A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is gentle and makes me laugh, is loyal and sweet, helps me when I need it, makes sure I'm safe.I love him too, but things are getting just.. Ridiculously boring.I love going on walks when the weather is good, or to the beach, to a movie.My boyfriend on the other hand, stays home. Every. Single. Day. He still lives at home, as he is taking his major's. He doesn't do a single thing around the house, his sisters take care of it. The only thing he has to do is going to classes and getting his projects done in time, which he does.We have every afternoon free, as well as most weekends, so we spend quite some time together. Doing what? Watching TV and playing videogames. Mostly TV. I like doing that, but I can't do it every single afternoon.I'm bored to death. I keep proposing both cheap and fancy dates, crafts, gardening, shows. He either says he doesn't want it or he says maybe (just to give me puppy eyes the day we planned to go out and say he really doesn't feel like it). Either because the weather is bad, or because it's too hot, or he has a project due in a month, or he's tired, blablabla. I tried asking, planning it myself, getting mad, and literally BEGGING.He doesn't even want to come by my place, even when I tell him I'm alone (I'm also a college student living at home), because he doesn't do as little as getting dressed and make the 15 minute commute.All the sex I get is a quickie once every a couple weeks, where I can't get naked nor make noise because his family is just outside the room, or a rushed blowjob (and I am a very, very sexual person, I enjoy almost everything, but I need quality and frequence). This is making me extremely sexually frustrated, as he declines all my offers to come by my place to have actual passionate sex.Besides never wanting to do anything, he is perfect in everything. He is the most sweet, caring guy I ever met, but then there's this situation and I don't know what to do..I see friends that work 9-5 and even though tired, suck it up and go out because they actually want to have a bit of fun.I'm clueless.. What should I do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 May 2014):
 what should you do?
you end it when you can and are ready. It's never going to work... you are not compatible. Stop rowing the relationship boat and see what happens. In other words, do not call him. Do not ask to see him or go over to see him. Wait for him to come to you...see how long it takes...
You like going out and doing things.. he likes being home and doing NOTHING... both are fine. Just what's fine for HIM is not fine for you and what's fine for you is not fine for him...
it's just that you guys are way too different and have different needs and desires.
I get it. I like getting up early on the weekends going out for a bit then coming home and vegging on the couch.. my husband prefers to sleep all day on the weekends and stay up all night.. sometimes we pass in the hall, me getting up ad him going to bed... I've learned to make my own fun without him....
he likes to game at night after work and i'm too tired.. he's learned to game differently so I can be a couch potato....
if you can't get your guy to compromise at all, why bother trying to make it work?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): You are the female version of myself. I could have written your post; because you described everything I like, and expect from a partner in a relationship. Sex, fun, excitement, and romantic-time outdoors.
Now everyone gave up on your guy. Perhaps he is incompatible; but there is something going on here. He is hiding-away. Being so introverted, he was most certainly a loner and teased a lot. You don't describe his looks, but his behavior is way too familiar. He's your proverbial "indoors-man." I would bet my kidneys he can't dance!
I used to hide in books, run from class to the library, and fly below the radar of all the other students. He is the younger version of me. I joined the U.S. Air Force.
My fellow-soldiers took an instant liking to me. They couldn't wait to get me drunk, and corrupt my Catholic-boy innocence. So, they dragged me everywhere. Before I knew it, I always wanted to tag-a-long. Next thing you knew, they couldn't keep up with ME. He has never had anyone drag him out kicking and screaming. My dear, sometimes that's what it takes.
I cannot say this is exactly the case; but I have encountered the personality before. It was me! Not the sex part. I'm a sex-machine.
Everything you described about your boyfriend is classic "nerd" behavior. Some people prefer mind-stimulation over physical-stimulation. He doesn't like being in crowds, and he is ashamed to tell you that. He is shy and can only relate to you; but can only endure an academic setting if he has to be out of the house. The rest of the world? Only to a limited extent.
