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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend gets upset everyime he is reminded of my past. Not just the physical things I did with other guys, but if I was flirty with someone, even if we didn't kiss... all of that bothers him. I think it's a bit extreme, I mean, all I did was kiss some guys, I was technically a virgin before I started dating him (all I ever did was giving oral sex just ONCE to a guy we both know... but that was before I met my boyfriend). Since I started dating him, he has been the only guy for me...He didn't find out about my past until he started asking about it at approximately six months in the relationship. After that, it's been very difficult, as he gets very mad sometimes.I wonder if this stems from insecurity. I don't know, as he sems pretty secure in himself... he never shows insecurity other than this jealousy. He knows he's attractive, funny and smart. At least that's what he says. He's very confident among his peers. So he isn't the typical insecure guy who is always wallowing in self pity, so for me it's hard to know whether this comes from insecurity or morals. Sometimes he asks questions about my past out of the blue and starts judging me.His background: he was abused and abandoned by his father when he was a child (he currently lives with his mother and brother). He lived with, and lost his grandpa at an early age. He then lived with his aunt, uncle and cousins for a long while (they kinda raised him as his mom works all day and is never home, they were his emotional support) and then they left. In the time they left, he broke up with his first girlfriend because she had cheated on him with his best friend (he attempted suicide and went to counselling), he has also been cheated on by other girfriends.So is he insecure and acts confident, or is my past truly against his morals?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JesseENG  +, writes (5 May 2008):
Even the most confident people need assurance from time to time. they just might be too proud to ask for it. id say try thinking of something that would show how much you care for him and only him. i think people just need to know they are really truly loved sometimes. were all human after all.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 May 2008):
 Firstly, as moderator,let me apologise for the confusing heading ( don't know what I was thinking of! )
Anyhoo, as for your problem.
You have to ask yourself this question: Do I want to be happy?
It is very important for you to ask yourself this. Because you know deep down that spending time with this man will suck every last bit of hope and joy from your body.
He is a trainwreck, an emotional basketcase. Sure his past has affected him, but he uses it like a blunt instrument to smash the life out of all around him. It becomes an excuse for his behaviour, a tool he can use to control your behaviour and actions.
I cant really offer advice on the relationship itself as I feel it is all about you appeasing him. This is not a relationship, a relationship is both partners discussing their concerns equally, you dont have this.
You have just lucked out on the relationship front by picking an emotional wreck, but you can still look forward to happiness, you just need to do it without him that's all.
good luck.
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