A
female
age
51-59,
*ascar0991
writes:My husband wont go down on me anymore. We have been together for 14 yrs. He says we are not kids any more, he is 32 i am 35. I would be willing to give him a bj but he has never liked them. I dont orgasm from intercourse only clitoral stimulation. Dont older people do this too?
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female
reader, Nascar0991 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Nascar0991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all this is not a fake question. I did not post them together because they are two seperate issues. Yes they both involve sex but they are not the same and i wanted specific answers to specific questions. Other than the fact that he enjoys anal and i dont and i enjoy oral and he does not we have a fairly good time in bed. In a marriage you need to give and take. I posted one and later thought about it and posted another. Plus i am posting from my cell phone and i only have so much space in which to type. I should have posted an addendum. I am sorry if anyone got the wrong idea.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2008):
 After reading about the abuse and the affairs, I think that the least of your worries should be about how old he thinks is too old for oral sex.
The most important thing for him now is to get him into counselling to deal with the abuse he's suffered and the consequences of that. I think that only a professional can help at this point.
I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse and the lack of support he's had but now he has you to help him get the counselling he needs. Isn't that the best thing you can do for him at this point?
I do wish you all the best. Let me know if you need some links for finding help in your area of the US.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Well being abused explains his behavior. He needs to heal, he was young and nieve. Just so happens, oral sex and intercourse is normal behavior, but not at his age and having it forced on him instead of with his approval.
Hopefully, he can see the present situation is not the past. Counseling might help him get past this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): No wonder he keeps cheating if you keep forgiving him just cause of his past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Didnt you also ask about how to tell your husband that you find anal sex painful? How many other sexual problems do you have and wouldnt it be more helpful to ask all the questions you have all at once since it seems you and your husband are not compatible sexually at all? And in the other question you told us that he does anal only coz he felt it was the only way he could cum?
I think you are just fooling around with us and that you don't really have a problem coz otherwise you'd have put it all in just one question. So to the other aunts and uncles I think this post might be faking a problem and I think she or he should just post all the issues in one real email so that they can give some real help here.
Sorry poster if I'm wrong but you did post the other question and these issues were not brought up so I think you're just playing around.
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A
female
reader, Nascar0991 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Nascar0991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe because of what he did with his sister in his mind it is only for kids. I know he used to love doing it even if we did not have intercourse after. Now he wont touch me until he is ready to cum then he will rub me until i do first.
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A
female
reader, Nascar0991 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Nascar0991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your help. To answer rcn, no his brother has not been punished for what he did to my husband. He was arrested for doing the same thing to his son and that is when my hubby told. His brother was set to be deported and ICE lost him. We are hoping someone found out what he did and took him off the earth. His brother did this from the ages 2 to 7 but his sister also did things to him from 5 to 18. That stopped when we got together. His first everything was with her. The now have a good relationship and he thinks she has done nothing wrong so he wont tell. That is why he has trust issues and still sleeps around so i think. He has had many affairs, 6 that i know of. He comes home and tells me that he fucked up again we talk about it and i let him know that it is not ok but it is almost like i watch him regress into a child being punished. He sobs says he is sorry but not like a man trying to get away with it. He sounds like a child. I hope someday he will grow up and away from this.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Has his brother received any punishment for his actions? I could see where he's see getting a BJ is a dirty act. Something that induces pain on others. Boy, how trauma survives the ages.
We hear so often of how women are molested, men too often are set aside as not having these things happen to them. This also shows that the long term affects can be just as damaging for a male, as it is for a female in a similar circumstance.
Asside from your original question. I would like to address the incident from his past. After being with someone who as extremely affected by past trauma, I wanted to get to the bottom of why an incident has such a lasting impact, and why it is so difficult to treat psychologically.
I asked friends and family to think back to when they were young, and think of something they did that was enjoyable. All though the activities they thought about would not be something they'd to today, the sensation they experienced was one as if it was happening now. That brought me to believe, the difficulty lies from the trauma being trapped at the age they were when they experienced it. Therefore, providing adult treatment to treat childhood trauma has the same affect as using adult treatments to treat children.
