A
female
age
41-50,
*shejm6
writes:I've been dating this guy that I really like for the past month and half. There are two things about him that I would change if I could. He is a bit cheap, he will tell me to pay for stuff when we go out and I don't mind doing it but I do mind him feeling like he has to tell me to pay. Example: I invited him to a comedy show which I paid for the tickets no problem, then we had an item minimum to meet and he volumteered to pay for that- after that we went to dinner and when the check came he hands it to me and says your turn. I was like fine but didn't care for that. The other thing he does is make fun of stereotypes he is white, I am latina and I have kids by black men. I think he is joking but after a while I start feeling like a jerk if I don't speak up and tell him it's not funny. I did last night and he got all offended that I didn't know him better than that by now. I'm not sure what to do am I making a big deal about the cheapness and the stereotyping?
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female
reader, yshejm6 +, writes (11 December 2007):
yshejm6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your great responses. I hadn't spoken to him all day and I had basically decided that I was going to end it, when he called and apologized for his comments. I didn't mention earlier that he has never dated outside the white race and so maybe I need to make him more aware of what is acceptable and what is not. Most of the time he is just hilarious because the things he says are just goofy. He has met my children and he is so great with them. I could never see him saying anything out of line to them or about them. As for the cheapskate thing I may need to discuss with him. I guess I know what is involved and for now since I'm not looking for a serious relationship he will be cool to hang out with.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 The fact that it upsets you and he is unaware of it is a bit of a red flag. As Peoriaman says, if he is this bad now, it doesn't sound like he'll change. I hate to tell you, but both of those things aren't small things. They are both pretty big character flaws that are going to become huge issues if you stay with him.
So, basically, you took this guy out the other night, he paid for drinks, you paid for dinner and the theater tickets? The kicker is that HE decided that this was fair! Men may object to being treated like paychecks, but the fact is that men have always, traditionally, been the breadwinner and provider for the family. So it obvious that he already does like this role very much, and there is nothing worse than living with a man who is a cheapskate. For one thing, they don't shop for anything that needs to be purchased involving the household, so every little thing will be scutinized. The larger purchases will be ridiculous! The last time he bought a sofa was 8 years ago and they didn't coast that much then! You get the drift...
Try to project are see yourself married to this guy. I'm going to take a chance here and say that he earns more than you do. He'll still want to split the bills for your future home 50%-50%, because he has the right to the extra money that he earns, and he'll spend it on himself. That's before you have kids! You should pay for your own children and you will pay the lions share for the kids that you have together. AND He will be still be making remarks infront of your children so they will start to think that there is someting wrong with them, or that they aren't as good as their new half-siblings, who will be fairer than they are because he is white.
NOW, I'm making this ALL up, but can you see this happening with the way he has behaved in the past? Do you see a future here? If you are worried and you can see this happening, get yourself out before you get any more involved. Perhaps I have blown it all out of proportions, but I'm just playing the devil's advocate here. If you aren't sure about things and are questioning your own judgement here, why not keep a journal? If it's written down it might be easier to see if he is being fair or not. Just an idea. Keep your eyes and ears open. Only you can decide how serious the flaws are. Good luck with everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): This man is giving you two very big red flags. A man who is unwillingly to spend some money on you especially in the beginning is not emotionally investing in you, he is probably there in hopes of sexual favors from you, and if he isn't getting any, thus the cheapness.
He is also showing you disrespect since you have a blended family by making "comments" no matter if he claims they are innocent.
Dump this loser.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (11 December 2007):
 I don't like when my bf uses certain words either, like spic, etc etc. It's not that you don't know him better by now, it's that you don't like him saying those things, period. What? Only a good person that you know is not racist can say those things? Doesn't make any sense....so I understand about you getting offended by that. I don't like anyone saying those things around me. As far as the cheapskate thing goes, I don't think it's a bad thing to "take turns," but if it turns out that you are the one paying for mostly everything, yall need to have a discussion.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (11 December 2007):
Hi,
I think you may have a problem here as he seems to fit the profile of a people user. Personally I would have difficulty enough going dutch with a woman and splitting the bill. If he is genuinely in financial difficulties or short of cash he should respect you enough to tell you.
Perhaps next time he has said in advance that he is going to pay for something you should be prepared to tell him you have left your purse at home. (Keep some emergency money out of sight and safe so you don't get embarrassed if he turns out to be a total rat)
As for the stereotyping, tell him that whether it is intended as humour or not it is still racism. If he thinks it is funny then perhaps he ought to be on the stage with it but outside a theatre comedy show it does not belong at all. His claim that you ought to know him better by now only serves to wrong foot you and make you think you are being unreasonable. Do not let yourself be manipulated like this. Trust your own judgement and if he does not measure up tell him to hit the road because you can do better. You really can you know !!
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