A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Please help me. I have been seeing a guy for 3 months now that I met at work. We were just friends at first. Then after about 2 months of knowing each other he started giving me signals he wanted more. Our friendship deepened and we eventually starting dating. Everything was great for the first 2 months, but I kept getting a nagging feeling about his attraction towards me. This led me to ask him one day why he didn't approach me sooner. After some pushing, he said that he wasn't interested at first because I wasn't his type. He said he liked curvier girls. Since he said this I've become really insecure and had constant doubts about his attraction to me. I'm a slim girl, and I recently lost even more weight because I've been worrying about the relationship. For some reason I find it impossible to believe that he is attracted to me, when he wasn't in the beginning. To make matters worse he looks at girls in the street that are more his "type". It makes me feel physically sick to the point where I get anxiety attacks before we go out in public. This is the first time I've really loved someone on this level and I hate the thought that I'm not everything he wants. He reassures me that he is attracted to me, and sometimes I believe him and feel better, then the negative thoughts return. I don't want to leave but I can't continue feeling this way because its effecting every area of my life. I don't doubt that he loves and respects me. We communicate well and have spoken about this issue. But I still can't get past this feeling. Its so strong and consuming that sometimes I feel like calling things off. I really need advice on how I can overcome these feelings and start to enjoy the relationship again like I used to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys,
Thank you all so much for your advice. Its taken some time but I'm finally getting to the point where I can give this situation some perspective. I took his words to mean he doesn't find me attractive or wants me to change. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. Once we became friends he was always very complimentary, telling me I am pretty. He explained that in the beginning he thought he was looking for a certain type (like his ex who was bigger), but soon realized he was attracted to me despite this. He said he couldn't date someone that he wasn't attracted to anyway. It was just an initial impression, but its not like he thought I was an unattractive person. Just not his usual type. In some ways he was right. I was practically starving myself at that time. Thinking that's what would get me a boyfriend (oh the irony!) I think this type thing is so fluid anyway. Some of the guys I now think are hot, I wasn't attracted to at first, but something changes, clicks and then you start to adore that person. Nothing is black and white. Its a silly example but I remember I used to really be attracted to dark Latino guys with closely cropped hair. We went to see fast and furious and I was smitten with Vin Diesel. I watched the film nearly 4 years lately and am totally in love with Paul Walker, the blonde! Vin can't even compare. I realize now how silly the whole thing is and I'm not prepared to jeopardize my relationship because of first impression. I'm working on my insecurities now and learning to love myself more. Taking the issue away from him and focusing on myself was definitely the turning point for me. Thanks again ladies for your kind words.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): He is with you now, because he's attracted to you now, simple as. He wouldn't be with you otherwise. I've met guys where I'm not instantly attracted to but then I get to know them. Obviously, a big part of why he likes you would be your personality too then, which is a very good thing. Just calm down, when those bad thoughts return, list yourself 10 reasons why someone would want to be with you (I'm sure you can think of 10!!) & you'll realise what a lucky man he is, in which im sure he already knows.
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A
female
reader, girl25  +, writes (20 May 2009):
so,i have read your question, and were acctually kinda having thesame problem but you know if the guy really loves you even if he looks at the girls on the streets he will not mess things up with you right? i know that If someone fell in love..he always think that the one they love is perfect. no mistakes right??
everyone has temtations everyone is gifted with eyes, noes and everything,so he has a right to look around and see things, so why dont you trust him? i know that you know trust is one key to show how you love some one. ...so i hope this little adviz helped
signing off girl25
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 May 2009):
 Ahhh to be like you, where stress makes you lose weight! I am so jealous, I am one of these "curvy" girls who could probably go through a nervous breakdown and still not lose weight!
The great thing you need to remember about your relationship is that it is not based on looks - he fell in love with you down to your personality not because of your looks. Which means your relationship is built on stronger foundations than that of one built purely on physical attraction. So no matter how your body changes over the years he will love you for who you are.
I know it must be hard for you to come to terms with the idea that you are not his usual type, but think of it this way - it has never worked out with his usual type before so maybe now he is with someone a little different things might actually work out? I think you need to talk to him about the looking at girls in the street part, no man should be doing this while he is in the presence of his girlfriend, it is just wrong. You need to explain to him that you know he is doing it, and it makes you feel uncomfortable and deepens your insecurities. I'm sure once he realises how he is making you feel with your behaviour then he will try and put a stop to it.
I think you just need to keep in mind that looks are not everything, and you have a relationship that is based on so much more, and you are very lucky to have that. Make the most of the figure you have, I bet millions of girls would love to have your figure so be proud and love your body. The more confident you are about your own body, and the more you love your figure, the more he will love your body. Men love confidence, it is very sexy so be confident about your body and he will be very attracted by this. And if worse comes to worse, then eat a bit more! Hey, this gives you an excuse to get stuck into the chocolate!
Just keep in mind at all times that he loves you for who you are, these other girls he looks at is just like guys looking at porn. It is a fantasy not reality! He sounds like he is more than happy with what he has got so try not to worry so much. And once you start enjoying the relationship again, you will probably put a little weight on through all the romantic meals out and cosy takeaways in front of the TV!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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