A
male
age
41-50,
*immy28
writes:I am 31 years old and have been dating a 29 year old girl for about 2 months. We get on really well and have become quite serious and have discussed marriage etc. I formed the impression she has had quite a few sexual partners (we also slept together on the first night). After some discussion she revealed she has had 30+ sexual partners.I was stunned. I have had about 7. I am realistic I would never end up with a virgin and I told myself not to think about it or dwell on it. I cant help it but it is driving me crazy. I expressed this to her and at my request she has even gone into detail about many of her experiences.She tells me the love and connection she feels for me she has never felt before. I believe her( I think. She will do anything to be with me.I feel I can really love this girl except I cannot stop thinking about this issue. I am not even sure why it bothers me. I realise this is MY problem not hers. She told she is glad to have gone through all those guys to finallly meet me.Will these thoughts fade with time? Why am I feeling like this?Please help......
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Don't ask any more questions! It's a shame she told you all those details... they're only going to make this worse. But stop now.
This happens often. Your question comes up almost daily here. I write about it a great deal, having been there myself once. You can look through my post history. Here's a couple of the better answers:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010):
You want a wife who has not slept around for the same reason you want a wife who is in her fertile attractive years. Evolution.
These feelings took millions of years to form. They were very beneficial to your ancestors during all that time. Modern medicine removed the need for them just within the last single lifetime. It's going to take a little longer for your mating preferences to reprogram.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): Dude..here is my advice. I felt the same way once. And I lost a a woman I realy loved because I ended up leaving. I thought, I want to sow my wild oats too. Truth is, I still regreat the break up. So I did sow my wild oats and now I"m with a woman who has half as many partners as me, and let me tell you that feeling doesn't go away until you trust the person. So it took me a whiel to trust my girl, I do. The sex is great, I don't think about it. I just tell her not to talk about her past, I asked her to get rid of all contact with past men, she did. She had no problem with it. It's when you begin to trust the person that the feeling goes away.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 I think that I would just give the relationship a lot of time to see if it endures; with no commitments in the near term.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): Your number is average and hers is WAY over it.
These kinds of mismatches are not always a problem but they certainly can be. You may be able to get over it if you can learn to process it in a different light. It won't ever stop bothering you, it can just either be tolerated or it can't.
Forget about ego, insecurity, jealousy, etc. Underneath all those surface reasons you and her have different attitudes towards sex and the appropriate time for it. If you shared her perferences then you would have a lot more partners. If she shared yours then she would have a lot less.
You don't need to apologize for your preference and neither does she. Either you find it a tolerable drawback with this partner or you do not.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (26 June 2010):
 You should try to fix this issue before you commit to this relationship. Think would your life be better without her in it. Once you move forward be aware that you committed knowing of her past and shouldn't hold it against her. She has shown you her honesty and is showing you how much she cares for you don't let this get in the way.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 I am also 29 and I believe I am westernized. We live in a liberated world but sometimes cannot help but think that sex has become cheapened and too casual. You have only been dating for 2 months. This has moved too quickly. You are worried that since she's so experienced, she has done everything you can think of and the element of surprise is no longer there. It will be hard to keep up with her expectation of the next level of more excitement. Get to know her better. Does she love you for you, or does she love the money, or she just wants a baby? If you decide to marry her in the future, be honest about your feelings. Rather than trying to push images of other men away, deal with it head on, look at it as a dream. Nothing threatens you physically when you are aware that you are inside a dream. Keep reminding yourself that the number of men she had had does not change how much she loves you. Maybe you made her feel for the first time, how good sex feels when two people are in deep love. So in a way you made her feel like a virgin again.
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