A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm really concerned about my girlfriend and the future of our relationship.The background is this: Her family has never approved of her very much. If she didn't get perfect grades, it was reason to ground her - and by that I mean confined to her room with nothing to do every evening for several days. They don't think she's "doing all she can do" with the college program she's in with me. They think a lot of her friends are "Below her level." They don't approve of me, because they think a boyfriend "holds you back" or distracts you from pursuing yourself. And so on. Basically, even to this day, her family gives her little to no approval, and they always find things she "did wrong" to ridicule her about.The problem is this is affecting us. When I try to talk to her about something that is going wrong with us, she snaps into defensive mode and we never make any progress. One primary example. When she visits home, which is usually on weekends but right now, since school is out, could be for weeks or even months, she will not respond to me. She doesn't answer texts even days later, she deliberately ignores phone calls and voicemails, and so on. The reason she's given for this in the past is that she doesn't want to deal with the why-she-shouldn't-date lecture from her mom, and her mom is the type who questions her every time her phone makes a noise. While I understand this predicament, not being in contact with her for days at a time is not OK with me. So I've told her that I'm not expecting hour long phone calls or anything, but a text, email or a quick call to let me know how she is and what she's been doing would be fine. Even if it means waiting till everyone is sleeping, or sneaking outside in the back yard, whatever. She seems to think this is an unreasonable expectation...Whenever I bring up MY concerns about our relationship, this being one of them, she immediately gets defensive and accuses me of being controlling or guilt-trippy. And sometimes she'll flat out say "I never do anything right! Even for you!" It's clear this is almost fully related to the lack of approval from her family. She tries so hard - too hard - to get it from then and they don't deliver. But because of that, she is almost expecting me to provide 100% approval, which I can't do. She does do a lot of things right - but she's focusing on the things she does wrong, and I think it's because she's been forced to do that for so long.All I expect of her career-wise is that she find what makes her happiest and then put her all into it. If she tries hard and still only pulls a B, I'm still proud of her for trying hard and putting in good effort. IF she decided to drop out of college and just take a job at McDonalds? I'd be fine with that! As long as she was dedicated to what she decides to do and works hard at it, I have no reason to complain about her career choice. So most of the things her parents disapprove of her on, I do approve of her on. But the thing is, since she's not getting ANY approval from her family, she seems to expect 100% approval from me, and if I try to express my needs or expectations, she feels like it's me being controlling or guilt-tripping her. Often what happens is when she is back from visiting her family, we will finally agree to talk, and she apologizes and promises to work on it...but that never happens. I feel like this is because when she's with me in person, she IS getting my approval - by me being present, holding her hand, talking to her, paying attention to her, and all of those things. She's wanting her family to give her attention and affection too, and she's not getting it, so when she's around her FAMILY, she puts all efforts into that, at the expense of our relationship and even her friends.This has always been a sticky situation, but it's actually gotten a lot worse since her mom was sick and she spent some time helping take care of her mom. Which was fine, I understood she needed to do that. But since then, she is trying even harder than ever to get her family's approval (and not getting it), and in turn, lashing out a lot more at me if I just try to explain how I feel. I want to help her somehow with this. Simply sitting back and taking it isn't going to work, because that'll just make me miserable, but there has to be something I and we can do to help her through this. I am able to be patient, and I have been being patient for a while, but there also needs to be some point where change happens! I know this won't be able to change for her overnight, but short of basically kissing her ass, what can I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): OP posting again.I appreciate your comments and I certainly respect your opinions, but I think I need to elaborate a bit more here. Why do I feel her family is being unreasonable? Because of the effects I see on her. I have seen her so stressed that she has become physically ill - over a single B on an otherwise A-studded report card. And when I say physically sick, I mean the whole bit - vomiting, shaking, sweating, curling up in the fetal position, crying, you name it. She once called me saying she feels worthless and stupid because she got a B on a single ASSIGNMENT. I finally got to see the actual assignment - she was terrified I'd judge her "like her family did" - and in the end, this assignment was worth... 10 points out of a class total of 500. So effectively, she lost one point. Still plenty of points to get an A. But it threw her into such a physical state of stress. THIS is why I am upset and concerned with her family's expectation.Another important point. Sneaking around? Yes. She already HAS to do that with me. Her parents don't want her dating, because she might lose that single point out of 500 if she does. She is very secretive about our relationship, even though we're 2 years in. She totally freaked out once when we were spending time in the lounge working on a homework project together. Why? Because a friend stopped by and asked her how her mom was doing, and said "I'll call her later and say hi." She ended up getting up and running out without even saying anything to me at all. When I called her to just ask if she was OK and if something happened, she first snapped at me and picked a fight, then after a few minutes she calmed down and explained that she is terrified that her friend might mention to her mom that we were spending time together. "We were doing homework, but my mom won't believe that. She'll think we were making out or something. And I'll get a lecture about being inappropriate on campus, even though we weren't doing anything, she won't believe me."Here's the thing. I dated a girl in the past who was abusive this way to me. Everything I did was "wrong" to her. She was constantly lecturing me about how she felt about things I did or even things she THOUGHT I did that I hadn't done. If my GF thinks me wanting to talk to her once a day is bad, I've certainly seen the other side of it - this ex would freak out if I didn't call her back within five minutes. The simple fact that her call went to voicemail would make her angry. So, I totally understand being on edge constantly because of