A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok. This is really hard for me.I am 28, and I have never had a serious relationship. I have had two boyfriends, neither of which was a sexual relationship. I live at home due to the fact that I am studying for a postgraduate degree, so cannot afford my own place and I feel really low.I feel like I am a non-woman. If I fancy a guy, they never seem to be interested in me. They always want to be my friend, never my lover, or my boyfriend, and I have made a fool of myself numerous times because I have suggested we go out, and been told, I like you, but not like "that". It is really getting me down, and there are days when I can think of nothing else except how lonely, unsexy and unloved I feel. I try not to wallow, but I am getting to the age where all my friends are either married, engaged or in a serious relationship, and it is really difficult to see them all being happy and loved up. I have never felt that, and sometimes I do get jealous, which I know is stupid.I am not ugly, I may not be the skinniest of people, but I am not fat, and I am intelligent and independent. What is wrong with me? My mum tells me not to be so selfish, and that I should be grateful for what I have, and the opportunties that I have in my life. She thinks that if I have a boyfriend that I will throw my whole life away and end up with no career, being a single mother. I am so frightened that I am going to end up a career woman, working my whole life and coming home to an empty house. I dont want to end up an old spinster who has never had a loving relationship.Can anyone offer some advice as to how I can feel better about my situation? I just feel like I am slowly going mad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): First of all you're far away from becoming an 'old spinster' as you put it. Society's emphasis on youth has made people from 20+ starting to feel old already, which is completely messed up. You're just getting started!
Don't put boundaries on yourself. Right now you're telling yourself that because you've never had a loving relationship, you must be unsexy, etc. Don't do that. It's not true.
You're young and ambitious. Many ambitious people get relationships LATER in life than others because they focus on their career first instead of the other way around. That's a good thing. How many people end up in a relationship, then struggle to fulfill their ambitions because they all let it pass them by in the name of love and making babies? A lot. How many parents end up pushing their children towards a goal they wanted to get to but never did?
Stop wallowing in self pity. Get yourself together, because you have many good qualities that are threatened to be overshadowed by this state you're in.
Just because the average 16 year old has a bf and has dabbled in sex doesn't mean that's a desired standard. So loosen up. If you're desperate, people will notice and will in turn ignore your efforts, which leads to disappointment for you, etc. You're in a cycle here. That's your problem. You need to get out of it and start appreciating yourself more. Get yourself pampered, treat yourself to something nice like an evening out where you can socialize or try a new sport. You're never too late to start something new.
Don't look for love. It will happen. If you let it.
A
female
reader, Tiff34  +, writes (23 May 2010):
I'm going thru the same concerns and I'm 39. I am a professional and have always wanted and still want to marry some day, although I’ve never really been concerned about having children. I'm beginning to believe that it's may not be in God's plan for me. Where is it written that everyone must be married? Where is it written that everyone will get married? It's not in the Bible and definitely not in any law books (that I know of). The fact of the matter is that we may not get everything we want in life and often times do not get everything we want in life. Why should marriage and children be any different? I know this is perhaps not what you wish to hear, but this is how I'm coming to grips with my situation and you may want to follow suit. I could tell u that the man of your dreams may be right around the corner (like some of the other posts), but I don't believe anyone can guarantee that. I heard a quote the other day by Anthony Bourdain, host of Travel Channel's No Reservations series:"You take, I guess, as many bites of the world as you can...the rest maybe in the next life" This quote sums it up for me. Perhaps I won't get a "taste" marriage in this life, but who knows what lies on the other side.So my advice is to be strong and take solace whatever morsels you can taste in this life. Who knows...marriage may be one of them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale anon, thanks for your kind advice. You have made me feel slightly better about it all. I know how to flirt, and I do know when guys are flirting, its just they never do it with me. Even just having someone to flirt with and a bit of banter would bring a smile to my face.
Califnan - I have tried online dating, and personally I think it is a total cattlemarket, and very superficial. Its like internet shopping. This is not how a relationship should be started. My experience with internet dating, was of uneducated, stupid men, who were either too old, or after a cheap date. (this was match.com). I am not willing to degrade myself just to find a partner. Like female anon says, I expect a lot from myself and I work very hard, and I expect any partner to be the same. The majority of men on these sites, really do not have the same ethics as I do in what a relationship should be about.
