A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Help! I need some advice about my mothers controlling attitude!I'm 26 and live at home but am currently house hunting so I'mhoping some of my issues will subside,My mum has a way of making everyone feel guilty and ever since I was small I remember her being this way, always controlling, giving hercopinion even when not asked for and if u didn't do what she said her comeback is " well don't come crying to me when it goes wrong". She also put the fear of god in to me and my brother and we both suffer with anxiety orders- luckily over the past 2 years we have both gotten better.2 weeks ago she wasn't feeling well but the next day she got up early on the sunday and made a huge roast dinner! Then she moaned that no one appreciates her. However the night before we did tell her not to worry about cooking and we would sort ourselves out but did she listen NO!!!She acts like she is a martyr and always puts herself out so she can whinge and people tell her how great she is!! She always wants praise!!!And just now a prime examp - she came over and asked me what I was writing I made up something and she wanted to know the INS and outs!!! Grrr..... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, boo22 +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Hi there, I can relate to your problem poster.My advice is to get a place on your own or with a friend asap. While you're living under her roof things won't improve I wouldn't have thought.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (18 April 2010):
 When you move, do not allow your mother to make you feel guilty for leaving because this will be your next hurdle. Understand that your mother's attitude is a reflection of her own issues. If she chooses to live the rest of her life feeling like she's a victim, that's her problem. Don't make it yours. Don't allow her issues to trap you and keep you from enjoying your life; you do not owe it to her to make yourself miserable because it gives her joy to control your life.
When your mother starts whining and crying about your decision to move out, explain to her that you love and appreciate her, but she's not always going to be around and you need to learn to live as an adult. She's not helping you become a responsible adult by keeping you safe from the world and not allowing you to make and learn from your own mistakes.
Don't offer to call or visit everyday; if you do, you're putting yourself back into her trap. You have to teach her that using guilt is an unacceptable way to interact with you. If you call/visit and she begins to go on a tirade about how unloved and unappreciated she is, leave or end the telephone conversation. Make it clear through your actions that you will limit the amount of time you spend with her if she tries to manipulate or control you.
The key to this situation is to move out and move on. You and Celtic Tiger should get a place together!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): Hi, I wrote this. Thankyou all for your advice. Most of you hit the nail on the head and I will put in to practice your suggestions.Marie claire..... I have read some of your replies to others post and you are completly entitled to your opinion but you are very hurtful with your responses... You don't know the in and out of mine and my brothers situation when we were growing up. But let me tell u this, when your mum doesn't want u catching the bus with other kids incase the bus has an accident or u get kidnapped on the way home then that does put ideas in your head and make u scared to use public transport. Or when u got a friends house for dinner and your mum tells you not to eat any chicken that is cooked incase you get food poisoning or tells u to make sure their kitchen us clean. Or even when she convinces u that getting near a stray animal will put u in hospital because it might have some disease that u can catch... The list goes on. So before being so blunt think before you speak.I take full responsability with my life now and have a successful job- despite being told by guess who that with my lack of confidence I wouldn't get far.
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A
female
reader, Just Diana  +, writes (18 April 2010):
 Get your won place as soon as you are able to afford it. And live your authenticity. The sooner you act like the adult you are the sooner your mother's power play will shift.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (18 April 2010):
 You are 26 and a grown woman, and what you do is your business. You can tell your Mum the truth and shouldn't be afraid of her. If she disagrees then tough! You know what is best for you.
She sets herself up for things like this to happen and moans because she wants attention, and by the sound of things, she gets it! Stop giving her this attention and she will hopefully get bored of acting this way.
You also said that she drummed religion into you and your brother. Believe as you want to, and if she doesn't love you then she isn't a true Christian/Jew/Whatever religion she claims to be.
The sooner you move out, the better. But stand up to her, because she is acting like a teenager. You are the mature one =]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): Your situation is a classic! So many people deal with this.
Al things being equal, she should be handled precisely how you would handle someone whom you do not know, doing the same things. You wouldn't put up with it if some one you don't know did that. If you rolled into a coffee shop and the person in front of you in line turned around and asked you the same questions, and judged you the same way, you would do what - ignore him, or get your coffee and blow out of there and avoid the guy if you ever saw him.
So there's no difference between your mother and any other person, frankly. Handle her disrespect the same way you would handle it with any one else: zero tolerance. At 26, personal questions to you are a privilege of whom you choose as a friend. Turning your back or remaining silent, is a right you have as an adult.
I came home from three years of college and stayed at my mother's for nine months while I got my professional feet on the ground. It was hell, because she did all this same stuff. Then one day I thought, "It doesn't matter if she's doing me a financial favor, she should treat me with respect." and then things changed. And this is how: whenever she spoke to me with anything less than respect and kindness, I actually ignored her entirely. I pretended she wasn't even in the room. Then, she couldn't handle that and got physical; blocking doors, standing in my face yelling. Since she demanded a response, I would flatly look at her and lie by agreeing with her in one word: "Okay." I didn't fight back, said nothing, just let her be in her world of hate and misery. Then she would push her point further and all I would say is an agreeable, "Okay." until she physically moved out of my way. Then, I would not do what she was demanded if I didn't want to, even if I said okay.
Remember that any response to a psycho actually supports and enables that behavior to continue. So minimize all interaction TO your mom to take the power away from her and hand it back to you, even if she doesn't like it. When you first start doing it, she'll get even crazier, but that's the way it goes, and then after a sustained period of your consistent ignoring ALL crazy stuff, something will give, and whatever it is, let it. Because your mother is just as responsible for becoming a healthy person as any one else.
Of course the previous posters gave the real answer: move out. Being an adult, you get to choose the people you live with, or don't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): It can be hard for us mothers to let go. I know she is driving you nuts, but try talking to her, she could be feeling be bit redundant in her role of being your mum, you have to find a way to move on to the next stage of your life together. I do agree though MAL that moving out is a good idea to put some space between you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): I'm not allowed to go out if mum doesn't know where i am going and who with etc ... i'm 25 lol. Ah well, as much as she annoys me i know it comes from a place of love :) Your mum most likely doesn't realise how annoying she is being, my mum has a habit of picking too and making comments that she won't be there if all falls to pieces - yet if i was to make similar comments, guess who gets slapped? me lol. I think she cares and its just a case of moving out to show her you are an adult capable of making your own decisions and handling things - whilst still living with her, its a case of either pointing it out or learning to shut up + put up with it. Sorry i am not much help besides saying you are not alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): you need your own place. Your mum needs to get a life and stop trying to control yours...but theres no way to make that happen. Can you find someone to room with that could help with the bills?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (18 April 2010):
 I am the same age as you, and I live at home. And my Mother is EXACTLY the same. I understand totally how you feel.
Who are you talking to? What are you doing? Where are you going? WHO is that?
She just HAS to know EVERYTHING about your life, and if you dont tell her, she gets all huffy, upset and says you are being secretive, right?
I dont know the answer, but I think it will be much better when you are able to be independant, and have your own space.
Good Luck!!!!
Tiger xx
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