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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone,Sorry this is a long post. I've been with my boyfriend for 7+ years. I love him very much, but I don't think he feels the same about me. Lately, I've been thinking about marriage. All of our friends are getting married, and they've been dating for a shorter time than we have. I'm 27 and he's 26. We both have good jobs, I have my own house. Before, his attitude whenever someone mentioned marriage was "that's scary". I tried not to let it bother me, but now after 7+ years of being together, I'm starting to think what is he so scared of? I straight up asked him and he couldn't give me an answer. He said "I don't know" and that he never really thought of it. I couldn't believe that he "never really thought of it". After 7 years, how could you not think about moving forward? I feel like he's just satisfied with how things are and isn't interesteed in moving on with the relationship. A little background...I had always been a little jealous. He's a good looking guy and very charming. It's just in his personality to be very friendly, almost to the point of flirty. And in a past relationship, I was cheated on. So yeah, I get a little jealous. He likes to go out to bars and clubs with his friends. I try so hard not to let it bother me, but it does. I know that he dances with other girls when he's out. A few years ago, I found out that he got a girl's phone #...a girl that he met at a bar. He went out with her to bars with his friend, and she didn't know about me. I only found out about it because he had left his phone in my car and I found a text message from her. I texted her back, and to make a long story short, she didn't know about me and that she said that they were "just friends". I don't know about you, but I felt like I was cheated on. He said he only did it because I was always accusing him of getting girls' phone #s whenever he went out. I ended up forgiving him and he stopped talking to her...but that's why it bothers me so much when he goes out to bars. And yet, he still does it even though he knows it bothers me. And he doesn't even bother to ask me. Sometimes, we'd even be spending the day together and he'd tell me that he's going out with his friends that night, and that he'll just come to my place afterwards. I feel like he thinks he's in college again. He's a professional...I don't know why he's got to do all of this stuff like a teenager. I guess my question is...how do I make the jealousy stop? The jealously is because of the insecurities I have in myself...I've gained a few lbs over the years (I'm 4'11 and weigh about 110lbs) so I feel unattractive. He recently became friends with a woman at work. She's about our age, but she's married. She invited us over for a pre-Thanksgiving thing at her and her husband's house. It turns out she's tall, skinny, blonde, and pretty. The exact opposite of me. So I've been having these pangs of jealously. He talks to her a lot and texts her a lot, too...even when they're at work. Plus the fact that it seems like he doesn't want to commit to this relationship (marriage) adds to the jealously/insecurity. It's driving me crazy...how do I stop?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2006):
This is your issue- not his. He is a professional, not a professional bore. He goes out to clubs and hangs around with his friends- major crime.
Why dont you just come out and tell him that he has to marry you instantly and that you plan to spend the rest of your lives snooping though his stuff? Because that sounds like where you are to me....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): Firstly, I think you know this already but neither of you has a right to impose your marriage wants on the other. Neither of you has a right to deprive the other of what they want, either. Marriage is important and tt's something you two discuss and decide upon together. So we have a problem here..two opposing set of life values. While there's nothing wrong with you wanting a marriage, the very, very least you need, is a man who wants to marry you. He's 26 years old, he's clubbing, drinking and has an occasional cheat. His behaviours are speaking loudly here. They are telling you-he's doesn't share your hopes, goals and future plans, dear. Right now, he's coasting along. So..how many more years do you plan to hold out? I'd say, if he's not on the same page as you, stop wasting time on this guy. Allowing more time to pass will only make you more frustrated and will embitter your heart. I think it's time to call this a day. Hard as it is to face, bad as it feels, each day that goes by proves that this floundering relationship will continue on without a marriage commitment. Get your jealousies in check (that stems from confusion and neediness) and try to work hard at becomeing stronger to the point that you no longer need to make excuses for your bf's bad behavior. Right now, you fear losing him. But you haven't much to lose do you? The way he treats you is not love. Cut him loose, heal recover and move on to finding a man who loves/cherishes and will commit to you and love you in the way you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): To anon below, I guess you think a man of 27 in a 7 year relationship should be able to live as a single guy and dance all night with other women who aren't his girlfriend, and leave her at home while he does this week after week, night after night, and then he can just drop in on her while she is asleep when he is ready to come home from the bar? He is a professional something, but it is not a professional bore to be committed to treating your significant other as a partner in your life and this should happen long before the 7 year mark and long before marriage or he just needs to be single again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006):
This is your issue- not his. He is a professional, not a professional bore. He goes out to clubs and hangs around with his friends- major crime.
Why dont you just come out and tell him that he has to marry you instantly and that you plan to spend the rest of your lives snooping though his stuff? Because that sounds like where you are to me....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): One more thing that burns me up, you are insecure about being you, a petite young thing....and are comparing yourself to tall blonde women....well how are you going to make yourself into her? Stop it.
The fact that you are feeling this way in your relationship and blaming yourself for just being insecure is telling me and you a lot about the health of your relationship.
If someone really loves you, they love YOU, skinny or fat, short or tall....if he is not treating you with love and respect you need to demand it and move on.
There is someone out there just like him only better, wtih more character and a more loving spirit. The only worse thing than wasting 7 years of your life with this guy is wasting 7 years and one day....I know because I have been there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): Hi, I have LOT of experience with this. When I was 23 I met by boyfriend and it lasted 11 years. We did not get married although he asked at about year 10...and by that time I had matured and realized that I had been fooling myself, that this man did not have the character, the whole package that I wanted and deserved. He is Italian/Irish boy from New York, I am a MidWesterner, and what I did not get about him is that he was raised by his father to think of women as second class citizens, and that he could cheat and I should just accept it,,,,he ended up marrying a Hispanic woman whose culture teaches women to put up with this in their men, so perfect he is happy and they have three girls.
My point is, this guy cheated on you and then he turned it around on you as it was your fault for accusing him, what a master manipulator. He comes home to your place after a night of drinking and womanizing because you LET him. He has dated you for 7 years and not thought of marriage because YOU LET him. You have convinced yourself because he is so good looking that you are LUCKY to have him and that if you don't behave you will lose him to some better looking woman and after all, he would deserve that because he is so good looking....what a crock. The guy has you right where he wants you. If you want things to turn around, WALK OUT AND KEEP ON WALKING, SHUT THE DOOR IN HIS FACE WHEN HE COMES OVER UNANNOUNCED STOP BEING A DOORMAT.
Frankly, I don't think you really know what you are asking for, be sure that he is what you want for the rest of your life, someone that does not cherish you is not going to make you happy....think about this hard, but either way, stop letting him get away with his bad behavior. Command his respect, be less available as he has not enough passion for you and your relationship, he is not having to do any work to keep you or show you his true feelings, maybe because they are not as deep as you think they are for him, maybe he is just that shallow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): Hi
I know where you are coming from. I found out my bloke of 2 years who lives with me joined a dating agencey. I have forgiven him but.
I do worry like you I have put weight on and feel frumpy.(this can change
Does he just go out with his "friends"
If yes you must start doing things as a couple
And you must start putting yourself first. Treat yourself feel good and aim to lose that weight cause as it is a new year make it a new you.
Let him feel jealousy
and if that don't work leave him and find someone who loves you and wants to give you the stars.
I am planing to do this. new me a
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