A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After a party I went home with a good friend of mine. We ended up in bed together, although we didn't have sex, we kissed and were naked. We spent the next day hanging out, but didn't discuss what happened.I care about him and respect him hugely. I have known him for years. He is going through an awful time at the moment as he has suffered great loss. My heart goes out to him and I want to support him and be there for him.I don't know where to go from here. I feel foolish for getting into bed with him, as I don't want him to think I am insincere in my feelings for him. I am aware also this is not a good time for him to have any drama like this complicating his life, he has enough on his plate. I feel I should back off and give him space, but I want him to know that I care for him a lot and that I am here for him anytime. I want him to know that I do have feelings for him, but I don't want to put any pressure on him to respond or tell me how he feels either way. In the past we have had drunken "things" like this happen, but then it has been left undiscussed, but then something will happen when we are drunk again. Since then I have had a long relationship and seen another guy, so I can understand if he doubts my sincerity. But I have always liked him, it has just seemed like the timing wasn't ever right.Where do I go from here? most importantly I don't want to lose him as a friend and I hope he still feels he can call me and talk to me anytime, because he is going through hell at the moment and I want him to know I will listen and be there whenever. But obviously things have changed now. Why do I get so drunk that I do things like this? Can anyone offer me advice on what to say to him?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 October 2012):
 I apologise for getting the wrong end of the stick and now you have elaborated, I can see the problem a little clearer.
In the reviewed light I think it would be ok to call him and just say you feel akward about everything that happened.
If you read your last response to me...well I'd say that is pretty much what you should say to him as that is truly how you are feeling.
I don't think you could make anything worse, but it might give you some relief from feeling so awful.
Just say 'I'm sorry things got weird between us, I feel akward, I know you probably don't need this right now but can we just keep our friendship going'
Something like that. As he is going through a rough time, maybe just being the best friend you can be will be exactly what he needs, but hold back a little and do not lose sight of your own thoughts and feelings because you matter too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't really see it as anyone's fault. These things happen. I don't desperately "want" a relationship to happen. I figure if it is meant to it will. I just feel like I need to say something after what happened.I want to clarify Aunty Em, that his troubles are not a "barrier for commitment". I was not asking for commitment and he was not avoiding one. I wanted to be there for him, as I care about him a lot, and I know he is going through hell....He found a sibling after they committed suicide and now his parent is terminally ill.... hell....I wanted and still want to help him because I care for him, as a friend, which comes far above whatever fumbles we've had in the past. But obviously my wanting to "be there for him" went too far and I feel embarrassed and ashamed, because he's got enough trouble on his plate. I'm embarrassed of my drunken behavior. I guess I should just leave him alone. Its not my job to help him. If he wants to talk to me, I hope he feels he can. But I assume he would feel awkward now. I guess you just can't erase these things that happen. I just really hope he's ok and has people he can talk to.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 October 2012):
I think I would just leave it. There is no need to apologise as he was at fault as much as you.
You could salvage the friendship but not until you have gotten over your feelings, because you do not want to get hurt do you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, makes sense. He had asked me out recently but had to cancel due to these family issues. I don't expect him to be in any state to be wanting a relationship right now. As for the past, yes I was stupid, but that was many years ago and these things happen. I had wanted something with him a while back but it didn't happen, so I assumed he didn't want it to and I moved on. He did once apologize for the past and said he knows we nearly went out. Recently we had been flirting and it was stupid of me to end up in his bed. I have no recollection of this happening. Now I have confusing emotions about it, guilt and uncertainty. I don't know whether to apologize and move on, admit my feelings, or just leave it. I feel kind of like I took advantage of him, I followed him home, and I feel ashamed. He has been good to me in the past, I do consider him a good friend. I know he doubts the sincerity of my feelings because I have been with other guys whilst I've known him, but he never made a move to actually ask me out, which he acknowledged once when I was already in a relationship.
The point is, you are right, if he was really interested, he would have asked me out by now, and he is capable. For my own peace of mind and sanity I need to stop worrying about this incident and get over it. But I wonder, should I apologize/acknowledge what happened or just leave it?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 October 2012):
I think you like this man and ould like to have a love relationship with him. Your feelings have grown over the time you have known him and despite all your efforts to be his 'everything' he has not reciprocated.
You have, out of desperation (in the nicest possible way)allowed yourself to get into diffiult situations with him. The drunken fumbles, the falling into bed but there are no clear lines drawn, no boundaries, expectations or rules and this leaves you wide open t0 be exploited and used.
If this guy wanted a relationship ith you, he'd have made his more by now. Troubles or not, he would not be able to help himself.
If he wanted you as a friend, he would have more respect for you and wouldn't allow the drunken mistakes and fumbles.
It's nice to have a rock to lean on, someone to support us and be there for us in hard times when we need it...but you are not rock, you are a fully feeling emotional woman who has hopes and desires...and you are compromising those things just so you can stay in this mans life...a man who does use you like a piece of cold hard rock.
My advice would be to withdraw some and don't be too available. If he needs a supportive phone call or someone to say 'there there', you can do that, but don't give everything you have until you are in a loving, two way, relationship...because giving it all in a situation like this will have little returns and leave you feeling empty.
Would he be there for you if you were having troubles?...this is the 'litmus test'
Right now he is getting all the benefits of a loving caring girlfriend(minus the sex...which isn't too far off is it?) without having to make a commitment and his troubles act as a perfect barrier for maing that commitment.
Be a friend, but don't neglect other areas of your life. Pull back for a while and don't be all over him trying to fix all his needs, because he isn't fixing any of yours.
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