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He treats me more like a slave than an equal partner. What am I to do?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 December 2007) 3 Answers - (Newest, 11 December 2007)
A female Denmark age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have moved from one country to another for my former fiance(well,now my husband)just a year ago. Before I moved, I made a good living and had a nice job etc and was very happy. Moving to this country, language became a barrier for me and so thus I couldnt work over the year since I needed to acquire the language, plus it was difficult to find a full-time job because of this barrier. We will be moving to the States for 2 years because of his job contract and so I will be able to work there without any problems and make some income. So over the year, he has been the main provider financially and since I couldnt contribute because I couldnt work I did everything in my best to take care of the living space duties and responsibilities and everything else in between.

We got into some arguments because of money lately, like, I have no access to money or access to a debit card and so I must wait till he comes home for me to even walk up to a store to buy basic food. Most of the time, it feels that Im begging for money in order to buy things that are needed. I feel more of a slave than as some wife. When I try to talk to him about this, he says because it is the money he has earned so therefore it is his and that if I had the access to it I would mis-manage. On top of that, he started to bring up how of a "nobody" I am because I dont have a job and started being mean to me and verbally abuse me. From one moment, "you are worthless" to few seconds later him saying "I love you".

I feel that Im being treated like a child and a slave as opposed to an equal partner. Im starting to go crazy and my self-esteem is low, and I don't know what to do. I even thought, that once we move to the US, i'll start my own savings account and start saving money on the side so it gives me some feeling of indepence. What am I to do?

View related questions: fiance, money

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (11 December 2007):

birdynumnums agony auntWithholding and controlling money is a form of abuse. And NOW he is starting the REAL abuse to go along with it. The name-calling and then "I love you" is a way to mentally confuse you and rob you of the last of your self-esteem so that he is in total control. It is a classic pattern of abusive behaviour.

If you aren't sure about whether or not you are being abused, please go to:

Click on Our Services, then go to "How To Assess Whether You Are Abused".

You are probably feeing very afraid and alone. Get in touch with family and friends for support. If you are feeling isolated because of the language barrier, get in touch with some ex-pat organizations. The Canadian Woman's Club, The American Woman's Club, The British Woman's Club, The Australian Woman's Club and the International Woman's Club all take associate members, so you don't have to be from any of those countries in order to join. The friends that I made through these clubs were a big help to me when I felt alone in Holland. Please take good care of yourself. If I were in your shoes, I would get a ticket home (family?) and leave him. Make sure he doesn't read this question on your computer.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007):

He needs to wake up. Shake him up. His ego definitely grew out of proportion lately. I would leave him for a month or even a week and let him guess what went wrong. After some thinking he'll figure out how to treat you... Just remember when he loses you, he will lose his sense of power that YOU give him. Without you, he is nothing. You are with somebody who had low sense of worth and now he is using you to maintain his overinflated ego. He is a weak man. Strong man don't use women to feel like a man. Personally, I would leave him for good because nobody has the right to treat you like this. Unfortunately, you also allowed this to happen to you. You need to be strong, very strong and know who you are and what you are worth and how you want to live your life. You need time off (w/o him) to get your sense of worth back because I am afraid right now you cannot be a good opponent to him. Sorry this had to happen to you.

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A female reader, thatgothgirl20 United States +, writes (11 December 2007):

thatgothgirl20 agony auntDitch this loser once you move back to the states. But truthfully, I don't think that you will be moving back to the states any time soon. I think he is just filling your head with lies.

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