A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend has gotten on my facebook before and checked out guys he thought I might have had something to do with. I didn't care because I wasn't doing anything. He even talked to one of the guys as if he was me. After doing this for a bit he realized there was nothing there then stopped. Now that I have this nagging curiousity about if anything happened between him and this one girl while we were living 4 hours away from eachother, he is all up in arms about how I shouldn't play games and use his facebook. He also said that if i did use his facebook to find out info then when I find out he is innocent then he would be mad about it for a long time and expects a huge apology. so what is with the double standard? He went so far as to act like he was me while talking to a guy to try to lure out info. I feel like he is showing guilt by his reaction. Or is it really like he states, that I should take his word for it and trust him enough to believe he had nothing to do with this girl while we were living apart? even though he is totally overreacting. I didn't throw a fit when he used my facebook.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 June 2011):
 You write:
He states he trusts me now and has to go on faith and that I should do the same. I am not where he is.
Did you DO anything that made him not trust you? Or did he project his own "bad" behavior onto you? As in, did he think that because HE cheated, you must have to?
I think you need to be honest with him. You obviously DO NOT trust him. And with his being defensive and secretive, he doesn't exactly inspire trust, does he?
To be frank, I think you need to be totally honest with him and TELL him what you expect from him in order for you to being to trust again. It's not just about what he says, it's about what he does. If YOU need help rebuilding the trust in him, HE needs to be the one to help you. If it means you want to put his FB under scrutiny, shouldn't he at least consider it?
I think he is being unreasonable in his expectations. Just because HE had moved on after his "mistakes" doesn't mean that you have. I don't see how he can "just" expect you to "get over it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe do have major trust issues. He lied to me alot in the past, we've been working on it for about a year. Some progress has been made but this self defensive attitude is really making me second guess. He states he trusts me now and has to go on faith and that I should do the same. I am not where he is. And this defensive attitude is the same attitude he displayed when I was suspecting he was hiding things before. I have 3 choices. 1. I can go on faith that he has truly changed and this is about me not building trust, and let it go. 2. End it because I see behaviors that are similar to what he did before which shakes the trust that had been rebuilt. 3. Go ahead and find out the truth for myself even if he disagrees with it which will cause more resentment according to him. Not sure which one to do yet. A small voice keeps telling me, give him freedom to move and the truth shall be revealed.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (9 June 2011):
You should have seen his behaviour has a huge red flag. He has massive trust issues, which you should you not have gone along with. From my experience, people who are so insecure and untrusting have a reason for it: they themselves cheat, and so they expect their partners to be as low as they are.
You both need to take a look at yourselves, you're in your 30's FFS.. you're supposed to be adults. Not insecure teenagers. Grow up. If you can't trust each other, then why the heck are you putting yourselves through this?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 June 2011):
I think the two of you need some serious help. You both has no trust or faith in each other. How can a relationship work if there is this much distrust?
Though I don't get the double standard, if he can look at yours and use the chat - you should be able to do the same. Seems to me he's got something to hide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): A friend of mine recently had a dilemma similar to this with her bf, basically when she asked to look through his he refused point blank, anyway it came to light that he was actually in contact with other girls which proves the fact that he was guilty.
So usually in situations like these, when a guy says your cheating or checks up on you and its usually because he has a guilty conscience, i've been through it and seen it so many times. Hopefully i am wrong but in all fairness you should bring up the fact that it is double standards and dont give him time to delete his messages ask him on the spot and see how he likes it, Trust works both ways.
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