A
female
age
41-50,
*indue
writes:Ok so here goes....my boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. I'm 29 and he's 33. We've both been married before (me for 1 yr, him for 7 yrs) in love-less marriages.I have huge doubts about our relationship and I broke off our engagement two weeks ago. I leveled with him: I told him the honest truth, that I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and that although I find him attractive, I'm not attracted TO him....there's no spark and there never has been. I've tried to buffalo myself into thinking its a slump that all relationships go through - that eventually the 'spark' leaves all couples and you're left with the real world.I just feel like history is repeating itself with my ex husband: we had a ton in common, got along great, his mom was crazy and caused a lot of problems, I was never attracted to him and sex was just something we 'had to do', we were both so busy with work and school and life that we didn't stop to think about our relationship and if marriage was right for us at the time. Everything lines up with my current bf compared to my ex and it just freaks me out!!I don't want to re-marry because it's the 'right thing to do' or because he loves me enough for the both of us.To make matters worse, we have a baby together - our son was a pleasant mistake and we try really hard to be the best parents we can....He's all in all a great guy and an excellent dad, but he does have problems that are hard for me to overlook...When I was pregnant, I found out that he had a porn surfing problem. This didn't help my already fragile state of mind and it's been hard to get over, especially since I caught him red-handed the day before our anniversary last year. He started going to counseling but after he first session I caught him doing it again! I threatened that I'll leave him and take our baby with and move back to my home state, half way across the country. He stopped and hasn't (as far as I know) ever since. But why did it have to take me to threaten our relationship for him to stop - he knew it hurt me but he didn't stop based on that!?Also, he has a slight drinking problem and I fear it'll get worse over the years. Every day he has at least 3 beers and even when he's watching our son, he'll drink. When he runs out of beer, he'll go to martinis or some other liquor and even though he denies it, I've seen him buzzed quite frequently with booze on his breath. His mom has a big drinking problem and I know that it's to a degree hereditary. I worry that 5 or 10 years from now he will be a raging alcoholic because he cannot stop and he uses it to 'wind down', which is one reason for an addiction in the first place (just like his porn obsession).The third thing is that he is selfish. Little things, too numerous to recount, he will do that just shows me that he cares more about himself than me or our son.After breaking up the engagement, his first concern was if I moved out, how could he pay the bills? Last night we had another talk and he said he'll sell my ring set to buy an iPhone....that stings a lot, since I'm hurt by this whole situation as well...I just don't know what to do - should I call it quits and move out or try to work things through? We've already been to a counseling session and even though it felt good to air things out, we haven't resolved anything. We have another one scheduled soon and I look forward to it, yet I can't help but think that if I don't want to marry him, I'm not attracted to him, and I honestly don't want to have more kids (esp with him over that whole porn thing) - what's the point of staying together?
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alcoholic, anniversary, fiance, moved out, my ex, porn, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Move on and save yourself the heartache later. You've already made up your mind whether you want to admit it or not. Sounds like your gut is telling you to do the right thing.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 July 2008):
 Never get married when you already have doubts. If you can not make it work in a marriage-less relationship, getting married will NOT make anything workout.
Maintain a good relationship with him for the sake of your child and make sure the child has a father in its life.
-Frank B Kermit
www.frankadviceforwomen.com
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