 Well, he brought it up last time a few months ago, and you were not receptive to the idea. He's sorta hinting around now with you, and the ball is in your court. When he starts sorta talking about it, go ahead and bring it up, and instead of saying "where is this going?", just say, lightly, "I feel better about this than I did a few months ago". Put him at ease, since he was the one who brought it up first. The conversation will go a lot easier after you put him at ease.As for the checking around his stuff and the snooping, stop doing that. You're not married to him, and I know you'd be spitting nails if he were to do that to you.
...............................
|
