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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I feel like such a dumbass for writing this question. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months or so, and he's an exceptional boyfriend. It's been great, I'm really happy.Except I'm having problems accepting his past. I know, I know... it shouldn't matter, and consciously I know it doesn't. I don't get why it bothers me... I really don't. I don't think it's normal to be upset over something that happened before we were together! So I feel a bit like a freak.He was very promiscuous. I knew he was promiscuous before we started dating, because we were friends and during get-togethers his friends would also tease him about it. In the beginning I didn't care, but he also started volunteering information, so I would know who he really was, what he did, before I would find out through others. I appreciate his honesty, but I think I would have preferred not to know.The more attached I've grown, ironically, the more I care! We've been building moments and memories together, and yet I care about his one night stands and such. It's really stupid. I feel stupid.I've never been like that so I find it difficult to understand. He's only been my 5th. Not all guys I've slept with have been boyfriends, but all the guys I've slept with, I've cared about and respected, and even though on occasions I tried to have "meaningless sex" with them, I failed miserably. I always ended getting a little attached (and hurt), so I don't understand how sex can be meaningless. Because that's what he says, that all he did was meaningless, empty, to try and fill a void. That those 2 years he spent having sex with new girls every weekend were about trying to fix his self esteem and about his fear of commitment (he was badly hurt in a prior relationship). I was also badly hurt in a prior relationship. I was cheated on, abused... my self esteem was also shattered, but when I tried to go the "meaningless sex" route, I ended up feeling more used and sad. I guess in a way, I also resent meaningless sex for that, because when I tried it, I ended up feeling disrespected.And I guess that's what upsets me the most, that it was meaningless sex. I guess in a way it makes me feel inadequate, like I'm not one of those girls capable of detaching sex from love and just having wild fun, like I'm not adventurous enough for him... and of course, I imagine him in those scenarios, at parties, seducing these girls, going after them just for their bodies, etc. We also run into them often. It's a small town. And a lot of them are friends of his friends, etc. Some are even acquaintances of mine.He was so restrained with me. He courted me in a traditional way, but when we started getting physical, I had to "push" sex. I feel like he didn't really want me like he wanted these girls, although he says that's not true.He says he doesn't remember his number. I guess my ego is also a bit hurt that I'm probably the XXXth girl he's slept with. I know he loves me and that makes it special, but just sexually, I don't feel special. I feel I bring nothing new to the table.This is all irrational of course. Rationally I know his past makes him who he is today, and if he hadn't been like that, he'd probably be a whole different person that I probably wouldn't love so dearly now. I know it's more important to be the last than the first, to be loved than just to be desired. But it's still painful to accept.I don't know how to accept it. Will it get better with time? Should I break up with him? I don't want to, but I feel I'm being unfair to him, I fear he might not feel accepted, and worst of all, that he might feel I'm shaming him and he might be getting hurt. He says he understands, although of course it's difficult for him because he's done nothing wrong now, on the contrary! He's been awesome. And I know I'd have this same problem with any other guy.I need some insight, anything, from anyone who's gone through this. I know a lot of men have problems coping with their girlfriend's/wife's past, for different reasons, but in the end it's the same. I just need to know it's possible to get over this, because I can't stand hurting the man I love over something so petty as this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): Well I sort of have been in your shoes. And I think the trick to it is to avoid hearing the details. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, I have never dated a guy who made me feel so loved amd secure and cared for. When we first started dating he told me that he had a "few" friends with benefits that he calls for sex. And it was just that... sex. He said he didnt want to feel like he was hiding anything from me. And like you said, at the beginning it doesn't hit you aard. I just asked him if he would continue his arrangements if we developed something meaningful -wether I got sexual with him or not- he said no and that he hasnt met up with any of them since we started dating. I left it at that.
Now my boyfriend like yours would sometimes go into details like in telling a "funny story" or an "example". I first would nod and try to play cool but it really bothered me, so I just told him out flat that I know you have a past and your past is yours but I really dont want to hear or picture other girls being all over my boyfriend. He said I was right and that it would upset him if he had to picture me with other guys past or not. So now out of respect he doesn't bring up any of that stuff. And honestly for me I never think of it now that I dont hear about it.
There's still the problem (or rather the situation) of these girls being "friends" or in his social circle. Me and my boyfriend have this unspoken rule (he started doing it, I followed) that we would not hang out with any of our opposite sex-friends one on one. Its not a matter of mistrust but a matter of respect. I always make sure he's welcomed when I go out with my male friends and he makes sure he does the same. A couple of his past- friends/lovers tried coming on to him to which he told them that he would no longer be able to hang out with them or talk to them since he was under the impression that they were just friends but thier messages weren't very "friend like" and that he has a girlfriend that he loves and he wouldn't risk it for the world.