A couple of proven methods of treatment are: (1) having his adult self bring back those memories and letting the child self know that it wasn't their fault, and you can't control the actions of others, and that it's okay to let go and live normal. (2) This is the most powerful method of dealing with trauma. NLP (Neuro Linguistics Programming). NLP is almost like hypnosis, but not going into a trance. It's a method of bringing traumatic events from the sub conscious to the conscious mind, changing the view of the event, then re-storing back into the subconscious under the new experience.
Think of it this way. If you've never driven or been in a car and were planning on doing so for the first time. If I showed you hours of film of the most traumatic crashes. Prior to taking your first drive, you're going to develop fear, maybe some anxiety. During the first drive, it wouldn't be fun because the fears would be playing your thoughts the whole time. It's the same thing here. Its a matter of his releasing his fear of really letting himself go sexually with you and in your marriage. Its his realizing the experience with his brother was traumatic, but that doesn't mean his experience with you should be feared.
I hope this helps you, take care.
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A
male
reader, dating_smee  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 No one is too old for oral, I bet he likes it still!
Maybe he does not see whats in it for him or you? Maybe he is feeling the strain on his bones?
Look up "bodybouncer" on google, the Body Bouncer is a sex toy/tool/apparatus designed to make you feel weightless during the lovin.
Or "Joydivision Loveswing", this could ease strain, or at least get that argument out of the way.
I think that sex/erotic is a journey, maybe getting a break from the old routine could put some spice back, whatever happens you need to talk to him. Find out his other objections, and get to the bottom of his problem.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (30 April 2008):
 That would explain why he doesnt want it - I know where hes coming from. That could explain why he doesnt want to give you oral sex too as its the same thing to him really just with a woman but it must still bring back those memories. Try a small vibrator that he can hold on your clitoral area if you cant orgasm through sex x
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A
female
reader, Nascar0991 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Nascar0991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was molested as a very small boy by his brother who would rape him and cum in his mouth and beat him if he vomited. Because of that he hates bjs. For the first 9 yrs we were married he had no problem with going down on me. Then he said we were to old. No other explination. Instead he stimulates me manually. It works but doesnt feel as good.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (30 April 2008):
My husband loves giving and receiving, I only like giving but let him every now and again to keep him happy. Sex is about give and take and shouldnt be one sided. In my case its due to a very unpleasant personal situation in the past but he knows if I've had enough glasses of wine I'll relax for him and enjoy it when I give in. Maybe he has noever really liked it and finds it a chore - sex can get boring if you dont alter the routine and add a bit of variety. Saying its age is rubbish I know my parents still enjoy it and they're 67 and 63 - nothing wrong with that. You need to talk to him about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): I'm 53 and I agree with rcn.
He almost sounds like my wife, she doesn't like to give oral, but I do her. Must be true that opposites attract.
Anyways, has he given any other indiation as to why he doesn't want to? Have you told him it is what you need from him to feel connect to him and to bond the marraige for you?
Any reason why he doesn't like BJ's? Does he have a problem with it maybe having a smell he doesn't like?
Can he be considered old fashion or very religious?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Too Old!!!!!!! I am 47 and married, have been for 24 years to the same man, and rarely a day goes by without sex - and oral sex plays a huge part in our sex life! There must be some underlying problem which needs to be discussed.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 April 2008):
Is he in the grave already or what?
I'm 36, and that's still the best part of sex. Maybe he needs a different view. Sex in marriage is not only about the act. It's an expression of love. So if he's saying you're too old, he's saying the expression of his love for you changes with age.
Tell him to grow up and start satisfying.
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A
male
reader, Kevorkian +, writes (30 April 2008):
 From personal exp. I love it!!!!!
For some reason that there is no way in hell I could explain - it isn't pleasuring him. I would suggest counseling. Putting 14 years into a relationship is worth it. Find out why it doesn't turn him on. Fix it.
Then.... Game on!!!!
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