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A
female
reader, califnan +, writes (20 September 2009):
 You are channeling your energies in the right direction. You would never date someone just for the sake of it .. Sounds like you are headed straight for marriage.. In your lonely times do you have just enough time to join one or two of the online singles' sights.. pof.com is free, match.com - there is a charge.. You would just download your picture and fill out a few pages about yourself.. From that time on - you could communicate via email.. Pray to God that He will bring you the desires of your heart.. Everything will fall into place..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): I wrote that I felt I was in the same situation as you, I just wanted to add something following your response to everyone. I'm no Giselle, but I'm ok looking. I have zero experience with men. During my studies I also put minimal effort into my appearance for uni as I'm more worried about doing my pre class reading etc, but since the MSc finished (I have to stay on for 2 more modules) I found out trhat 2 guys quite liked me. I'd say I share some of your traits, I'm friendly, very open and I speak to everyone. But because I have zero man interaction I can never tell when someones flirting with me! I demand a lot from myself and as a result I ask a lot in the person I hope to settle down with, so I side with you about not going out with men just to get the experience-i don't have the time and don't want to mess with that persons feelings. But just because "the" person hasn't revealed themselves yet, doesn't mean that no one finds you attractive. Maybe we both have to set aside time for ourselves too, so we can take time to make ourselves feel better about ourselves, give ourselves some tlc! Its totally true that the best thing a person can do for themselves is learn to love themselves, the rest will come :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I know I just have to be patient. There are just some days when I feel like a total freak and I just feel like a working machine. My PhD takes up most of my time, along with my part time work so I rarely socialise. I work hard because I want a good career, but then I work more than I should to stop me feeling so lonely.
I just feel so low, because I never get male attention (and I know thats selfish and vain). Its like they just dont see me as a woman, just as someone who is a great friend, someone they can rely on, talk to, tell me their problems. I will always get the job done, and I am reliable. But I could be a bloke, or an alien for all they would care about finding me attractive.
Its good to know that I am not the only one going through this. I think because I am very inexperienced with men and relationships, I feel that I am never going to have that side of life, which everyone else seems to take so much for granted. I am not willing to settle for second best, and I would never date someone just for the sake of it, but, no one ever comes along who is remotely interested.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): Sorry my gramar really leaves much to be desired, finishined=finishing
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): Oh wow, did I write this? I'm just finishined my MSc, and I am living at home with my mum. Most of my friends are married with kids. I worked like a dog for 3 years and realised I was sacrificing a big part of my social development by focusing so much on work. My MSc was a way to pay some attention to me and hopefully have some time to see what happens for my personal life. So far nothing has happened! Lol. Anyway, I just wanted to offer some consilation in that you're not the only one in this situation...and you know what? Its ok! This isn't back in the day when you had to get married at 20! I'm sure you'll find some one, especially now that you've identified it as a goal for yourself. You've achieved all your other goals so I am sure this will be no different.
I'll achieve it too. :)
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (20 September 2009):
 Attitude is everything. Write down a list of all the things you like about yourself... all the compliments you've ever received that meant alot to you... all the things you've ever achieved that mean something to you,... seriously... yeh it sounds a bit therapy-ish but damn, it makes you feel great re-reading this list whenever you feel down and adding to it day by day as you remember/receive more compliments. If you feel happier then you'll seem happier to others... and there's nothing more attractive to a decent guy than a happy care-free, independent woman...And mothers are there to protect us over-zealously, but its your life, so go nuts and have fun! Join a ballroom dancing class, take up tennis or another mixed social sport, even if you're crap, (like myself, lol), you meet new people, have a laugh with others and at yourself, you've really got nothing to lose aye! Unfortunately the worst thing about love is that its hard to find when you're looking for it, but ironically when you're being carefree and not looking for it that it stumbles onto your doorstep at the most inconvenient time, (in my experience).As with the above replies, try dating websites. You sound like you've got a lot going for you, frankly you sound like a catch, so just be carefree, have fun and relax aye :)Best of luck!JT
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (20 September 2009):
 When you are feeling low... tell yourself what you've said here...
You said that you are intelligent, independent and have good looks.
You are studying to get a masters degree which means you will get a decent job when you are done. You have a lot to offer!!!!!!!!!
Find some sort of dating service and keep plugging away at it until you find your mate. I met my wife online through an online dating service. You may have to be patient with this. I met a lot of people before I found the one, but I kept at it and found the one.
You'll find the one. Just be patient and confident.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (20 September 2009):
 There's nothing wrong with you. I think some men get intimidated by intelligent women, and so they respect you and want you as a friend but not as a girlfriend or mate.
Everything's attitude. You need to focus on finishing up your program, but try and find time for yourself to go out and just socialize with people somewhere in your professional range. Meaning people who are in professions but not necessarily the one you're studying for.
You can try online dating, there are many sites out there that will help you find the right guy. eHarmony seems to be one of the more successful ones.
The point is, that there's nothing wrong with you. Your friends are going to do what they do, and they are living different lives than you are.
Sooner or later you'll get your own place, and with the right man in your life, you won't worry about being a spinstress.
You seem like a very nice woman and some men would love to have an intelligent and industrious gal like you in their life.
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A
female
reader, califnan +, writes (20 September 2009):
Well you are really on the right track - striving to be self-supporting after your schooling.. Not to worry .. when it happens it might be really fast.. You may meet someone and then get married right away .. I realize it is harder to be comfortable dating - while living at home.. But just to be sure you are keeping all doors open - there are all kinds of internet sights for exposure such as pof.com, facebook.com, classmates.com.. If you haven't met someone during your schooling, maybe you will meet him with your job..
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