A
female
age
30-35,
*arree
writes:I liked this boy for about 3 years, I didn't tell him because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. This summer we slept together (drunk) it didn't go very well and I wasn't really prepared as in not shaven. So it was never going to be perfect him because most men prefer it that way or at least I think he does. At first it was awkward when we returned to school, I obviously expected that however we gradually began talking agian it wasn't as it had been before, it was a start though.Until one weekend when he rang me drunk. He didn't mention what had happened between us, he was just constantly asking what I was doing. Apprently he did this to a lot of people so it can't mean anything. anyway after that weekend he hasn't spoken to me properly and also avoids looking at me in the face. Lately he is becoming increasing mean, rude and careless for example talking about me in class and making jokes that him and his mates laugh at. It really hurts because i have liked him for so long and despite what he says or does I still like him... I genuinely don't want to any more but it can't stop. The only thing I can think is that the idea of me disgusts him since he's got what he wants. I would just like to know why he is behaving this way and how can I get him to stop without confronting him because he now extremely intimidates me. I don't want to love him any more, it hurts far to much especially when I think I hear him mentioning things about me to his friends, making jokes. My chest feels weak and I can't breath. Someone help? Has anyone else been in this situation? Wwhy is he acting this way? and how can I still love him after what he's doing?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2008):
 I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your followup.
Yes, I know you want things to go back, but unfortunately, you can't erase what's happened. So you should think about what keeps you safe and secure and if that means not speaking to him, except if necessary, you might need to do that.
He needs to understand that he's being hurtful and hateful, but I'm afraid boys that age often have no empathy for others, let alone a girl that they perceive as merely another person in school. So you can't count on him seeing it from your side. Awful as it might be to accept, some people are just not going to change for the better. He might be one of those people.
So I'm sorry for the hurt he's put you through, but now you've learned something about yourself. You don't handle alcohol particularly well, if you do things that you wouldn't do when you're sober. You know that being treated in such a way really hurts, so you won't do that to anyone else. You know that you deserve better treatment than he has given you and you know that you can like someone who doesn't really deserve your respect.
Life's lessons can sometimes really bruise our hearts. You'll be fine when you realize that you'll get through this and you'll be more cautious and careful with the next boy who you find really attractive, and that's not a bad thing.
Keep yourself well and safe.
A
female
reader, Harree +, writes (29 November 2008):
Harree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut sometimes he shows concern about be evey now agian, not major concern i might add (just things like asking me where i am going if i am going in the wrong direction to class)and at times he says hello to me. I just want it to be like before! If this isn't love... i never want to be love because it hurts too bad when your losing!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 November 2008):
He's abusive and disrespectful and completely out of line. Look, you sound like you're making excuses for why he's treating you this way, you were unshaven and you have now decided that you disgust him. Honey, that's coming at it from the wrong way. The one you should be blaming for his appalling behavior is HIM.
I'm with Fade in that you need to tell someone about the bullying. It may be hard for you to do it, because you're probably worried that you'll have to tell about having sex with him. Well, you don't. You just have to tell them about how he's treating you.
If you were my daughter, I would want you to come to me and tell me what's happening with you, because I would want only the best for you. I might be upset and disappointed that you weren't a virgin but I would get over it. I would do everything in my power to help you understand that you deserve better treatment and make sure that he is barred from any contact with you at all.
The love thing, well, I know you're going to hate me for being an old fart and saying this, but this is not love. This is a strong, confusing feeling for someone who you like a lot, though and you're experiencing it as love. Why should I care about making that distinction? I make it because it's important that you understand what a healthy relationhip with love is, so that you don't make choices in your future where you give abusive men access to your heart. Okay? So I understand that these feelings are very real to you, but I want you to start calling them something else. Distinguish them from true love.
I agree also with Fade that you're 'in love' with the idea of what he represents or what you want him to be. This is something I did when I was your age. I had a HUGE crush on a guy that was a jerk and an idiot, and finally, one of my friends had to tell me the truth about him. It was really hard to hear, but I listened, and then looked at him with clearer eyes. And he was a jerk and he was an idiot and I was at risk because I was with him.
So stop blaming yourself for his failings, tell someone what he's doing to you, and do some self-assessment as to why you feel this way about yourself and him.
Okay? Good luck and take good care of yourself.
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