I think what you are feeling is legitimate. And a little communication goes a long way. I'm sure your boyfriend loves you and respects you and thw last thing he'd want to do is to hurt you or ruin anything, thats in fact why he was taking it slow to begin woth. Talk about it with him. You'd probably hear him say he's happier with you than he's ever been getting a new girl every weekend. And that he finds you more attractive than all those xxx's combined together. He choses to have you over and over and over again, i doubt he ever craved any of them as much or he wouldn't have ended up with you ;)
Choose your words wisely and articulate, I bet he has some sweet words for you.
I know people always think they should come clean and share their pasts with thier partners, but I think we're all human and it's sometimes hard to take. Somethings are better kept in the past if they dont affect the present relationship and when/if discussed they should be discussed sensitivly and with little detail.
Just talk to your boyfriend once then let it go, I'm sure he'll be happy to let you know how attractive and loved you are. Give him a chance and dont shame him for his past or shame yourself for your current feelings.
All the best!
A
male
reader, wise-guy  +, writes (2 May 2014):
I feel your pain. No matter what people say, it always hurts to think of a partners past especially when it comes down to sex. You're right, guys feel it too.
You seem very sweet and you've got you're head screwed on so don't worry you ain't a crazy freak for not being able to push it out of your mind. I'd feel the same as you if I'm honest. It's just one of those things.
I'm sure he loves you from what you say and nothing seems to be ringing alarm bells. Just see how things go :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): I think it will get better with time and that you shouldn't break up with him. I'm sort of in your bf's shoes. Shortly after my divorce I went a bit wild, if you will, and my # grew A LOT, so let me give you my take on that side of it, basically your bf's side. I'm with a man now who makes me feel so special, loved, and respected like no man ever has. I want to be the kind of woman who deserves that. As far as my other lovers go, they are meaningless and vague to me now; they are NOTHING compared to this man...NOTHING. The difference is love and commitment, just as it is with how your bf views you. He does not compare you to those other girls, other than to know you mean the world to him and they meant nothing. He's not comparing ANYTHING. In fact, he's more likely wondering wtf he was doing all that time acting like a dummy since what he has now... with YOU... is so great and wonderful. You DO bring something different to the table; you bring a fulfilling, committed relationship, which is WAY more precious to him than whatever bimbos he was banging a year ago.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 May 2014):
 I actually know what you're going through. Even though I am a man(men have feelings too you know). I was exactly where you are! with the he an she flipped. However, I put my feelings into a cold dark place in my memory bank and only inspect them sparingly. %0 years of marraige later i can honestly say,I still feel the inferiority complex from time to time. I know for a fact that she had better lovers than I am. The thing about it though is she never had a better love than I bring. I've stayed true to the vows and she knows those others did not. So there! I won after all. You hang in there. When he's with you he'st with them..you win!
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (2 May 2014):
Dear OP,
You don't need to break up with him. You just need to change your point of view. That's easier said than done, but clearly you are being upset about something which is in the past and which you haven't witnessed. So basically, you are upsetting yourself with your own vague ideas of an imaginary past of your boyfriend. It would be sad if that was the cause for the end of your relationship.
Why don't you start by believing him? He probably told you the truth, that the phase he went through was a pathetic attempt at getting some self esteem and at least an illusion of true intimacy. He knew right then and there it's not the "real thing", but he probably went on anyway. Men are more prone to do this, I guess, because they gain status among their friends, while women don't (still the old "slut" cliche).
If you can't separate feelings from sex, congratulations! Who said you had to? You are an emotional being who doesn't live according to an idea of "sexual freedom" that puts quantity over quality. I would say this is remarkably sane. In my opinion, most people only separate sex from feelings, because they feel too lonely and too desperate to wait for the whole package of sexual and emotional attraction. So they try to "have fun" in the mean time, which mostly results in mediocre sex scenarios and weird good byes.
Your boyfriend did something for you that he didn't do for all his one night stands. He courted you. He didn't push for sex. That doesn't mean he wanted you less! Indeed, it shows he wanted you more!! He wanted to get to know you and wanted you to think more highly of him. He didn't want to use you as a quick fix for his self esteem issues. He actually waited until he felt an emotional connection, so that finally sex would mean something to him again and become the expression of affection rather than a simple act of physical, sexual release.
He changed his ways for you. He was ready for a committed relationship and you were the girl he had been waiting for. Be proud of that. Let it sink in and let it boost your self esteem, instead of making it a problem.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (2 May 2014):
Although he has had a lot of sexual partners he has been highly selective in choosing an actual partner. I do believe it is the depth of his previous hurt that contributed to those wild days. Comparing yourself is not relevant and the thing you bring that is different, is you. For women, most of the time, emotion is part of sex. Men can happily have sex with none. Sexburgers. When there is both love and sex it is the best gourmet meal ever. That is what he wants with you, he is a bit sick of fast food. If you need to, speak with a sex therapist as this seems like a great relationship and it would be a shame to waste it.
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