A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi im 24 and live in the UK. In 2005 I met my first love. We were together 4 two years. 6months before we broke up he took me 2paris 4my birthday and proposed, then 6 months later he cheated on me. The girl he cheated on me he met a few months before at a party and i found out they had kept in touch via txt. Anyway he truly broke my heart, and then 2wks later he said i miss u and am truly very sorry, i want you back. so we got back, we agreed we were bk via txt. then not so long after that, one night he went 2 the party again and found out the girl he cheated with is pregnant. so got abs worried got more drunk and slept with the girls friend who in time got pregnant. The 1st girl lost baby after being punched in stomach very early on, I love my ex so so so much. He had to move up north as his father kicked him out, the second baby is born but the girl and him have no contact as she wanted a baby and didnt care who father was. I feel so hurt,ive attended counselling sessions 4 the past yr, my ex and i are still verymuch in contact but because i live down south and he lives up north its not that easy 2 see him. he tells me he loves me and wants me bk etc, but the only way i can be with him is 2 move up north. my family dnt know that he cheated on me as im protecting him. I love him so much and i often cry at night as it still hurts about everything that has happened this past yr and how i wish this baby wasnt born and he was still living at his dads. I know i can do better but i love him so much,he was the one person i could confide in anything about in this whole world. I know i can do better, but i cnt move on, half of me wants 2 and half of me doesnt. and i am also scared incase i never find anyone else. I feel like my life is a mess, and after a yr of breaking up i should have moved on but despite this we have had such regular constant touch this past yr ive not had chance 2move on! What am i meant 2do, i have already wasted the past yr feeling so down in the dumps. im so confused what to do. and we are having a break not talking 4 2wks my idea and its heart breaking me to an extent.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): You have said that you know you can do better and that you are scared in case you never find anyone else. This is not a reason to stay with someone when you know you can do better.
This man is a cheat and he will not change. Your life is not a mess but it would be if you stayed with him and let him do it over and over again.
It is hard for you at the moment but you are making a very positive move by going to counselling and by cutting off from him. Cut off from him completely so that you have a chance to forget him. Keeping in contact will only keep him in your mind. Actually in going to counselling you are confiding in someone. Maybe you have a friend or relative you could tell. Don't depend on someone like him to be your friend because he isn't.
You say you have wasted the past yr feeling so down in the dumps. You haven't, you have done something constructive to move on. Find some interesting things to do, places to go and people to see. Forget about relationships and make a list of all the good things in your life, however small, starting from something you enjoyed eating today, or something you like about another person, your home, or whatever.
Good luck. I am also trying to get over someone who cheated on me. I have cut off completely and miss him every day, but if I was with him I would be worrying all the time about who he was seeing behind my back and would never be able to move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): It sounds to me like you had a lucky escape from him with him getting someone else pregnant and then having to move to the North. You repeatedly say that you think you can do better, but then you say you love him. I think that is because you are confusing love with a fear of being alone and not finding anyone better.
You say he is the only one you can confide in, but that is only true because you are not over him and not been giving yourself the opportunity to meet any other men out there. There are thousands of people out there who would make a perfect partner for you. You should remember that, because it will keep you strong when you are feeling needy and that this guy is the only one who you will ever have feelings for.
You say you've been in counselling for a year - have you considered seeing a different counsellor? My advice would be that maybe you should. I think like you've said yourself, you've wasted a year of your life pining over this guy and what a sad waste of your young life that is.
You've wasted 2007 - don't do the same for 2008. You deserve to be happy, to be out with friends and making new friendships and chatting to new guys. It's the only way you will be able to see that there are so many people out there who can make you happy.
Well done on having a break, whilst you're on it, hook up with some old friends - possibly ones that you've neglected through your hangup with this guy. Say yes to invites of going out and having fun, even if you wouldn't ordinarily do it, I have a suspicion you'll see what you've been missing and maybe this guy won't continue to be such a heartache in your life.
He was your first love and it is natural to be hurt over him, a part of you will always love him but from when he first hurt you that love changed and it will never go back to how you want it to. When you move on from him you'll see that. You'll stop desperately wishing for things to work out and you'll be content with accepting that things were great to begin with, but that it did change. You can have such a great 2008 if you let yourself, look forward and make those right choices with what to do with yourself.
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A
male
reader, AR +, writes (2 January 2008):
I hope you listen to this because i have been in a similar situation and have friends who have been or are as well.
my ex and i broke up 1 1/2 years ago. i was about to propose to her when we broke up. i found out she cheated on me a few times and it broke me down. the worst time of my life followed that. and although it feels good to talk to my ex, it prolonged what i needed to do which was work on myself. having her in close contact did not help me move on. eventually i told myself that even though i love this girl i have to distance myself from her because she was not doing me any good.
what you have to do is take care of yourself at this point. you didnt mess up the relationship. he did. and you have to remember that. it shouldnt be the baby's fault why you 2 cant be together. he messed up. dont think about getting in a relationship with him until you totally disattach yourself from him and focus on your life. thats probably the best advice i can give you.
i also believed i wouldnt find anyone else but the fact is there is always someone else out there.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (2 January 2008):
 Your fear, your feelings of attachment toward this person who did not treat you well, this tells me you're not ready for any relationship. You need to work on your sense of self. Cheating is not just a sexual act, but it's a direct disrespect of the person who's cheated on. When he's out getting a girl pregnant, he's not thinking about how it will affect you, or how it would affect the relationship. He's taking what he wants no matter who he hurts in the process of doing so. Taking him back after these actions would, in a way be condoning this behavior as being OK. When someone cheates and the person they cheated on gives another change, it's like saying "she forgave me this time, I'm sure she'll do the same if I do it again."
It does hurt, but you have to realize you're a better person than to allow someone to disrespect you in the way he has. You deserve to be with someone who respects you fully and even if a drunk opportunity comes up, turns away because they have respect for who they are with.
You also have to look at the repeated offence. If I went to a party and knew by drinking my sense of self would be lowered to the point of cheating, and possibly hurting the one I love, I wouldn't go to the party. Knowingly entering a position that can cause this and knowing how drinking affects him, places all the blame on him, none on the fact of being drunk. He was sober before getting drunk and should have made the decision not to get drunk because of the possability of something like this taking place.
If I were you, I'd stay away from him. Let him know if he really cared for you, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. If he says he was drunk, don't buy that excuse either. He knew what might happen, and still participated in the cause. He sounds like quite the player, if you don't like being played, stay away from him.
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