A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, so this is a bit of a long winded one so bear with me and apologies in advance :)I am 29, have been separated from my ex husband for 18 months and have a two year old little boy. I met a guy, lets call him J, in April through mutual friends. Nothing happened, strange that our paths had never crossed before that as we have so many mutual friends but we went on a sort of date about 2 months ago and have been seeing each other casually ever since. He is a 35 year old parent of a teenager, from a previous relationship and physically is not the type I'd usually go for.Initially it seemed to be primarily about sex, I was shocked at the extent of the chemistry between us given my previous misgivings about him. At first, the sex was quite rough however now as time has progressed he seems to want to spend more time kissing and cuddling in a relation-ship type way. He says he wants to take sex slower now and more initimate rather then just having sex as we were initially.He calls and texts regularly, when we do see each other now. We spend a lot more time talking and hanging out. He's said he doesn't want everyone knowing about us because he enjoys what we have, and I can see his point... only, he's just offered to take me away on vacation for a week so I am totally confused.We've had a couple of disagreements in the past, but we always seem to be drawn back together. He is constantly asking who certain guys are on my FB etc.. and asking me whether I am seeing someone else (I'm not). He is always buying me dinner, taking me out for breakfast if he has stayed over and seems genuinely to care about me which comes through in some of things he says and does (eg. making sure i got home ok if he hasn't heard from me, calls to check up on me when im sick etc..)I JUST DON'T GET IT! I don'' know what he wants from me - he says he doesn't want a relationship and wants to keep this quiet (which rings alarm bells for me), yet going on holiday and having the type of relationship we do seems quite couply. A friend suggested that I wait until after the vacation and see how things are then and ask him where this is going because I need to know - and I hate all this blowing hot and cold! I get the feeling there is something I am missing here but I can't put my finger on it. I was told by a close friend of his that his last gf lasted a year and during that whole time none of his friends met her, but apparently he was faithful.I do really like this guy - there's great chemistry, friendship, understanding (especially as we both have kids) and we seem to be able to talk about anything)But from an impartial perspective, what the hell do you think he is thinking or wants from me? For me most signs point to the fact that he definitely likes me (well, enough to take me on vacation anyway! I honestly don't think there is anyone else, but I do get the sense that perhaps he's testing me to see if I'm relationship material - I don't know.,... he says he hates relationships. If anyone could shed some light on this it would be much appreciated. Is it sex, is it a relationship, what the hell am I caught up in? I need to know boundaries and don't want to end up heart broken again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you're right - I'm also scared of taking that leap of faith into relationship territory after a rocky marriage at an early age, and as a single mum at university.He earns goodish money i think, but he's not loaded - pretty average really. The more I think about it, the more I think I like him - he's the first person to make me smile in a long time.... but the lows are hard to take and I'm not sure if I can handle that right now and we're not even in a real 'relationship'!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I think you hit the nail on the head about him wanting be/being in control of the way in which the relationship is going forward (both in and out of the bedroom) - as I said, we've had disagreements and its generally due to power struggles between the two of us because we are both strong personalities - but at the moment he seems to be 'winning'.I would have to also agree that there is something in his past that is holding him back - when we first started seeing each other he didn't give much about his life away - but he is gradually opening up - talking to me about his past, his family, his friends and showing my photos of everyone - and then after that he asks me what 'we are?', 'fuck buddies?' - and I told him straight up that fuck buddies (a phrase i hate) don't go on holidays together, don't speak all the time, don't have pet names for each other...Our first argument after our first date (haha) was because I asked him where this was going - as in, are we friends or are we gonna see each other again - no pressure. He totally freaked out, it wasn't as if I was asking him to marry me - just wanted to know where we stood. So I know that when I do broach the subject to do it gently, when the signs are right.I'm not huge on labelling things - in the end of the day what we have is a relationship of some description (if you were to go by the dictionary definition) - but it's the secrecy that bugs me. It's probably my own insecurities - but I think maybe he's embarrassed because I'm single mum and perhaps isn't able to take on my child if things were to become serious, the fact I am still going through the court process with my ex husband, because I'm not pretty enough.... you know, the usual! But on the other hand he showers with me with compliments.At the moment I'm trying to take a step back and disentangle myself from it a little bit until I know where we stand. I understand not wanting to expose a 'relationship' to mutual friends until it is clearly defined, but to be honest, I don;t think our friends would even bat an eyelid if we told them..Will just have to wait and see - thank you for your answer.Do any men here have anything to add? Do you think this could be going somewhere or am I just an easy lay until something better comes along?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): Here's a crazy idea...
Why not open yourself up, make yourself vulnerable, and ask him?
And I mean really demand some kind of honest answer. The best way to do this is make yourself more honest and vulnerable as well. If you really like him, tell him as well.... If you're afraid to like him more because you think you will get hurt, tell him that as well.
He could be afraid of commitment, he could not want to commit to anyone...who knows.
lastly, how much money does he make? All this spending he does has completely different meaning if it's breaking his bank than if he is working at a bank.
Anyways, open your heart to him some and you might find he does it back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): Okay, I am not an expert on this at all and probably other readers can give you better advice, however:The problem that you describe is not so much about the quality of the relationship - which you seem to be enjoying - but a. about how that relationship is defined both for you two and publicly AND b. the fact that the guy in question seems to somehow be claiming the "rights" as to how any definition, including no definition at all, will happen. In this sense, you are probably starting to feel that he is controlling things, and that you are being manouevred into a more "passive" state where you can't really talk straightforwardly about it. He is almost showing a kind of passive aggressive behaviour - although maybe that is a bit of an extreme view at this stage.In turn, this lack of definition is making you doubt the quality of your relationship with him.My guess is that, if the guy is saying he "hates" relationships - whilst obviously really enjoying the one that he has with you - then he obviously has had some bad experience of relationships in the past and/or fears being committed in a relationship. Now I don't know what this past experience could be, but generally speaking he must have found this, in some way, restricting and inhibiting and basically so unpleasant that he doesn't want to spoil what he has with you by putting a similar "name" on it. It sounds like he wants to have fun with you and is becoming closer, obviously, but is not yet up for a full committment.If you sense that he is "testing" you then he probably is. How you deal with it is going to feel tricky because he has generated this atmosphere of you feeling tested. I personally would first weigh up how much I really like him and whether I want to stay with him. If you want to stay with him then the "goal" is to get him to "go public" about being in a relationship - this obviously is important to you. I would not, at any point in time and even if I decide I don't want to be with him, create a heavy, confrontational situation. My guess is that he would react very badly to that. However, you can still choose to be very straightforward in saying that, although he may not want to define your relationship it is something that you want and you want to discuss with him when and if he is ready. You can gently point out that this is a very normal request.I would take your friend's advice and do this after the holiday - although bear in mind that he may be already sensitive to the idea that you might be planning to do this afterwards, so he may act elusive after you get home. If he really does have a problem with defining the relationship then you could ask more about why this is and, from there, decide whether you want to stay with him.It may be that he just can't "commit" in the full sense of the word and is trying to make you the "passive commitment phobe' - read He's scared, She's Scared for more information on how that one works!Good luck, I hope this at least helps a little bit.
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