someone in your life who's constantly on your tail. For quite some time, I stayed with this girl because I felt some kind of "obligation" towards her. That's kind of what I feel like my GF is experiencing with her family. The difference? I had the option to breakup with that girl - which I did when it finally got to be too much. My GF does not have the option to "break up" with her family. She is basically forced to deal with this. She knows that, too, which makes it that much harder.My problem? I can be patient, yes. But, I'm concerned, as I said in the original post, about the FUTURE of the relationship. Her family doesn't give her approval, and as it seems, they likely never will. So, seriously. What will happen in a few years if we decide to get engaged? She'll have to hide that from her mom too? What if we simply decide to go on a weekend trip together? She'll have to lie to her mom and give her some story about why she's not visiting home. And if her mom DID find out it was to spend a weekend with me, then she'd get a day-long lecture in a raised voice about pregnancy and staying away from "shady guys" and all of that stuff. (For the record, I've never EVER forced an advance on her, and she knows it, and even told me early in our relationship that she had a lot of respect for me because I didn't come off like "most guys" who just want some.)Now, more in the present. What makes it so hard right now? She promises things and then doesn't follow through, and expects me to accept the unspoken, implied apology. Basically I feel like the expectation on me is if we make plans and she can't make it (because of the fear of family issue), she'll just not even call or text to let me know that. And it's my job to just assume she couldn't make it, then accept the unspoken apology, and then eventually move on like it never happened. THIS is not OK to me. I can empathize with her issue with her family. But, is there anyone who would say it's fair to be stood up, even for these kinds of reasons? At that point, what's so hard about a quick text to just say "Sorry, I can't make it, my family is doing this/that again, explain later" and then follow up later when she has a chance?Now, here's what I'm willing to do for her, and I need to figure out a way to express this. If she truly would rather just have a week or two off, to spend with her family, then she needs to be honest about that. She needs to just straight up say to me "Hey, I really need a week with my family, so could you please not contact me for a week unless it's an emergency? I will call you or text you when I get back." That might annoy or hurt me, but I could accept it, because she was honest. My only expectation would be that she does follow through with the call or text when she does get back and has time for us again. Other than that, I at least would know what to expect. I'd know that she isn't going to talk to me for however many days or weeks, and I could make sure I'm not making plans with her that won't be followed through on. Isn't this a fair expectation?And as I said before, I still worry about the whole thing going forward. I don't know how she'll ever deal with the overstrong pressure she has put on her by family. I feel like no amount of understanding on my part, other than being totally passive and accepting of EVERYTHING while getting NOTHING in return, will ever be enough - and even that may not be sufficient to help her, because she will still have the family pressure that she can't "break up" with like I said.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Yours IS an unreasonable expectation ! Sneaking out in the backyard, waiting till everybody's asleep...why should she indulge you in playing Romeo and Juliet ? When you can simply WAIT a couple of days and you'll talk to her on Mondays, what's the big deal.
Sure , now it could be weeks , even months.... I think that's your needyness talking, I don't believe for a sec that she would leave you MONTHS without a word, sure communications may be limited , less than you could expect in other situations, but I believe that , in extended periods of time, she'll do her very best to stay in touch, how , when and as much as she can, , because that's her fondest wish too, - only she does not want to stir up trouble at home, since her parents don't approve of her dating in general, and, I suspect, of dating you in particular.
You are pressuring her unnecessarily , and cornering her into chosing between you and her family. When a little bit of patience and independence would be enough.
If " not being able to have daily contact with gf " is a dealbreaker for you- then break up. Otherwise, accept that it's not all about what YOU want and feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): While she is attending college, her family is going to closely monitor her progress. That's what parents do. If you are pressuring her and telling her what she should be doing, you are only putting her in the middle, and causing her more harm than you know.
You are placing this poor girl in an emotional tug-of-war
between you and her parents. They are not villains for wanting her success and what's best for her. Your opinion is irrelevant. Your girlfriend will decide when she feels she has time for you. She understands her parents. She also has her own goals.
It is not your responsibility to decide what is appropriate for her parents to do. If she becomes defensive, respect her space. She has a mind of her own, and if she gets upset with you; it's by her own choosing. Don't fault her parents when she is thinking independently and disagrees with you.
If she doesn't spend a lot of time on the phone when she is home; that may be her time away from you, and she needs her own space. When she's at school she spends most of her time with you. You talk as if she is some empty-headed puppet and she can't make her own personal decisions. I doubt that is true.
How is suggesting that she sneak around in defiance of her parent's presumed house rules, convincing her that they aren't right about you? Like it or not, they are keeping her focused. She decides when she has had enough. That's not up to you.
If you think her parents don't approve of you; why would you attempt to influence her to do anything that you know may cause friction for her at home?
They may be right about you.
You feel you should be at the center of her attention. Her studies should be her first priority during the college semester. If this situation does not suit you; then you have the choice to remove yourself. She may be distracted and not performing up to her fullest academic potential.
Her parents know the reason, and so does she. Her needy boyfriend.
Her GPA is important. It will determine if she is a candidate for her choice of graduate schools; or her eligibility for scholarships. This may be why her parents are placing such pressure on her to succeed academically.
She will rebel when she has had enough. It's early in her academic career; so her focus on her studies is crucial.
Maybe you're now realizing, it's not all about you and what you want. She is attending college for more reasons than keeping you happy.
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