A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am dating a man who thinks he hurts me too much. I disagree! After fights he thinks he is the only who is the cause of it, and things are his fault, even though I know we are both just as guilty for misunderstandings and poor communication. He thinks I will be happier with someone else. Past relationships of mine have been horrible, and I know he is very good to me. We have different ways to communicate. It's a new relationship so naturally it will take time for me to understand what he means when he says this or that and for us to understand how to communicate. We have so far established that text messages are too vague and easy to misunderstand, for example. But he feels that I should do better than him. He says he wants to take care of me, but that he obviously isn't doing a good job, so someone else will be better for me. Example: At one time he said I should be with someone who naturally understands if I am upset rather than be with someone who I have to TELL I am upset. So he thinks the perfect man should be able to read my mind. That man doesn't exist! I believe if any man can understand my feelings without me saying them (and without even being in the same room) he will have to know me VERY well, and such awareness of each other is not achieved through a few months of dating! I would be single for the rest of my life if I followed his standard for how a man should be. He also somehow thinks a perfect man will naturally know what to do when his girl is upset as well, without her telling him. Maybe after 20 years of marriage, but a few months of dating that is not realistic.Help! What is a woman to do? Build up his ego? I have never been mad at him for not doing things, but express what would be nice so he learns what I like, yet he thinks of himself as a failure for not figuring it out by himself without me telling him!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 ok so he lacks self-esteem. YOU can't fix that for him. Sadly there is NOTHING YOU CAN say or do that will change his mindset.SO if you don't want to end it with him you will have to learn to put up with his self-recriminations. I tell you it gets OLD fast....
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 I repeat my advice: tell him to stop whining.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't need a "manslation", he cares deeply for me and has been showing me his care over and over. At first I DID "mantranslate" it to meaning he doesn't feel about me as I feel about him, but that isn't so. These mantranslations are just stupid, he actually means what he says.
Howcome when I meet a good guy who lacks self esteem the only suggestion is to dump him? I've read complaints over and over from so-called "nice guys" who say no woman wants a man unless he's got a super ego, but in this case he is nice, but doesn't feel confident, and I'm supposed to dump him over it?
Trust me, he loves me deeply, so this mantranslation can't be used on him.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 December 2011):
Tell him that his self-esteem is so low that it's getting to the point that you're not enjoying it anymore. Tell him that either he means the "You deserve better" part, or not. That should straighten him, or, at the very least, stop the whining.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): I think you should listen to him. The manslation for "I'm not good enough for you", "you should find someone better", or "you deserve better" is he doesn't want you or doesn't quite reciprocate your feelings.
It is also a bad sign when you have to convince someone to be with you. I get the feeling he won't commit and so you are trying to get him to act like a committed guy and these are his excuses why that will never happen. I'd listen and stop pushing your agenda on him and let him go.
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