A
female
age
30-35,
*hadowre
writes:Hey, I have been talking to this dude for about a week. Get on great with him! Hes lovely, hes really funny and quite ambitious.The thing is, hes quite feminine, haha. I think hes gay like! And he did ask he out on two days ago for a date. Now I dont really know what to do. Like hes really really really feminine!!! I do like him a bit, but I also look at him as being gay.Just want some peoples advice/opinions please!? :)
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female
reader, shadowre +, writes (7 March 2011):
shadowre is verified as being by the original poster of the question To person12345, I do like, I just think that he is gay.
To mishmash, Hes 24, so hes 5 years older than me. I kinda know hes not gay, like his cousin is gay, half our friends are gay or bisexual. There would be no problem to come out at all!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): Effeminate men do read as "gay" and yes, this is a stereotype. I don't think you should laugh at him, but I do think you should pay attention to your intuition.
If you would be embarassed to be considered his girlfriend, because he appears gay, then don't go on the date. Don't waste your time or his.
If he's around your age, he could very well be gay and in the middle of figuring out his sexuality. He may very well be dating women in the process of figuring that out. I've been a "last stop" for a gay friend of mine. I had suspicions at the time, but I enjoyed his company, we were close friends at first, and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. What I eventually discovered was that he was attracted to men as well men, he didn't really like what it meant for him socially to be labeled "gay", but he also wanted to give himself the benefit of the doubt.
This might sound difficult and it it will probably be awkward, but you can ask him directly and in private, "Are you bi?" If you notice and suspect it, you probably aren't the only one wondering.
Another method to trying to figure out where he is in terms of his sexuality is how he reacts to out gay people. My general experience tells me that men who were closetted tend to be the most reactive to other gay men. They might put them down, laugh or sneer at them, judge them harshly, or avoid them completely because they don't want to be associated with anything homosexual.
If you don't want to date him, don't then. But don't treat him badly or judge him.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 Gay men aren't effeminate. It's a very negative cultural stereotype to assume men who show any "feminine qualities" are gay. Very confining. Do you not like him because you think he's gay or because you're not attracted?
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (7 March 2011):
 Don't settle. If he's not man enough for you then, go for someone else that fits your bill.
You don't want to get into a habit of trying to fix your partners or accepting less than what you deserve; you'll just be disappointed when he embarrasses you and resentful that he won't change. So, be true to yourself. :)
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (7 March 2011):
 Shadowre,
This is such a stereotype. Gay guys aren't effeminate, they are attracted to men. They are attracted to the same manly characteristics that you are attracted to. There is no percentage for them to appear feminine.
Your guy is obviously attracted to you. He has been putting effort into getting to know you. If you aren't going to be attracted to him let him know so he can stop wasting time on you.
FA
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A
female
reader, cherryberrytrapeze  +, writes (7 March 2011):
Well, if you like him go for it. But don't get into anything just for the thrill of dating someone or always having a companion by your side. Going out requires responsibility. Don't lead him on if you're going to have constant doubts about his sexual preference.
if you do like him and you do choose to pursue this however, best of luck to you :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): Your instincts are telling you he's not for you in a romantic way. If you like his company, be his friend. But I wouldn't take things further.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 If you're not attracted to him or see him as someone you might want to share a relationship with, in all aspects, then tell him that you're not interested in more than friendship. He might be nice all he wants, and you may get along great, but if you're not attracted to him you're not attracted to him.
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