A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for just over a year. I constantly think about whether my husband is the right man for me. I was never really sure about him, even when we were dating and engaged. I can't decipher whether this is part of the process, or if I am in the wrong marriage. I am at the age where I should be having children, but I am so unsure I don't want to take that plunge, otherwise I would be ready. My husband is a very sweet, honest, and admirable man. He provides a great life for me, and is so considerate, and those are many of the reason I married him. But he doesn't mesmerize me, or make me laugh, or inspire me, and I don't know if that stuff is all fairytale, but I want it. When we meet he would do out of the blue, ridiculously sweet things for me, and well, it worked. Now he's just ordinary, not bad, but also not off-the-hook like he was in our first year together. He knows of my hesitations. We've had a small handful of discussions, and painfully I've learned the feeling is mutual. When we talked about it we felt so close to each other, so tender. But now, a month later I'm just going through the motions, not depressed, but not excited, and I always have my doubts top of mind. I feel like such a careless person for being in this situation and I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Hello. I am the person who sent the question. Thank you everyone for your responses and opinions. Its very needed and so helpful. We do "work on" our relationship already, and I certainly put in effort. I write the random love notes, make dinner/date reservations, plan our vaca's, have enough sexy lingerie for the whole country, and initiate being intimate with him. Maybe I do need to come back down to earth. I am so jealous of all you ladies out there who are so confident of your relationships. But happy for you too. =)
A
female
reader, AngellicaWaters +, writes (30 October 2009):
 All relationships have less exciting periods in them and some people settle for a life time of unexciting. If you want more than that, you will have to both make the effort for one another. You have to work at relationships, they don't just magically happen to be everything you have ever wanted and stay that way.
If you need to feel the things you did at the beginning of the relationship, tell your husband what he did that you liked so much then and that you need to have those things happen on a regular basis. Do the same thing in return for your husband, do random sweet and exciting things with him.
Have a set date night each week or each month where you do something new or go somewhere different each time. Look up romantic ideas together on the internet and do them. Work on making this exciting, because you will only get out of a relationship, what both of you put into it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Hi There,
Throughout my twenties I dated a handful of guys that were all very similar to your husband, they were sweet, honest and nice guys but I was never crazy in love with any of them. Two of these guys proposed to me and both times I was so unsure of if I was doing the right thing by turning them down.
Now, I'm forever thankful that I did. It took another few years but I did meet my prince charming. He is incredibly handsome, charming, intelligent and honest. We laugh like there is no tomorrow and have a wonderful relationship together! Because we were both quite 'picky' when it came to getting married neither one of us has any significant baggage and he is honestly the only man I've ever truly loved.
We have now been together for a few years and it just gets better and better, don't get me wrong we have our arguments and our ups and downs but knowing that this is the person that I intend to spend the rest of my life with makes a big difference.
So my advice to you is this - If you were in love with your husband when you first started seeing him then fight for your marriage. Do everything that you can to get that spark back! If you were never sure about him to start with then consider the option of leaving him, but if you do decide to leave him know that there are no guarantees, you may find the love of your life or you may never be able to find anyone better than your current husband - is that a risk you're willing to take?
Best of luck
x
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (30 October 2009):
Here's a reality for you... You can either put time into fixing this relationship, or you can go through the pain of ending this one, and the time to find your next BF. However, when you get to that point, you're still the same person, and odds are that you're not "fixed" yet, so you're more prone to make the same mistake another time (it's human nature!).
Work on this relationship- you'll be a whole lot better off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): sweetie you HAVE prince charming! Thats real life. You can trade him for some guy you meet in walmart that smells good and makes your heart flutter. But when the new wears off you will find that HIS socks stink, he uses toilet paper, and snores too. Work on what you've got, he sounds pretty charming to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): People like you are in love with falling in love - not so much about actually finding a great relationship and making it last.
Marriage/Long term relationships, they become familiar. In the beginning it's ALWAYS more exciting - being in your 30's you should ALREADY know this by now.
It happens to ALL relationships.
People always think it's greener on the other side.
My advice if everything else in your relationship is going great, don't loose what you got. Trust me, honey, the single's scene ain't all that great.
It's hard to meet men that are "wonderful men," that value commitment, etc.
Marriage is hard, MOST of the work is into keeping things interesting, making it work, keeping things alive.
You have really unrealistic expectations of what relationships are, the world isn't like it is in books and movies.
I think you're selling your guy short, he sounds like a great guy, if you don't want him - there's PLENTY of women that'd go for him, honey. Don't stay on account of him, he'll find someone else easily.
You, I'm not so sure - it sounds like you expect quite a lot but don't give any in return.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Sounds like you are struggling with "that spark". If you ever had it in your relationship I believe you can have it again. This will require your effort though.
Believe it or not he may not be dazzled with you either right now. Maybe that is part of why things don't have the fire you are longing for. This may come off as harsh but I said this because you put very little focus on what you are doing in the relationship to change things.
I think you should take some risks and shake things up. Challenge the status quot that you have both fallen into. Take a random trip, leave him a love note, have a fight and make up, have a food fight and screw like bunnies afterward (fill in the blank_______). All that may sound silly but change is good and it may take a little boldness on your part to set that in motion.
GET CRAZY WITH YOUR BAD SELF!
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