He has lived in his room most of his life, and never really got exposure to doing all those things you like to do. He resists doing them; because he is like a fish out of water, if he isn't indoors.
Because he is a sweet-guy, you won't push. You give-up what you want from him; so not to upset him. That's not fair!
His parents have coddled and sheltered him; and allowed him to hideout in his room to avoid life. He was teased in high school, no doubt. His introverted ways made him a loner; and that's a hard hard habit to break. He is resistant to doing things outside his comfort-zone. That's where someone like you is perfect for him. I may be wrong; but I used to be just like he is. I became everybody's pet-project. My friends took turns peeling away the layers of nerd I hid behind. It was a cozy safe place. It took the kindness of strangers to save my soul. Now I know what fun is. You wouldn't think I had two popular athletic-jocks for older brothers. They teased me to teach me to fight back; because they knew guys would mess with me. I had to give-in. People were relentlessly working to bring me out. I came out in more than one way. But that's another story.
Now I make friends easily, and have loads of ideas for dates. We're grilling on the bar-b this weekend. Some guy I met who knows how to build beautiful stone-walls and patios. He thinks I'm cool. Me...the former-nerd! Well, I'm still a nerd; but I get out often. I workout a lot. Guys are less likely to mess with me.
You could be good for this guy. You will introduce him to life. Pull him out of his shell, and show him what a good time is. If you don't, he will live-out his adult-life in his room, or in his parent's basement.
Before you write this guy off; please sit down and tell him everything that you've told us. Let him know that you have been patient, and you have accepted his world; now you want to invite him into yours.
Put your foot down, and don't take no for an answer. Ask him to take you to a movie, out to diner; and you will take him on a walk on the beach, and have a picnic under the stars. He can teach you about constellations. Tell him that in order to keep a cool girl like you, he has to give something back.
Each week, plan an unusual date. Whatever you like. Tell him if he keeps turning you down, you will walk away; and you will never look back. Mean it!
That would break your heart; but you are tired of minute-man sex, and a gerbil-style life in a habit-trail.
You are willing to split the cost of dates; but he has to meet you half-way. Cool girls like you can have any guy they want. He got lucky. So take him by the hand, and show him what life is like outside the habit-trail.
If he still refuses, take a deep deep breath; and leave him.
I'd ask you out, but I'm gay; and way too old for you. That, and you already have a guy!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 May 2014):
 I think Sage hit the nail on the head. YOU two aren't compatible. Not socially nor sexually.
He isn't WILLING to compromise AT ALL to keep you happy.
YOU, honey are rowing this relationship canoe on your own, going in circles.
Maybe this relationship has run it's course? I mean YOU can try and talk to him and TELL him that you have NEEDS. Sexual and social needs. I just don't see him going to actually TRY and make them happen for you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 May 2014):
 There are several "compatibilities" which are critical to a relationship. Two of them are: energy and sexuality/sensuality.... YOU, it seems, are missing both of these. The primary question .... that you, and only you... can answer for yourself, is.... are you willing to be frustrated about these two aspects of a relationship, FOREVER??????
If "yes," then have at it... you are agreeing to the frustration (and angst) of not having these two details in your life until/unless you change your mind.
If "no," then now you recognize the "price" that you will have to "pay" to stay in a "relationship" with this man. ONLY YOU, can make the necessary determination.....
Good luck..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 May 2014):
There are several "compatibilities" which are critical to a relationship. Two of them are: energy and sexuality/sensuality.... YOU, it seems, are missing both of these. The primary question .... that you, and only you... can answer for yourself, is.... are you willing to be frustrated about these two aspects of a relationship, FOREVER??????
If "yes," then have at it... you are agreeing to the frustration (and angst) of not having these two details in your life until/unless you change your mind.
If "no," then now you recognize the "price" that you will have to "pay" to stay in a "relationship"
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 May 2014):
 Is he suffering from depression? That would be my first question. Depression can cause a complete disinterest in any and all things.
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